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Original poster

My massive problem with DH's ex-wife...

51 replies

user1476706647 · 17/10/2016 14:18

A bit of background - I have been married to my DH for 5 years, together for 9 years and we've known each other all my life (family friends). He was with his ex on and off for about 8 years; they’d often split up and get back together, having girlfriends/boyfriends in between, but when they split the last time it was for good and she has since married and had a DS (long story there but I won't go into it!). They have a DD who lives with us as and DH and I have a DD who is 5.

Anyway, we had a fairly amicable relationship with his ex, contact was mainly about their DD but when their DD came to live with us things got ugly and his ex now hates me and blames me for the situation. According to their DD, her mum is unhappy in her marriage, wishes "things were different" and has told their DD that she "still cares for him" (meaning my DH). She started to contact DH, sometimes late at night when she knows I'll be in bed, to ask him if he fancied a chat because she's had a drink and she's bored... (He fobbed her off saying he was off to bed as he had to be up early). She sent him a Facebook friend request (which he accepted because I told him to) and she’s also added him on Xbox (she thinks of herself as some kind of gamer girl). Last month she sent him a series of selfies via snapchat, which he didn't open as he doesn't really know how to use the app (he downloaded it so he could send me funny pics of him and our DD) she then text him to ask why he hadn't opened her snapchat messages! And now she's text him to say she's looking into getting gig tickets for their DD, and would he like to go with them??!! He declined as he can't get the time off work, and he wouldn’t have gone even if he could. Whenever she texts she never mentions me, it seems like she is pretending that I don't exist and I'm pretty sure she thinks I don't know that she's contacting my DH (DH has told me that she's a few sandwiches short of a picnic basket!). I'm pretty sure she wants to get back with my DH as she has openly told their DD that she misses him and still cares for him. He maintains that he has no feelings for her and that nothing she does will ever come between us but I can't help worrying about her actions and the way she seems to think she has some sort of claim to him. I know I am probably being paranoid and that I should just leave her to it. And I do trust my DH explicitly. It's her I don't trust. Do I tell her to back off or should I leave her to her delusions and trust that DH will deal with anything inappropriate if it happens? I'm also pretty sure her DH knows nothing about her contact with my DH, and I don't think he'd be very happy about it!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks

OP posts:
APlaceOnTheCouch · 17/10/2016 15:29

Be honest with your ex. Tell him you're feeling insecure and this new level of chattiness with her is making you uncomfortable.
I'm afraid his naivety isn't an excuse neither is humouring her to try to avoid her kicking off. She is going to feel even worse if he drags all this out and then eventually has to make his boundaries clear because she'll feel he sent her mixed signals.

HuskyLover1 · 17/10/2016 15:33

I would tell her to Fuck off actually. Tell her that any inappropriate messages will be screen shot and sent to her husband. That ought to do the trick.

Original poster
user1476706647 · 17/10/2016 15:36

HuskyLover1 Hahaha that's exactly my way of thinking!! I have told DH that the next time she sends him something I deem to be inappropriate I will screenshot it and send it to her DH! I'm just waiting to bump into her so I can thank her for inviting "us" to the gig, and what a shame it is "we" can't make it.....

OP posts:
adora1 · 17/10/2016 15:39

I assume you don't want anyone to fall out due to the kids and his seeing them but I would honestly keep out of it and I wouldn't be snooping on her FB either, that's really sad.

It's your OH that needs to tell her OP, he may know quite well what she is like but is too scared to rock the boat, however, he needs to tell her to stop meddling in his relationship, it's strictly about the kids, nothing else - she's inviting him and trying to entice him thinking he may agree so he needs to be firm so she is under no illusion that he won't be going off to play happily families with her - EVER.

mysinkingheart · 17/10/2016 15:42

It's horrible to feel insecure like that and I truly feel for you.
But he chose you. Skinny and pretty is overrated and I've found that the people worth keeping in your life know that and value deeper qualities, as your DH seems to otherwise he'd have stayed with her. She sounds unstable...don't go down that route by becoming paranoid. I learned to replace the urge to snoop by being more loving to myself. Don't put him off you, just be yourself and if you feel it's getting out of hand ask him to put down firmer boundaries.
But I'd say the best thing is to rise above it gracefully and remember that he and their DD clearly prefer being with you. If you trust him show it, and if you don't you'd be justified in asking for him to deal with her. But please don't snoop, FB can be a confidence killer...

pinkyredrose · 17/10/2016 15:44

You describe her as a mental case ?! Hmm

Does she actually have mental health issues or do you just not like her?

Original poster
user1476706647 · 17/10/2016 15:46

adora1 She couldn't stop him seeing their DD as she lives with us and very rarely sees her mum. But you'tr right about FB, I do need to let that go. And he does need to make it clear that he has no interest in her, as by saying nothing I think she thinks that it's ok to keep texting.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1476706647 · 17/10/2016 15:47

thank you mysinkingheart Smile

OP posts:
mysinkingheart · 17/10/2016 15:49

Stay true to yourself opFlowers

shovetheholly · 17/10/2016 15:52

If your DH chooses to cheat on you, it is not the fault of this woman or any other woman. It is the fault of your DH. So the behaviour/misbehaviour of other women really shouldn't shake your relationship. Particularly give that it sounds to me as though your DH has behaved pretty impeccably so far, drawing some boundaries and not opening messages that might be difficult.

