Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Feeling brave enough to post this please be nice

19 replies

Ausernotanumber · 18/10/2016 08:05

I have had a shitty night with no sleep and I have a sore back and I might ramble.

I love my bf completely and utterly. He is without any shadow of a doubt my other half. The other half of me.

I have had a couple of spectacularly shitty relationships and I can't get the idea out of my head that I don't deserve him and that it's all going to come crashing down.

This is completely me and my issue - it's nothing to do with him. He is NEVER anything but 100% supportive totally loving and has never even looked at anyone else or given me any sign anythingis likely to be wrong since we have been together.

I am almost 50 and he is almost 60.

He adores me. Tells me so every day. I adore him and tell him so. But I feel like it's too good so it has to be going to go wrong.

What can I do? I've had counselling in the past but this seems too minor.

OP posts:

Madinche1sea · 18/10/2016 08:17

Auser - you don't say how long you've been with your BF. Is this a new relationship. If so, the overwhelming feeling you get when you're really falling in love with someone can be scary, but it's normal, I think.
Do you suffer from anxiety in general?

Original poster

Ausernotanumber · 18/10/2016 08:20

Thanks for answering. I've been with him A year nearly.

Yes I have anxiety in general. Not on ADs now but I have been in the past.

It is an overwhelming feeling. He's just so so matched to me.

Not to say we never disagree but we have never has a full on row.

OP posts:

chelseafan123 · 18/10/2016 08:24

I think you're feeling scared it could all go away because it's a good relationship and then so you're in control of what happens you consider ending it because the thought of losing him or him ending it is so scary you want to control that.

I think these feelings will pass. Don't sabotage your own happiness just take it day by day.

Original poster

Ausernotanumber · 18/10/2016 08:25

It's not that I want to end it. I think he will end it with me.

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 18/10/2016 08:32

This sounds like intrusive thoughts which are being generated by your anxiety (and possibly feeling that you don't deserve happiness?) rather than being based on anything real or factual.

When you previously had counselling, did you learn any techniques to manage anxious thoughts?

Madinche1sea · 18/10/2016 08:34

Well I would say the only thing you have to come to terms with is how very lucky you are!
It's ok to be happy, you know. You're right, nobody ever knows what's round the corner, but that's all the more reason to let yourself enjoy the good moments and things in life.
My DH is truly "the other half of me" too and I knew that as soon as I met him. 15 years later and I still don't know what I'd do without him.
Try and live life as it comes and make the most of it.

musttheshowgoon · 18/10/2016 08:39

This is exactly me too at the moment OP. He is wonderful but I keep thinking of leaving just to save myself the pain of him leaving me because he is so fantastic. That sounds a bit crazy, doesn't it?

I don't have anything helpful to add but I think that prior bad relationships are problematic. I was with an abusive man and then an addict and am not used to someone being lovely and easy to be with

GinIsIn · 18/10/2016 08:40

I had this for a good 6 months to a year when I first met DH - I was convinced he was too nice and was going to realise I was awful. That was 5 years ago now - we've been married 2 years and have a baby on the way.

It actually has nothing to do with your relationship and your BF and all to do with you - you DESERVE to have someone be nice to you, and you need to get used to the idea of that. It was really hard to come to terms with, and I still wobble sometimes that he's going to find out I'm horrible, but we belong to each other.

Original poster

Ausernotanumber · 18/10/2016 08:41

I struggle with having an equal say.

I struggle with that it doesn't bother him if he has to compromise and he genuinely doesn't want to do something that will upset me.

I struggle sexually and he's so so patient with me. And I keep waiting for resentment from him. And there's none.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ausernotanumber · 18/10/2016 08:41

Fenella. You are so right. It is NOTHING to do with him and all to do with me. I know it is too but I still get the thoughts.

OP posts:

PirateFairy45 · 18/10/2016 08:46

Hey, you're 10 years younger than him, he probably thinks all his Christmases have come at once!.

Don't let those intrusive thoughts spoil it.

You have a man who obviously loves you, has shown you nothing but love and support. He obviously thinks the world of you!

He's lucky :)

Original poster

Ausernotanumber · 18/10/2016 08:48

Pirate the minute you say he's lucky my first thought is no he's not why would he be I'm lucky to have him because ....

OP posts:

GinIsIn · 18/10/2016 08:50

But don't forget - your first thought is you are lucky to have him, but that's probably his first thought about you too!

Original poster

Ausernotanumber · 18/10/2016 08:52

I said to him last night "I do suffer with crippling lack of self confidence at times".

He laughed and said he hadn't noticed. And hugged me. 😀😍

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/10/2016 08:54

If he is so lovely he will understand, won't he? Have you spoken to him about feeling insecure? Not in the way to elicit a "of course I won't leave you darling" but as a deep and meaningful way of revealing the whole you? Accepting who you are and that you're no better or worse than anyone else on the planet is really hard. I understand exactly how you feel. I've had years of counselling to accept and love me so it's not just something that you can sort out quickly.

shovetheholly · 18/10/2016 08:55

Oh, you poor thing. It's horrible to have those thoughts.

One thing that rings a few alarm bells for me is that you describe him as your "other half". And then you gloss that by saying he is the "other half of you".

He isn't the other half of you. You are a whole person in your own right. You don't need completing, you do not have a piece missing, you are not a fraction. Loving yourself enough to be whole does not mean that you love him less.

I think it's important to figure out where this pattern of thinking comes from. Is it something that you've picked up from family relationships earlier on in your life? Have there been incidents that have knocked the stuffing out of you a bit over the years? Figuring out why you might have this low self-esteem may be quite important in you being more comfortable with yourself. If you have the resources to do so, speaking to a counsellor - for just a few sessions - might be really important.

Original poster

Ausernotanumber · 18/10/2016 08:56

It's not that I have a piece of me missing that he's my other half. We are just so well matched (apart from his biking obsession and his dirty gym kit which stinks and my penchant for wool and crochet and craft stuff which I leave at my arse that drives him mad) it's that being with him feels like coming home.

It's not that I'm incomplete without him - poor choice of words

OP posts:

PirateFairy45 · 18/10/2016 08:57

He loves you, and he is lucky. Honestly, a 60year old with a 50year old girlfriend will know he's a lucky sod.

Try and do something for you, it sounds like your previous relationships have shattered your confidence and you seriously need a boost :)

Maureeno · 18/10/2016 11:26

I think you should enjoy.

Flip