MY HUSBAND SAYS IM SO CONTROLLING.NORMAL ??

[timo]

My ds is 3mths. My husband says im so controlling.We just dont agree on so many things concerning our ds.Is this normal??
Wot is the best way 2 get thru this difficult time?

hi timo
what kind of stuff? don't know if it's normal but I'm pretty much in charge of ds2 who's 3 months and I was the same with ds1 - new mum hormones make us that way to ensure survival of the species I reckon - I do most of the care for him and decide pretty much everything from feed:bed times to when he has his jabs - if you are with him most of the time while dh is at work then you probably know him a lot better than dh right now which he probably finds difficult

ds1 is just under 2 now and me and dh pretty much share most tasks and decide together on most stuff with him although I do the day to day care so things change with time

does that sound like you guys or is it something else?

Well Timo, your DH seems very "normal" to me, it seems like the trend is to complain about how controlling are wives... the problem is that when you don't control things, things happen. I think is mother nature reminding us that however helpful men could be nowadays, the survival of the species is in our hands

I found myself being quite controlling with my ds1 when he was a baby. I really had to force myself to take a step back and ask myself did I really need to make all the decisions myself, would my son come to any harm if my dp took over? and the answer was "no" but its soooooo hard! Its because you want the best for your children and you know whats best for him! If you can, though Im not sure what the disagreements are over, try to take a step back and ask yourself the same question - in the great scheme of things, will it really affect your ds? you may have to bite your tongue, but it may help you get through!

i just put it down to mother instincts. and i think most people tend to have different views on how to bring up a child, so there will be some things you wont agree on. i think the best thing to do is if you have a decision to make, go over it with your dh, and then take into account his opinion and come to a decision together of whats best, although that doesnt always work

sorry i dont think ive been much help!

Thanku SO much every1!!
Uv all made me realise that im not the only one.
To b honest my DH cannot do anything right!!
Its all me. He is a wonderful husband & very helpful but I am bein controlling.
It is SOOOOOOOOOOO hard to bight tongue yes I agree,but I know its wot I need 2 do.
Wen I was pregnant I read every book going on how to care for your child so now of course I know best!! My poor DH. I will make a conscious effort to chill out.xx

Hi Timo
I too was a controlling mother at the beginning.
My DH broke down one eve after lots of angry spats. He said I was undermining everything he did and it made him feel terrible about our baby and his ability as a dad.
It took a BIG effort for a while, but I have never undermined him again. I just bite my tongue, in fact now I don't even need to do that. He has learnt to take care of his son really well and has a lovely relationship with him.
I know it is so hard when you know best, but try to remember that your baby is also 1/2 you dh's.
WHen we are out and about at people's houses, DH usually looks after DS and I get to have a bit of baby free conversation. It will work to all your advantage if you allow him to learn by himself bit by bit.
I know how tired you are and how stressful this all is. It was not until my ds was about 7 months that I realised how stressed I was.
He's now 9.5months and squeals with delight when his daddy comes home from work. It is lovely to see.
Count to ten before you shout at him, it will work and the relationship your dh has with your ds will be the reward for all 3 of you.

I think it is normal to have to feel in control of EVERYTHING when they are very new and young. I say feel in control, not be in control mind (smile) I look back at the early days and I was uptight about everything. Much more relaxed now. DH is fab with our DD - he is a SAHD and I tend to defer to him now as he knows her daytime quirks much better. It is a huge learning curve and every now and then you need to stand back and take a deep breath nad take stock. HTH

I think the best thing to do is to literally leave him alone with the baby. MY dh has always bathed ds, pretty much from day one. I found that if I was there, I'd stand over him making 'corrections' which wasn't fair and made him fed up. So then I decided that was my time to lie on the sofa with a magazine and a glass of wine.
It worked much better that way. Now I know that dh looks after ds perfectly - differently to me, but that isn't worse.

my SIL was very controlling with my BIL where there baby was concerned. He could never do anything right, Im afraid. My nephew is 10 now and she moans that his dad never does anything with him and if he does it is not to her liking. i say let them (the dads) get on with it! Of course they dont do things how you want them to, but thats life. They are their kids aswell, after all

but surely there is a minimum standard that you both can agree on? personally, i'm always amazed that women are happy to let men get away with a lower standard of care because they are men.

