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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just got dumped

48 replies

Avpixie27 · 21/10/2016 09:03

So after a 3 year relationship i walk into my home to a note saying "im done" and have to carry my one year old out to live at my mothers house

OP posts:

Original poster

Avpixie27 · 21/10/2016 10:58

Its a joint mortgage with my name but i cant afford to pay all the bills myself. I just want to erase it all

OP posts:

SlimbobJones · 21/10/2016 11:05

Avpixie27 You won't have to pay it yourself, he either buys you out of it or he pays half the mortgage and upkeep, he's still jointly responsible for the mortgage debt in any case, as are you.

Even if you don't contribute financially to the mortgage, by providing childcare at the expense of your own earnings you count as contributing. You have as much right to the house as he does and your little one even more so. Go home OP, he needs to leave if that's what he wants :)

Original poster

Avpixie27 · 21/10/2016 11:08

But he has no where to go. Im not kicking someone i care about onto the streets. I cant do it

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Iamdobby63 · 21/10/2016 11:13

Was there a lead up to this or did he 'just decide'?

Ok so you don't want to go home. Can I ask though why you are waiting for his permission to go and collect some of your stuff? You jointly own the home and he can't stop you coming and going as you please.

Original poster

Avpixie27 · 21/10/2016 11:20

We had an argument a month ago and he was starting to get depressed but after a week apart we talked it out and said we want the same stuff and it was all going ok, then tuesday he started an argument because i wasnt pleased he wanted to go out again on the night before he was supposed to take care of our son. It got very heated and aggressive and he said he was done, but after 5 hours we were talking calm and sorting it, the next day he was texting me to see where i was after work and after stating i was seeing my dad who had worked in germany all week i said i was on my way. Walked into the house, he walked directly past me and then i saw a note saying "im done". Last night me and my mother went to the house so he could see my son. He ignored me and talked to my mum about the situation and said "i cba with it all anymore, its always the same argument and then its ok and then argument again. Im done"

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 21/10/2016 11:22

You are goin to let him shit all over you and your child. That's your choice but even if he does reconsider and decide you are "good enough" after all, you have no security and he has zero respect for you

You don't want to hear it, but you have a world of pain awaiting you if you keep arse licking this cruel man

How old are you both?

SlimbobJones · 21/10/2016 11:32

Avpixie27

But he has no where to go. Im not kicking someone i care about onto the streets. I cant do it

Just read that back.

He's effectively kicked YOU and HIS CHILD out on the street. He's a grown man, you're not kicking him out if he chooses to leave, that's his problem not yours!

Original poster

Avpixie27 · 21/10/2016 11:33

We are both 23. Im not letting him walk all over me. I just cant forget all my morals and kick the father of my son out onto the streets. Im not being horrible to someone i love. I have a safe home at my mums and until we can talk civil and go to the bank to sort out devision of everything im not forcing someone to be homeless. I would not be able to live with that on my conscience. Yea i love him and hope he realises what is happening but if its done i cant become an evil person just cause of him

OP posts:

hermione2016 · 21/10/2016 11:34

What and how he has done this is making you feel rejected and that hurts like hell.

However he is the one with the issue, he can't handle emotions in a healthy way so he just wants to walk away from them.

You can't make the relationship better on your own and you will always feel vulnerable with him as he has acted so callous.

Please don't feel that you need to 'make up' to him, men like him will just keep disrespecting you if you don't show you deserve more. Be strong and show him that you accept his decision. I suspect he will start crawling back when he realises you are not going to tolerate his behaviour.

AnyFucker · 21/10/2016 11:49

So you are letting him kick you out instead ?

I am sure he will find somewhere to go. Perhaps to the woman he has his eye on as your replacement ?

It is highly likely his "done" comment is because he thinks the grass (read...other women who present only their best non-naggy side to him) is greener elsewhere

LunaJuna · 21/10/2016 11:53

I know it's hard because it's not what you wanted and you're still very attached to this family life you were building , but people change...
He's showing no emotion towards you and that says all

You are very young and one day you'll be glad this ended
This pain won't hurt forever and you'll be fine

SparklyMagpie · 21/10/2016 11:58

Agree with AnyFucker

I'm a single parent but if my son's dad would have done that to me NO WAY on this earth would I be the one leaving the house and my son's home! If he's done and wants out he should go!

