Sometimes I forget and let down my guard and speak freely to you as if you were a friend who I could just chat normally to. As if you were on my side, as if we had a marriage like other people do. It's my mistake.
I should never forget that I need to watch every thing I say and do in case it triggers you. I forgot that you are not someone I can trust or be myself with but someone I have to always make sure I protect myself from. It won't happen again. Can't think what came over me. I have got really really good at hiding the fact that I feel anything and am usually Ok at mentally rephrasing everything several times before I say it out loud in case I could give you a reason to ignore or abuse me.
I will try harder. Tread more carefully again.
Soon it will get to the point where I won't speak at all. Just keep completely silent, keep plodding on, getting on with things, trying to keep it together, bite my tongue, don't cry, don't worry, don't feel, don't think, don't dwell, don't let any bad thoughts into my head, read crap on the Internet, play a game, read a book, anything to not think, not let my feelings out, don't look the wrong way, don't let anything show on my face, keep my head down, blank expression, talk in a calm voice, no criticism, nothing which could be taken the wrong way, act normal, play dead, hide anything which might make you in a bad mood, stick to neutral subjects - food, friends, kids, never mention money, never mention worries, never show I'm scared, never show if I've had a bad day, never ask for help, never expect support, never hope things will be different, don't expect too much, accept everything, don't complain, don't shout, don't roll my eyes, try to block out the negativity which seeps into everything like poison, close my ears to the cursing, anger, pretend I can't hear the complaints, try to keep the peace, try not to be infected by the pessimism, the vitriol, think happy thoughts, don't internalise the constant bitching and backbiting against everyone in the world, smooth things over, make amends, make excuses for others to try to protect them, take responsibility for everyone's mistakes - better you're angry at me than them, hide mess, play things down, don't use the wrong tone, don't push, don't nag, don't forget things, don't make mistakes, don't hold a grudge, don't try to talk things over, love unconditionally, make peace, say sorry - always, for everything no matter what the situation, try to be gentle, try to be warm, offer tea, hold hands, turn the other cheek, focus on the children, all that matters is them being happy, put up, shut up, take it, block it out, hold them on my lap and close my eyes and think it's all worth it, that I can take anything, that I can do this, can keep doing this, because I have to.