Ahhh, but Serenequeen, that'e the probelm, isn't it? Whose definition of 'lower standard'. DP does / doesn't do things that make my eyebrows wrinkle at the very least - but he won't agree that they represent a 'lower standard' - so I generally adopt Aloha's approach!

I go for Alohas approach - what you don't see doesn't wind you up - me and DH have had arguments over the best way to change a nappy! I get very uppity if he thinks I'm not doing things right, so best thing is to leave DH to do things his way, and relax!

well i find myself subscribing to the "what the eye doesn't see the heart doesn't grieve over..." out of necessity caused by my current working situation (only 3 more wks to go thank god). but i know if hadn't nagged in the past ds wouldn't get much fresh fruit or veg, wouldn't have his teeth cleaned am and pm without fail, wouldn't be prompted so much for pleases and thankyous... and i do think not doing those things constitutes a lower standard...

would you ("one" - not directed at anyone in particular) accept the same standard of care from a key worker at nusery/childminder/nanny as you tolerate from your partner. why wouldn't you/one hold dh/dp to at least the same standard as a paid carer?

Whenever I see dh washing dd's hair, it makes my teeth itch, he doesn't use his fingertips and just sort of pats the shampoo about. But I try not to correct him as he loves bathtime and it would make him feel bad. And don't get me started on his nappy fastening technique .

I agree, it is very hard not to interfere but then you would end up doing everything yourself and that benefits noone.

DP is definitely hazy about food - chips and spag hoops are a veg, etc, but then he's BETTER than me at some things (just a few ). Nursery / care workers are paid to do a job to your likeing - partners tend to see themselves as equal decision-makers / co-parents so mine gets shirty if I try to impose MY standards all the time. But I can't bear a general acceptance that men should be 'allowed' to get away with things that their manly abilities can't sink to!

i am quite bossy and controlling, i admit it, but at the same time i do believe in the concept of minimum standards (which should of course be agreed together with your dh/dp) re feeding, discipline, bed time etc. so, e.g., it would be unreasonable of me to complain because dh doesn't - i dunno - fold up ds's clothes the same way i would, but imo, i don't think it is unreasonable or bossy or controlling to be p**d off if i were to find out dh hadn't been - say - brushing ds's teeth every night.

dh is a million times better than me at all the fun things like games, stories, imaginative games, made up rhymes etc which is lovely for ds but makes me feel terribly inadequate

harrumph as far as "equal decision making goes"!! yes in the ideal world, but while i am the one who bothers to do the reading on what constitutes good nutrition, i'll make the decisions thanks!

bossy, moi

Yes - I agree: basic agreed 'bottom line' over important things like discipline, health (inc teeth)....and listening to ME over nutrition!

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Oh, I don't know. I let ds have chips and ketchup for lunch the other day. And if I'm watching something on the TV, and dh isn't there, I put him to bed later. I'm not perfect, so why should he be? Ds is happy and healthy and seems to survive our mutual inadequacies - and if my dh started to criticise my motherly failings I would be upset and angry, so I kind of try to repay the compliment. My dh is a VERY good father to both his kids. He's not identical in style to me, but I think that is good too.

I still cannot chillout APPARENTLY!!
Now my DH has got that word controlling in his head & cuz iv admitted to it once & apologised & said i would chill ou he now using it in any situation!!
I thought I was doing really well.

oh dear
sorry to hear that mum2oliver
what kind of stuff are you getting hassle over then?
just thinking about the controlling thing, what really annoys me is having to talk through literally every stage of childcare with dh eg this morning I got a lie in (having been up alllll night btw with crying children that dh can tune out comletely) and because I wasn't up to instruct, ds1 was dressed for the day without having his night nappy changed (and it was pooey)and hadn't had anything to eat or drink since getting up an hour and a half earlier although his dad had had his breakfast. some things don't matter but some do and for me those are important things - it makes me a nag or a doormat - either I tell dh to do it or just do it myself - don't know which is better really
anyway bit of a ramble but I'd be very wary of letting dh hold the 'too controlling ' label over my head unless I thought he had a point (obviously not as I am perfect!!)

Well everyday my ds has his feed between 6.30-7.30am then a little play while I get his bath ready.He then goes down for a nap.Then bla bla bla.
@ the wkd my dh always says 4 me 2 have a lie in.
Lovely!!
He doesnt bath him & ds ends up sreaming with overtiredness!! Very diff to settle so dh leaves him layin in his cot screaming then i end up gettin up!!
He just never listens.