I get you love him, but if he'd decided he wanted out, he'd be the one going!

You can stay at your mum's and that's great but why should you have to move you and your child out of YOU home just because he's had enough?
.I also have to agree that I'd suspect another woman is on the scene; you don't just say " I'm done" or "I can't be arsed" over something like this.

I'm sorry but he's not really giving a shit about you is he if he's happy for you and your child to leave

Original poster

Avpixie27 · 21/10/2016 12:00

I know for a fact there is no other woman. Im not being kicked out of my home, i can go back and forth but i choose to stay in my mums house for the support and love that i need right now.

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SparklyMagpie · 21/10/2016 12:06

So if you decide to go back home what happens then?

Bubblegum18 · 21/10/2016 12:07

Often there is normally an ow especially as he left you a note. He didn't want to face breaking up with you because he is guilty

Original poster

Avpixie27 · 21/10/2016 12:14

There isnt another woman. Point blank its because he cant take the arguments. Im no angel. When theres a fight i stay at my mums for a few days so we both get space. Right now i just want my mum and have some help with my son. I dont want to think of legal battles and custody issues. I just want to be ok and stop crying

OP posts:

Iamdobby63 · 21/10/2016 12:52

I won't keep repeating that you and your son should not be kicked out, you have given your reasons and you have gone because you want your family then that is your choice. It's the fact that he 'demanded' you to leave that has got under everyone's skin.

But why are you pandering to him? Did he ask to see his son? If he did then he should have picked him up for a couple of hours. You want him back and yet you are making it all so easy for him. You need to toughen up and then what happens, happens.

Tell him you are arranging the have the house valued next week so he needs to leave it in a presentable manner. Other than that then have no contact, if he wants to know about his son then he can contact you.

Original poster

Avpixie27 · 21/10/2016 13:39

I just dont want my son to see me upset and cry or be in an awful hostile atmosphere. I feel more comfortable with my family and i know that as soon as i can i will arrange to see the bank about the mortgage and get valuers. Yea it would be great if a fairy came and fixed it but i know i have to put my son first now. I already feel calmer for talking about it to you all. I just want a warm hug and for everything to move along

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Offred · 21/10/2016 15:23

If you are still paying towards the house then you need to ask him to pay you some rent since you have been deprived of the use of the house

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 21/10/2016 15:36

Do you think this relationship is good for you? You clearly love him and the change is horrible, and you have a son together, but your description of the relationship doesn't make it sound like a happy or healthy one. You seem to row quite frequently and then you go home? I'd find that hugely stressful too. There definitely seems to be no love lost on his side, given that he can leave you with a note and blank you.

Generally it's a good idea for the woman to stay in the house with the children, then she has the option of asking the court to make him pay some of the mortgage until the child is older. If you'd rather be at home, it's your prerogative. You'd be best to get some legal advice quickly to ensure you fully understand the consequences, and take your mum for support if you need too. Again, though, it's your decision. He doesn't seem to be showing you any of the care you are showing him, though. Don't expect him to treat you well from this point on. If he does, excellent. If he doesn't, you could end up in a really awful position.

Iamdobby63 · 21/10/2016 16:37

It's not always good to give someone space when you have an argument, often what happens is you settle down from being angry and then get back together without actually resolving the issues.... only for them to happen again.

I second Anchordown you need to get legal advice as soon as possible.

Cary2012 · 21/10/2016 18:56

Ask him to leave.
See if your mum will stay with you for a few days.
See CAB on Monday, get a list of local solicitors.

Bet he's had his head turned, regardless of you thinking not.

He wants out, let him go,

Stay in the family home, get practical and legal help,

Take care x

WorzelsCornyBrows · 21/10/2016 22:43

You said your argument became aggressive and lasted 5 hours. What do you mean by aggressive?

He has treated you and your child very poorly. When all this is done, I think you will regret allowing him to remove you and your child from your home.

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