Hi, I received some really great advice here the other day, which I was really grateful for. Sorry, I can't find my other thread but I thought I'd follow it up and see if I can get some more opinions.
I'd basically reached the end of my tether with my ex and his increasing hostility towards me. I was advised to seek legal advice and I did. I had a couple of appointments and both were really positive, but the second solicitor seemed really really great so she is going to start my divorce off. I'm not doing anything legally in regards to contact time between him and DD currently, she advised me to do it myself and be firm to begin with and see what happens for the time being.
She seemed particularly interested in the way my Ex is with DD and says some of his interactions with DD that I relayed to her seem inappropriate and although it's not something there's masses of evidence on, it's something I should look out for.
It got me thinking and obviously, some things, as per my last post, have concerned me a lot lately anyway. Plus, I suppose if he was emotionally abusive to me, he may be to her in the future too?
I don't want to start looking for things to work in my favour. I'll be as factual as I can, but I would be grateful if people could tell me if they would be concerned or if I am looking for things that aren't there.
As said in the last post, he often says he is depressed and has said in the past he will end it all when she is more independent because currently she is his one source of happiness. She spends one weekend day/night with him, one night after school and one afternoon after school until 6pm. They never see anyone else apart from occasionally his parents. They do go out and do things and they have fun but most of it is spent just the two of them, in his flat which is pretty horrible. I guess I've always felt it's very isolated.
She's very defensive of him. I make a point to never criticise him to her, but there have been a couple of times when he has come up in conversation eg. when he still hadn't bought her a duvet so she could sleep in a warm bed "he's very busy you know" and when I said we would have to make sure we got her nice dress back of daddy so she could wear it to a party "he always returns my things even though you say he doesn't" (I do say that but only to him)
She has said a few times she and daddy tell each other everything but she doesn't tell me everything.
When he was relaying a road-rage incident to me which occurred while she was in the car, he said things to her like: "what did the nasty man say to daddy, can you remember?"
I recently found out he told her we are still married and showed her our wedding pictures, which confused her. I'd never thought to discuss the whole "separated but still legally married and not yet divorced" thing with a five year old. I'd kept it simple and said daddy and I used to be married. She was really upset with me for lying.
When she comes home from her dad's she is always a little harder to handle and generally more sensitive and less cuddly. Sometimes, if there is a couple of days gap between seeing him, it feels so lovely and relaxed after the first little hurdle and when it comes to going to his, she doesn't want to, but is then a little difficult when she returns.
Little fun spoiling things like he's told her he doesn't believe in fairies and not to cross her fingers because it's not true, and when she was really excited about a hairdressers appointment because she really wanted a fringe but came back from daddy's saying she didn't want one afterall as it wouldn't look very nice.
She knows not to mention my partner's name to her dad. My partner loves her and is very patient with her. She has a bit of a push pull thing with him, they'll get pretty close and then she'll go off him for a bit and so on.
This is the one I like the least: She will never say sorry for anything at home, she would rather be sent to bed. I think X makes her say it a lot and she does say it to him. I got angry with him when she was about 2 as I saw him hold her by the arm until she said it, when it wasn't really needed in the first place. Recently, she was a bit cheeky to him while he was dropping her off. He told her off and then made her say sorry to him, which she did. It didn't feel right to me, maybe because it's him? Can you complain about your child being made to apologise for being cheeky? It's hardly 'abusive' on the face of it is it, but it just struck a chord because I know what he's like and it felt like a bit of a power thing.
Anyway, that's it for now I suppose. I read all these things about the father/daughter relationship being so important, but is that ALL father/daughter relationships?