DDs don't like my boyfriend.

[lostheloveofmylife]

I've been with my bf for over 18 months. We met online and really fell for each other. We weren't expecting / looking for something long term but it just felt like we found something really special.

For background, I have DD1 (17) and DD2 (14) and separated from EX DH 3 years ago and he has DS1(12) DS2(9) and DS3(7) and split from his ex 2 years ago. My ex lives a long way away by choice (8 hours drive) and so he doesn’t see my DDs very often and really takes no part in day to day parenting. They visit him for 3-4 days a few times a year or he takes them away for a few days.

Everything has gone so well for us that we started to talk about our future together, living together, marriage etc etc. He met my girls quite earlier on (as they are with me all the time) and I met his boys around about 10 months after we met. We have introduced the children and this summer went on holiday all together for a week. My problem is my DDs, especially the older one. She says she doesn’t like him – hates him in fact. She can’t understand what I see in him, thinks he’s rude and hates him being at our house. We have talked about it many many times – she thinks I am wrong to have him at our house after she’s told me she doesn’t like it.

I have asked her why she doesn’t like him. She says she doesn’t like his political opinions (he’s quite conservative). She thinks he has bad table manners (some truth in this but it doesn’t bother me) She says he isn’t interested in her (I disagree as he has tried really really hard to engage her in conversations and helped her with homework etc.)

I really don’t know what to do. I am terrified that by continuing our relationship, I could ruin my relationship with my DDs and risk them feeling that I have chosen him over them. On the other hand, could I lose a really fantastic relationship at a point when my DDs will both be gone off to university in 3 years’ time and I already spend most evenings / weekends alone while they are out with friends / working / in their rooms.

He's not parenting at all. He used to be a high school teacher and helped her with his subject.
what could he do to try and build their relationship. As teenage girls, they really don't have much in common with a 47 year old man.

Sorry, I meant that as a questions, What could he do to build a relationship? Would love some ideas.

Tbh, I don't think he needs a relationship with them. As long as he keeps his "not always the most PC" comments to himself and is civil to them, they will hopefully be civil to him.

Then, in a few years time, if you are still together, there will be no awkwardness and family events.

At 17, there is no reason for your daughter to have a relationship of any nature beyond common courtesy with your boyfriend, as much as you might want there to be more.

I was 18 when my parents split up. I was always civil to my mother's boyfriends, because I was a polite person, but they were never anything more to me than, well, my mother's boyfriends.

She doesn't/they don't have to like him just because you do. That's the bottom line.

He needs to be aware of what he does do when he is around them to know he needs to stop doing it

Its difficult to know OP on this one, as I think so much is unknown. Only you know the people involved.

My mother had a b/f when I was in my teens and I really didn't like him. And, as things turned out, I was right. So I agree about listening to her sensitivity on the issue. She may be picking up on something.

OTOH your DD may just be being bossy and not understanding that you need to have a life too, and even the greatest man in the world would be experienced as an intrustion. Perhaps its also hard at that age to accept a new man (father figure) into the family, even if he's a decent guy.

Rather than forcing a father/daughter type relationship, perhaps keeping a certain respectful distance between them e.g. not forcing them to go on holiday together might help.

I meant "hoping" for a father/daughter relationship.

Op, could his "not being PC" be more upsetting for your daughters than you realise? Could your DD be gay, or have close friends who are, for example?

Interesting point about his conservatism but no, he is definitely not sexist, or racist, but not always the most PC.

That seems to be a bit of a contradictory statement.

What isn't 'PC'?

Would it really be so hard for him to keep political views to himself when your daughters are around and stop eating like a pig? I'd have a problem with this too. He's the adult here.

Hello lost. Slow train sounds sensible to me. I wd definitely be careful. My parents separated when I was 16. One of them got together with someone DSis and I just didn't get on with, married quickly and didn't think it appropriate to factor in our views. Sadly despite a lot of effort on all sides this has had a long term impact on our rel with that parent (and partner). Our other parent took a different tack, was alone for longer, clearly prioritised us and when they met someone new didn't explicitly ask us if we were happy but we completely knew cared about and factored in our views. We were over the moon when they married and love them both to bits. The LTR with this parent is v strong as a result.

So I wd say tread carefully.. Good luck!!

It seems like its a good idea to try and get some more exposure to your friends etc in case there is anything that you are missing about the way that he interacts that you do need to take into account.
Hopefully you can find some way to raise the table manners thing?

On the other hand, when I was a child (pre-teen) my mum met someone new, and I couldn't stand him. I didn't actually have any good reason, it was all about being protective of my mum (though that wasn't how I articulated it, I was completely obnoxious). They stayed together, and still are together and as I grew up I realised that he is actually a lovely man and we have a very good relationship now.