I feel so mad/angry/upset/worried about my sister

[MiaWallace]

My sister just phoned me to say she's 7 weeks pregnant. It was a planned pregnancy and she is really happy about it.

She has two sons already (aged 8 & 2)

She doesn't work

Her dp is in and out of prison and has never held down a steady job.

She had a miscarriage last year and admitted even though it was a terrible thing to go through, she wouldn't have been able to cope with another child.

They live in a cramped two bedroom housing-association house.

Last week she phoned and asked me if I would buy her some food and get it delivered because she had nothing in the house to feed the kids with (of course I did this)

Our parents are both very ill (long term) so can't offer her any support. I live 2hrs drive away. Her two closest friends, who helped her with her two boys now both have young children of their own. She literally has no one to help her.

I'm sure my reaction would have been totally different if it had been unplanned but to make this decision given the cirucmstances has just made me feel really upset

Just feel that she's being totally irresponsible and immature. I'm now crying my eyes out. I know she needs my support, but I'm finding it difficult to be positive knowing that she can't manage at the moment anyway.

I'm not surprised you feel sad about it, given how difficult your sister's life is. But you know, she's a grown up and has made her decision so you can't do anything about it. Can imagine you are thinking 'oh hell, now she's going to expect even MORE favours'. And that's only human.

Have you asked her how she'll manage to pay for all the new things and feed another person considering she couldn't afford food last week?

I know she's your sister and you probably don't want to upset her as even though you're angry, I'm sure you would rather she came to you for support than suffered in silence.

But maybe an open chat about the reality of it all and the limitations of your own support/budget may help her start to live in the real world a bit more and consider how she really is going to manage. And it may help you to feel less angry if you have an open and honest chat to her and try to understand her reasons?

Difficult situation

I did ask a lot of these questions when she told me.

Her response was "other people worse off manage" and "if you wait till you can afford kids you will never have them"

Its such a flippant attitude. I'm trying to remain calm but it's a real stuggle.

I just can't imagine how detremental it's going to be to my two nephews. What kind of role model is she? My 8 year old nephew has never known either of his parents to work. She is constantly seperating with dp then taking him back a few weeks/months later.

ARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHH

Not too sure what else to suggest, hopefully someone will come along soon with some good advice.

Hopefully just getting it all off your chest helps.... families hey!!

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

Thanks mylittlestar. It has helped having a bit of a rant

if you love her hold you tounge and be there for her if she needs support

whats done is done now, there is a baby on the way and thats always a lovely thing

Are you the oldest MW? I have terrible angst over my sister - totally different situation, but I also feel she mnakes life hard for herself then comes running to me, and I can't shake off that feeling of responsibility for her problems. Thanks god she doesn't have kids - it's absolutely impossible for you to say no when she needs help to feed her kids. And she knows that.

I don't think there's much you can do except be a great auntie to her children and a role model for them, so they will have an idea about taking responsibility from someone in their lives. Are they safe and well-loved? If so, it could be worse...

Yes snowlepoard I am the oldest. I did have 2 younger sisters but the youngest one died at 16. I think this makes me feel more of a duty to help and protect my sister.

The thing is when she had her two boys I was in a well paid job and lived just round the corner from her, so I was always on hand.

Now I've moved 2hrs drive away and have given up a lot of financial security to go to university. Yet she still expect to be able to depend on me as much as she always has.

I have no doubt I will love this baby just as much as I do my two nephews, and I will always support my sister in whatever way I can. It just think if she's mature enough to raise 3 children, she should be mature enough to stand on her own two feet.

Thanks for all the advice so far everyone.

Oh by the way. Despite everything she is a good mum, in the sense she's very loving and supportive. I just think sometimes the practically of raising children (e.g. being able to feed them) is as important as the affection you give them

Oh of course it is MW, I didn't meaning feeding your children isn't important! - just meant if they are loved and secure that is better than if they were emotionally neglected or at risk in other ways as well.

Sorry snowlepoard,if that sounded like I was having a go at you. Wasn't intentional. It's just my sister's attitude is that love is all you need to raise children, when we all know there's a bit more to it than that.

I do appreciate your advice and was certainly not challenging what you had said