transactional/ one-sided / martyr relationships where you don't actually like the martyr

[parentsvsPIL]

My mother has all sorts of issues. She isn't a very nice person to put it mildly, and a lot of her life is spent in festering resentment, or judgement of others.

One of her reasons for judging others is deciding some aspect about them is inadequate - and then she decides to "fix" this by constantly being "helpful" with suggestions, buying stuff, doing things unasked - and then getting massively resentful when the other person isn't grateful enough "after all she's done for them". She believes that "no personal effort is too great when you know the person and you know what they really need" - and consequently the recipient should put in an equal amount of effort showing their undying gratitude to her. Particularly when she makes it abundantly clear just how much she has sacrificed for them.

So in my case it's that I am boring, stupid, unsociable, unhospitable, ugly, deliberately dumpy, dowdy and scruffy, and lack any concept of good taste or manners. Her idea of how to fix this is to have told me this regularly for the last 40 years, and every now and then buy something expensive that I haven't asked for and don't want - and then carp on about what an ungrateful, ugly slob of a daughter she has, to anyone and everyone.

Every time she and my father go away she buys stuff - comes back saying "I bought this, you probably won't want it, but I did it anyway just to get your goat. You're so dowdy, this might help." I then say thankyou, remind her that it's really not necessary to buy things but the gift is much appreciated. She then carps endlessly abouy how much she has given me over the years and how OTHER people have daughters sho appreciate their mothers' huge personal sacrifices.

When it gets too much I eventually say "our house is really too small, please don't just buy things without asking, we really don't have the space", this is taken as rank ingratitude, the carping gets worse, my father gets furious and screams and shouts at me for being vile... I say "look all of this has been very much appreciated but none of it was actually asked for"... and then the next time they go away it all happens again... and the cycle goes on and on. Every gift comes with criticism. I refuse any offers of anything from either of them, but I can't stop them just buying stuff and then throwing it at me (sometimes literally - my mother once bought a set of guest towels because apparently ours weren't good enough - and threw the plastic bag full of towels at my head while telling me she thought my housekeeping was disgusting).

There are bloody crates of stuff she's bought sitting in our garage that I feel too guilty to get rid of, but that I don't want to be reminded of.

How do you deal with this? It's not just me she does it to - it's most people she knows well. My parents can't understand why they have very few friends and why friendships never last.

In these circumstances, directly asking for something is a sure way to ensure they won't give that to you. They have to demonstrate their supposed superiority of mind and redefine what you want for you. For example on my Christmas list, I wanted Poirot DVDs. I was collecting them. The gift was a netflix membership. I could watch it, but not own it. I wanted to own it.

If you want a Cruise holiday from her-then drop little comments about how you'd never like to go on a cruise, too many people together, you'd probably get sea sick, you could never see yourself enjoying something like that. Then on your next milestone birthday it would be just too much for them to resist: they'd have to give you a Cruise and prance about in all their glorious smugness. (Best not let them see you skipping up the gangway .)

Have a garage sale. Car boot sales would be great. eBay -this is exactly what eBay was made for, and the charity shops.

She doesn't come to yours very often. She may never know. If she does notice, blame your dh, that's a universal service provided by spouses that is her problem, not yours. But you have nothing to feel guilty about regarding how you process these objects. It can really just be considered an administrative task.

Thanks for all the responses

Answering a few of the points raised:

I think emotional detachment, rather than increased engagement, is probably the way forward. Increased engagement seems to be completely contingent on enmeshment with parental opinions. I'm not willing to do that.

I agree with those who caution against asking for anything. As with increased engagement, any help coming from my parents comes with massive strings attached.

Re: am I neglecting myself & my career/ living in a mess as a specific rebuke to my mother - no, not at all. Mother's view of acceptable standards of housekeeping and appearance sit somewhere between Hyacinth Bucket and 1950s high society. Her idea of appropriate behaviour for me having the neighbours round is a 5-course dinner served on hand-painted C19th Limoges dinner set on the french-polished oak dining table, with solid silver cutlery & candlesticks. Her idea of appropriate workwear for me is designer suit, silk scarf, earrings, necklace, perfect nails, hair done, high heels. Etc.

Unfortunately for her I live in a small town in the colonies where everyone dresses in jeans, tshirt, fleece & trainers. Our house is a nice 1950s brick bungalow with just enough space for bookshelves, stereo & piano in the living room; our furniture is well-made secondhand stuff (as opposed to antiques). If we have the neighbours round for tea it's a bbq on the deck and shock horror we might end up with mismatched plates if we have enough people there. We came here for Dh's job, so I now work part-time in publishing as opposed to my former career as a scientist, and am doing a second PhD in music (which is what I'd have wanted my first PhD to be in had I not been told I was going to do medicine and discover the cure for cancer).

So no, I'm really not causing anyone concern with my lack of self-care - other than my parents, who think I'm a retarded waste of oxygen who has thrown away a career probably because i was too dysfunctional to maintain it.

Today I'm going through the crates working out which bits can be re-gifted, sold, or given to charity. Even if I don't get the sellable stuff sold by the time DS arrives, at least I'll have made a start.

