Some daughters do have them! A mother rant!

[Msqueen33]

My mum and I have never had the easiest of relationships. When asked she'd say about how difficult and awkward I was when I was young (I had a lot of mh issues she was ashamed of as she's very much the type who cares about what people thinks. She'd like us to be perfect) and once said to me I wasn't the type of daughter she wanted. A lot of the time I try to please her and walk on egg shells so I don't get it wrong.

We moved house to be nearer my parents as my mum said they'd be able to help us more. Two of my three kids have autism. My parents are both early 70s and have been retired for the last year. The problem is my mother isn't very helpful. I don't expect her to raise my kids, or do loads if they choose not to. But it upsets me that she doesn't appreciate my situation and how she can help slightly even if it's picking up from school when she's around the corner and is having tea with a friend and leaves the friend's to go home just before pick up.

My dd is at nursery tomorrow and our older kids have an inset day so we've asked if they could have her after nursery so we can take the other two to a theme park (three year old wouldn't cope with it). We'll go quite late (it's a two odd hour drive) so we can drop her off at nursery. There was no pressure from us just an ask if they could if not no worries. Once again she's come out with "looks like we don't have a choice". And mentioning how she has loads of ironing to do. She makes me feel like we're really putting on her.

I feel stressed a lot coping with the two with special needs on my own. My dh works long hours as I can't work. We live in an expensive area but came here as my mum said she could help me more thankfully for now the school is good. I'm always hugely grateful and I know now I'll be panicking in case we're too late back. My dad though is very easygoing.

Any tips for dealing with difficult mothers? I have friends whose mothers (lone parents on their own) who do significant childcare. I'm not even expecting loads. Do I just grin and bear it and except this is how she is?

I don't want to read and run as they say here on MN, but this sentence sticks out for me on your OP:-

"came here as my mum said she could help me".

I think you need to find out what her intentions were when she said this, and then be honest with her as to what your expectation of her when you made the decision to move near her. I am wondering if there is a huge difference between the two.

I am wondering if she was "dangling a carrot" to entice you to move but had actually not really thought it through what it actually entailed or had no intention of helping you at all.

I know lots of Mum's where the GPs are very hands on and will have the GCs as the drop of a hat. They have weekends and holidays on their own without the kids. I also know people who are in the same boat as you where even the slightest bit of support is like getting blood out of a stone.

At the end of the day it all comes down to the level of commitment and hours the GPs want to give you.

I think you are normal to feel misled here.
When I had DD1 MIL said I me I will not be babysitting. Ever. But I would love to you visit. So I never asked.
But to have it dangled as an option that then ends up being bloody hard work is very annoying.
They are elderly now though, so maybe it is time to explore other childcare options and not rely on her

I think I would move to a cheaper area if I could

I do know how you feel

It is a shame that your mum doesn't feel able to offer you more help. However, I think you have to accept that this is the way things are, and stop asking her for support. The alternative is to be forever disappointed.