With anyone else, you could just make a decision to cut her out of your lives - but since she is your DSD's mother, you have to maintain some kind of cordial relationship. So until she really crosses a line, you will need to roll your eyes silently at some of the behaviour, and to encourage your DH to set firm boundaries (which, to be fair, he seems to be doing). It is really up to him to set the tone and appropriacy for this relationship, and he sounds like he's doing a decent job at that already.

I feel incredibly bad for your DD in all this. Why is she reporting to you what her DM thinks and feels? It must be an incredibly awkward and emotionally painful position to be in the middle of two motherly adults who clearly dislike each other. Whatever your feelings are about her mother, you need to be polite about her in front of her own daughter, surely!

Original poster
user1476706647 · 17/10/2016 15:52

pinkyredrose both Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
user1476706647 · 17/10/2016 16:00

shovetheholly DSD's relationship with her DM is volatile at best, DSD has no time for her and only visits when she absolutley has to. Its a very sad state of affairs that she prefers me to her own Mother. but thats all her DM's doing. I try and be as nice about her as I can, but she's done some very VERY shitty things in the past. DSD is under no illusion as to what her DM is like, she tells me everything that is said.

OP posts:
sumoweeble · 17/10/2016 16:06

I would get some couples counselling or some individual therapy in your situation. There are massive issues in your relationship and they are likely to explode unless you feel a bit clearer on whether you can trust your husband, how to parent your step-daughter (and your biological daughter), what your boundaries are etc etc. Really difficult stuff to work out and I would look for some neutral outside help.

Original poster
user1476706647 · 17/10/2016 16:14

sumoweeble I think its his ex that needs the counselling! I do trust my DH and I've been doing a pretty good job of parenting my DSD over the past 9 years and my DD for the past 5.

OP posts:
RepentAtLeisure · 17/10/2016 16:16

You sound like you're enjoying all this. If it's a regular topic of conversation for you, consider whether you really want to shut it down.

Otherwise - shut it down! She only needs to be in contact with him regarding their daughter. Why would he need to be FB friends with her? And why did you encourage it? You are helping with the mixed signals. Wait for the next time she crosses the line, and then block her on everything but the phone.

she’s also added him on Xbox (she thinks of herself as some kind of gamer girl)

Well, if she has a games console, and she plays it, isn't she a gamer? The 'girl' bit is redundant, unless she can operate her controller with her fanny...

Atenco · 17/10/2016 16:16

"And maybe I read too much into things, but after her telling their DD that she still cares for him and wishes things were different"

I have an ex that I feel that way about, but I am also very glad he is with someone who makes him happy. However I don't mean everyone is like me.

It does sound like you are being insecure, OP, and your DH is obviously not interested.

NickiFury · 17/10/2016 16:21

Why should she be asking after you? I don't purposely pretend my exes girlfriends don't exist but they're completely irrelevant to me. It does sound irritating but you did encourage to accept her on FB, which gave her an "in" boundaries should be water tight if he thinks she's honestly trying to start something up again with him.

MrsBertBibby · 17/10/2016 16:22

You keep saying you trust him, but clearly you don't. If you trust him, surely it wouldn't matter if she stripped naked and lay on the couch in a pile of rose petals, he wouldn't be fussed.

sumoweeble · 17/10/2016 16:23

I think it could be helpful. You are feeling unhappy and worried about the situation and it's clearly having a huge impact on the whole family. You can't change her but therapy can help you think about how you are feeling, thinking and acting in response to a difficult situation and this can be invaluable, ime. Just a thought though! No pressure.

sumoweeble · 17/10/2016 16:27

snort @RepentAtLeisure's new form of pelvic floor exercise for female gamers. Up the sisterhood.:)

Nousernameforme · 17/10/2016 16:31

Tbh I would have some serious misgivings if my dp was happy to let his ex contact him in this way why has he not already shut it down? If DSD doesn't answer her phone to her mum that's her own lookout. I fail to see why that means your dp has to be a go between.
Also him describing her as a mental case would be a huge red flag for me. Men use this as a tactic to discredit anything a former partner says.

oleoleoleole · 17/10/2016 16:38

Leave them to it, I don't think you've anything to worry about with your DH. I would, though, contact her DH next time she contacts your DH re concert tickets or whatever and ask him if he feels left out when she's trying to make arrangements for her and ex to go to a gig without her DH and you! That'll set the cat amongst the pigeons!!

Threepineapples · 17/10/2016 18:11

You need to stop with the drama and cut off all contact except e-mails regarding essential communication about dsd.

I don't think you do trust him, not necessarily because he is untrustworthy in any way, but because the lack of him asserting good boundaries is making you feel insecure.

Givememorewine · 17/10/2016 20:01

OP I'm sure your DH thinks you are far more gorgeous. He loves you! Smile

jenifermacus · 17/10/2016 20:07

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