Sounds like she's doing "the rescue triangle" in Transactional Analysis... "rescuing" then "persecuting". Worth looking into - there's a lot of it in the book Scripts People Live by Claude Steiner.
It's horrible and manipulative :(

Mindfulness is about experiencing what's happening as it happens. Allowing the thoughts to form, but holding them at an emotional distance. Then choosing to let them float away like leaves on a river. It's about focussing on what is ok about now. Simple things like imagining the flow of air in and out of your body. Listening to birdsong or the hum of a fan. It's about responding not reacting. Even overly preparing for a skype call is more reactive than responsive - your stress hormones are involved with reactions.

I practise every day (ex was narcissistic cheater and now horrid) it keeps me sane, so I recommend it!

what the above shows re rejecting gifts I like vs keeping gifts that aren't necessarily so much my taste - it's not as bad as it sounds. I tend to see trinkety stuff - jewellery, paintings, ornaments etc as reminders of people/ places rather than as part of a scheme of personal styling or interior design. My mother is the opposite - anything given to her that's not her taste will be summarily rejected and the giver will be told they haven't a clue.

Much of what my mother gives is stuff that just has no place in my life - eg most recently a clutch handbag from LK Bennett. Apparently it was "for work". As she knows well, I work at home on the sofa usually in PJs and if I go out to meet a friend for a coffee, it's in jeans, trainers and a fleece. Going out to dinner one might substitute a jacket & jumper & leather shoes, but I'd still be in jeans and so would everyone else...

Even back in the days of me having a "proper" career, when high-table dinners in college involved their fair share of solid silver, lead crystal & french polish, it's not like any of the college fellows actually lived like that at home, or wore designer clothes under their (academic) gowns...

The dynamic at the moment appears to be that your mother gives you a gift with emotional strings. You react to those emotional strings by feeling guilty or possibly even inadequate on some level (even though it sounds like you know that the reality is that you are not), and then feel both unable to use the gift or to get rid of it.

How about you change that? You could just enjoy the gift for what it is and feel beautiful wearing it - looking glamorous in spite of your mother if you like (as she doesn't seem to expect you will wear it). That doesn't mean you need to change your normal style of course, just that you can do both your more natural style and your mother's (and are less narrow and restricted than her. That would certainly change the dynamic.

Alternatively you could sell or give away the stuff to someone who will be really grateful for it. If you are not feeling good about it, then why keep it? Again, that will mean a change.

I also wouldn't worry too much about expensive gifts for your baby. In my experience, having decided I would go for tasteful wooden toys for my pfbs, both my children greatly preferred cheap plastic tat, ideally with flashing lights and playing an annoying tune. Unless your mother provides a sea of brightly coloured plastic horror (just wait.. your house changes ), your baby is unlikely to be impressed.

The thing with gifts for the baby may be to try to buy the baby's favor off of you and on to herself-over the span of several years. Always the biggest Christmas presents, always more at birthday (than you give)always large "reward" gifts at acomplishments. My sister would ask me what I was getting my kids "so she wouldn't duplicate", but it was really so she could out spend me and be the "real" Santa. Kids are/can be materialistic and can be emotionally "bought" or manipulated in this way.

But I also agree with Monkey for very young kids. So many times mine preferred playing with the box a toy came in rather than the toy! (So my sister bought designer boxes from the craft/home decorator store.)

Completely agree re likelihood of mother deciding to be the bigger gift-giver - she has always done that. Goes completely over the top, draws attention to how much MORE she has done than anyone else, and gets mightily pissed off when the recipient's gratitude doesn't match her input and everyone else pays little attention* to her martyrdom...

*on the surface

At least we're restricted by suitcase space, and DS is highly likely to prefer boxes and plastic tat (and be encouraged to be vocal about his preference ) - rather than the pastel designer items with hand-embroidered grub roses/ solid silver rattles kind of stuff that my mother favours.

Sorting through the boxes I did put aside a few things that I might use occasionally though never in mother's presence - they are just things, after all, despite their origin.

Thanks everyone for helping me gain perspective on all this!

Parent - you are obviously a highly intelligent individual, you have had a successful career, now have a lovely DH and a baby on the way, as well as studying music as you have always wanted to. Your life sounds pretty perfect, so you owe it to yourself and your family to enjoy it!

I find it hard to see why your parents, who are distant and whom you have minimal contact with, are holding such influence over you. As the saying goes, you are 'a strong, independent woman'.

I believe that most people's actions and responses are governed by their own experiences and insecurities, and your mother clearly has loads of hang ups. She probably needs counselling herself to tackle some of these issues.

Try to see her as a flawed human being who is trying, and failing, to reach out to you. From what you say, she doesn't actually sound malicious, just someone who struggles socially on various levels, as a result of her personality defects.Try to feel sorry for her and understand why she is as she is and, in doing so, set yourself free.

What does your DH think you should do?

I think it's unfair to say the psychologist sounds shit, but she does sound primarily cognitive. Maybe a Transactional Analysis or Psychodynamic approach would be a better fit for this?

Mindfulness is still a great skill to learn though.