A difficult question

[Kahli]

Ive been reading mumsnet for absolutely ages but I never thought Id join.
Some of the threads have made me laugh and others made me sad.
Others have been full full of good advice. Thats why I have joined and hope to get some of that myself.

The history bit first: About 2 years ago I became quite unwell and was told I had cardiac failure.
This is something that usually happens to old people so it was quite a nasty surprise.
It hasn't improved and its actually got a lot worst.
I don't have much mobility and cant do most of what I used to do.

My lovely husband has been fantastic.
He does absolutely everything in the house. Looks after our teenage lad, cooks, cleans washes, irons, you name it. He also holds down a full time job and he has never complained once.

The problem I have though is that I am not able to give him an intimate physical relationship. It isn't temporary because I'm not going to get better (Hope to be around for a while yet though!).
I don't think this is at all fair on him, he is 44 years old, and we have had numerous conversations about it.

I really want him to have something in his life to enjoy.

It took me a while to pluck my courage up to say it but I told him I would like him to have relationships with other women so his life isn't wasted.

I cried real tears when he told me he couldn't bear to do it with any other woman.
He had tears in his eyes as well when he said it but there was something in the way he said it which made me feel something was wrong.

I confided this to my sister and she dropped me a bombshell really.

She thinks he may be attracted to other men. Apparently she seen something on our computer when booking a train ticket.

I don't think he has been with men before. He has just looked at porn. But if he is tempted I would like to tell him its ok. I cant give him a physical relationship anymore but I don't want to deny him a full life.
I don't know how to raise the subject with him though. I'm sure he might be insulted if its wrong,
Is there a right or wrong way to deal with this one?

When I read your OP I read the bit where he said for you to not ask him about the details and I immediately thought that he had already been sleeping with men but you had just given him the green light to do it openly. I also think your sister isn't being honest with you and she knows a lot more than she is letting on.

You didn't have to give him permission to sleep with other people you know. I do understand why sometimes people do end up having affairs when illness etc prevents any kind of physical relationship, I don't necessarily think it's ok but I do understand how it happens. I also understand how you felt you had to give him permission to seek physical affection elsewhere because you felt guilty that you couldn't provide that for him any more. Been there, done that, in similar circumstances actually. Had the flu which attacked my heart last year and now have a heart issue as a result. Was unable to be physical for around three months and felt incredibly guilty and did wonder if things would ever improve for me, and feared that if they didn't DP might end up leaving. He didn't and they did improve, but I would never have given him permission to sleep with other women, I would have given him permission to leave me though.

However, giving permission for your H to sleep with other women was essentially giving him permission to check out of the marriage because you feel you owe him that. You didn't. You didn't ask to become ill, and you don't owe him a sex life or the permission to go and find pleasure elsewhere.

And it seems that he was cheating throughout your marriage anyway, and now he has your permission to do it openly. . Think back to what you said at the beginning of this thread, Howe you would never have tolerated him sleeping with other people before you fell ill. That hasn't changed. He was sleeping with other people before you fell ill, and now that you know you still don't have to tolerate it just because the position has changed.

I don't understand why anyone is wishing this cheating bastard well. He's a cheat regardless of whether he was cheating with other men rather than women. He has cheated on the OP throughout their marriage, and if she hadn't fallen ill he would have continued to do so. And people wish him well? I think not.

You've had a huge amount to take in in just a few days. You're dealing with three things at once - your initial choice to give him the option of going elsewhere (this must have been a very difficult decision), the truth about his sexuality and then finally and perhaps most importantly the news that he has been unfaithful including when you were well.

You need time to process all this. If you can access counselling I would suggest that.

I see that you need help and suppprt on a practical level but I think the brother/sister set up could end up being very damaging for your self-esteem.

I'm sorry for all you're going through.

Hmm. I'm bisexual and married to my DH for 10 years. I made a conscious decision to be with him, and despite being attracted to women I wouldn't have cheated on him numerous times in the past decade. Because it's a member of the opposite sex doesn't mean it doesn't count as cheating
Are you thinking that all he's been doing for you has been partly out of guilt? It's unfair to have you questioning your entire relationship because your husband can't keep his attractions to himself.
What do you want to happen here OP?

Op I can feel the hurt and betrayal seeping through your words! You made an incredibly brave decision, one that I would never be able to make but which shows how genuinely kind, loving and supportive to your husband you are. You obviously gave all of your self to your marriage and I know how hard it is to see the impact that a broken body can have on those you love.

You made your decision based on the belief that your incredibly loving, supportive and faithful husband was desperately missing the wonderful physical side to your strong, loving relationship. Personally I wonder if at some level you realised that your husband needed more. What is incredibly unfair, is that not only was your husband not the loving, faithful man you believed him to be, he also spent almost your entire marriage embarking on seedy sexual encounters that put your sexual health at risk! You made peace with your inability to continue to enjoy a sexual relationship with your husband, based on the wonderful memories of your
loving and fulfilling sexual relationship throughout your marriage. Only to be told that from the beginning of your marriage, when you believed that you were in the honeymoon stage of your marriage, he was out shagging men whenever he could.

I want to point something out too, being bisexual does not excuse infidelity! Plenty bisexual men and women have fulfilling and monogamous marriages/ relationships. A cheating bast*d is still a cheating bast*d whether he chooses a man or a woman to cheat with!

I am severely disabled with severe M.E, my husband is my full time carer. I am bedbound, I tire extremely easily, and can't sit up without having my heart rate going through the roof. But we have a fulfilling sexual relationship still. My husband does all of the work and is incredibly gentle, as well as not happening as often as we would like but that's more to do with being parents! However if we didn't I would never, ever dream of offering for my husband to go elsewhere. Our marriage is so much more than just sex, we have a deep loving bond and friendship, we could never hurt each other like that! I must admit that when you spoke about his reaction I was suspicious. He has made your marriage a sham and I would be wondering if he ever truly loved me, to allow me to sit at home trying not to imagine him in bed with another man.

This man is your carer, to care you need absolute trust, confidentiality and empathy. Your husband has none. I would look into adult social services for care and I would be advising your husband that once you have care you want him to leave. You are incredibly vulnerable, your self esteem as a disabled women must have been so low for you to make this offer, please don't destroy it any more by allowing him to live this life whilst rubbing his encounters into your face! If he was truly a good man, he would have broke down and told you everything when you made the first and second offers! I am betting that his selflessness as a carer had more to do with guilt than love. I'm also wondering if your condition has provided him with the perfect opportunity to continue his lifestyle guilt free! I also would be asking just how much your sister knew! You need absolute honesty and you deserve the truth!