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Original poster

Dilemma or Aibu

18 replies

Bob19702 · 18/10/2016 08:09

I divorced my exw after I found out she had been having an affair with a work colleague, all sorted now joint custody with children no bad feelings . Now I have been seeing a lovely lady for 2 years we don't live together but spend lots of time together, she is divorced and it wasn't pleasant due to infidelity, last night we was talking and she told me she had a long term affair whilst she was married , I know this was a long time before we met but it's everything I stand against and detest . I really don't know how I feel about this revelation or am I being a bit silly because it was in the past ?

OP posts:
PoldarksBreeches · 18/10/2016 08:11

I'd really struggle with that. How insightful and regretful is she?

ShatnersWig · 18/10/2016 08:20

I would never cheat on a partner, so if my partner revealed they had had a long term affair with their previous husband, I would find that a struggle. I know things aren't black and white always, but that's just my morals I guess. I might just be able to cope if they'd had a foolish one night stand but long term deception? I'd struggle with that. My little voice would wonder how trustworthy they were and every time there was an issue in the relationship I'd wonder if they were up to no good - possibly unfairly but that's how it would be.

But in your shoes, having also been the victim of an affair by your previous wife, there is absolutely no way I could do this. I would see them totally and utterly differently - again rightly or wrongly, it doesn't necessarily mean they would cheat on me, but the constant wondering about coupled with them being capable of long term deceit? No, not worth it.

This is one that only you can decide.

Original poster
Bob19702 · 18/10/2016 08:22

Not regretful her ex was messing about also it appears that makes it ok because that's the way the relationship was , Is it worth bothering about with it being a long time ago ?

OP posts:
Starryeyed16 · 18/10/2016 08:24

That would be a deal breaker for me I always think if they cheat once they have the potential to do it again my ex cheated on me and I've been told he's been unfaithful to his now wife who's blissfully unaware.

Original poster
Bob19702 · 18/10/2016 09:01

It took me a long time to get over the deceit by my exw and I can never understand how people do it, My DP has not given me reason to suspect she would do the same to me but this has definitely pulled the rug from under my feet is it wrong to finish a 2 yr relationship due to something that happened years ago to someone else ?

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 18/10/2016 09:04

Bob Of course it's not wrong. You can end a relationship at ANY time for ANY reason it makes you worried, concerned, unhappy, miserable. But strangers on the internet cannot make that decision for you.

Ohdearducks · 18/10/2016 09:06

The fact she's been so honest about goes in her favour, can you talk to her about your worries as a result of her revelation? It sounds as if her affair was a reaction to her exh's cheating which could be significant in terms of her future likelihood to cheat.

Ausernotanumber · 18/10/2016 09:07

I'd be worried that she took 2 years to tell you tbh.

leaveittothediva · 18/10/2016 09:44

Personally, I wouldn't be happy. You are two years into a relationship. I'm wondering if she's been told the details of how your marriage ended?. If so, why wouldn't she have disclosed this before. You need to clarify what you won't accept in relationships. You've unfortunately attracted another cheater to you and you need to be careful. People have a habit of taking the same behaviors forward into new relationships, without really analyzing their part in the failure of the previous one. So her husband cheated, so she cheats aswell. Very mature. Don't know her back story. But you need to ask a lot more questions of her.

Original poster
Bob19702 · 18/10/2016 09:46

Thanks for the replies , I will not do anything knee jerk and I think we need to sit down and chat about it , she knows how my marriage ended my opinions on affairs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bob19702 · 18/10/2016 11:31

We have just met for coffee as we had previously arranged , she was very open about it and said she didn't love her ex and the relationship was finished , I explained my feelings and she assured me it would never happen again but doesn't understand my concerns because I wasn't involved. Maybe I need to have a think and process my thoughts .

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 18/10/2016 11:39

She's minimising it a lot. But then if she has no regrets then of course she won't be able to see what your problem is. In her mind it was justified.

So I think there's a fundamental moral incompatibility here. You think cheating is appalling, she thinks it was justified in her case.

I think this would be a massive massive turn off for me. And sometimes that's enough to strike a death blow to a previously pleasant relationship.

Would you have spent the past two years with her had she told you this from the start? I bet not.

Starryeyed16 · 18/10/2016 11:45

Imagine if it was your exw talking about you like that to her new partner how would you feel op?

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 18/10/2016 11:46

To reassure you - I too had a long term affair in my last marriage. My marriage was over I just didn't have the courage to end it officially as he was a control freak and I wasn't strong enough. It never felt like an affair just a separate part of my life - actually more important than the married part - emotionally anyway. I did end it (ended the affair also) years down the line I am remarried and I would never cheat now. I am a different person now and know I can talk to my dh about our relationship and if things weren't great I would say so long long before things were bad enough to be tempted to stray. I never felt like a cheater just a woman with 2 lives. Now I feel like I live a proper honest life. I am sure your dp feels the same.

JoJoSM2 · 18/10/2016 11:53

I wouldn't be impressed and proceed with caution. If she didn't love her ex, she should have ended that relationship first, before starting a new one. I'm also not impressed with her attitude and the fact she's not that bothered that she'd done it... and thinks that it's ok because her ex cheated on her too... very tit for tat sort of thinking - I wouldn't like that.

Ausernotanumber · 18/10/2016 11:57

I had an exit affair. I am not sitting in judgement in any way. But my new boyfriend knew about it from very early on. That's what concerns me - she has not really been honest with you by concealing it for so long

Scarydinosaurs · 18/10/2016 11:58

Don't allow yourself to be led into feeling that your reaction isn't valid.

You would be 100% justified to end the relationship. I would be most upset that she knew the details of your break up, and didn't divulge her own infidelity.

You are entitled to your feelings and they are entirely valid.

leaveittothediva · 18/10/2016 16:49

Just wondering did she say why her affair ended.? It might give you some more insight, because she's obviously not with him now either...

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