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Original poster

Should I expect more? AIBU?

11 replies

Lala1980 · 20/10/2016 08:30

DH is going through a whole heap of sh*t right now. His dad died a couple of years ago and his mercenary uncle has pushed him out of the family business. He has had to take a pay cut to find work. His teenage son who lives with us is getting in trouble at school. His ex w is being a narc and alienating his other children who he hasn't seen since may. He is a runner but his knee is injured. So a pretty crap year.
I am funding the shortfall putting food on the table and fuel in the car, paying so mediation/court can continue, got him a job at mine and looking after (difficult) DSS and working FT myself. I am doing my utmost to support him.
I am a very tactile person. Sex and intimacy are super important to me. AIBU to be hurting that it has gone out of the window during this time? He is always tired and has started to drink more with the stress.
AIBU? Please be gentle. Feeling fragile. It's my birthday and he hasn't even said happy birthday...

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 20/10/2016 08:40

This sounds really, really tough so no wonder you're feeling like this on this morning Flowers.

I have also experienced sex, intimacy and attention to be in short supply when the other is ill, stressed, grieving etc and I find it very difficult to be patient and not put further pressure on him.

I'm not sure what you mean by "funding the short fall". Do your finances not operate as a family unit?

All of this aside, you need to talk to him don't you? Because not having your birthday acknowledged is very hurtful.

Original poster
Lala1980 · 20/10/2016 08:45

Thank you for your kind words.
We have generally kept finances beyond joint bills separate as we were both financially scarred by our exes.
I do need to talk to him but feel like I'm walking on egg shells not to make his life harder by being "needy"...

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 20/10/2016 08:54

"Needy" is such an unhelpful term. We all have needs but it's tricky to get the balance between acknowledging and expressing them whilst not making someone else responsible for them.

Why don't you frame this is in a, "how are we going to meet these challenges?" kind of a way?

The finances are an other issue. I'm not sure how you can have such separation when you're married.

RedMapleLeaf · 20/10/2016 08:55

Surely, "food on the table and fuel in the car, paying so mediation/court" are all joint expenditure in the same way as your bills are?

2rebecca · 20/10/2016 09:32

Part of supporting each other is talking to each other. Also it's his job to support you as much as your job to support him. It sounds as though the stresses you are both under aren't going to go away in the next couple of weeks so you need to discuss how they are affecting both of you and your relationship.
I would want the excess drinking to stop. I would also want to discuss the lack of intimacy and affection. If he's depressed he needs to get help for it. If he's just got in to a "poor me" way of thinking and has developed more of an adult/child relationship with you that needs to change.
Not acknowledging your birthday is really selfish.
If the relationship is to work he has to start putting something in to it as well. Drinking is just going to make everything worse.

Original poster
Lala1980 · 20/10/2016 22:56

Thank you all. After DP dropped DSD at school he made me coffee and had bought pastries. He had got me a card and presents from the garage (flowers/chocs/wine). Really pissed off though as nothing from DSS. No birthday sex and have come to bed in tears as he is asleep on the sofa. Can't see how to make things better. Resenting DSD:-(

OP posts:
Original poster
Lala1980 · 20/10/2016 22:57

Thank you all. After DP dropped DSD at school he made me coffee and had bought pastries. He had got me a card and presents from the garage (flowers/chocs/wine). Really pissed off though as nothing from DSS. No birthday sex and have come to bed in tears as he is asleep on the sofa. Can't see how to make things better. Resenting DSS :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
Lala1980 · 20/10/2016 22:57

DSS not DSD.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 21/10/2016 06:59

I'm sorry you had such a sad birthday yesterday. I'm wondering if you spoke to your boyfriend? Told him you wanted to go to bed with him? ("Birthday sex" sounds a bit weighted to me though).

2rebecca · 21/10/2016 07:24

I am not a birthday sex fan. Turns it in to an obligation. My step kids rarely got me birthday cards but didn't live with us. My son is bad at cards. It sounds as though he is opting out of your relationship at the moment

Wallywobbles · 21/10/2016 07:40

Presumably SS got his cues for your P. Doesn't sound sound like either I'm of them deserve the Dear honorific.

Im afraid it's time for a blunt conversation. And either they shape up immediately or you consider your options. Only one life etc.

Your current situation sounds miserable.

Might he be depressed? Would he see GO about it?

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