Married to firefighter, so lonely

[Evergreen17]

Hello
Just posting here for some kind words rather than advice I think but any will do.
My DH is a firefighter and he is mostly always on call.
I am pregnant and I long for weekends together doing fun things.
We had something planned today that I was really looking forward to.
His beeper went off and he didnt come back for 4 hours.
I was by then crying and in bed.
We live in the middle of nowhere and I dont drive yet.
When he came home he was all ok lets go now. But by then we had missed our reservation and for me the day was spoiled.
We argued and I said that I am fed up of being second to this job. He gets paid peanuts and I earn more.
It is not his fault that firefighter salaries are rubbish if you look at the commitment they take on.
But it is always like this. We can never do anything. This pregnancy has been lonely, sad, and I can see myself taking care of the house and baby on my own.
Sometimes I wonder if I should leave.
I left the house and he was sad I didnt want him coming with me. I am now sitting on the forest floor wondering what I am bringing this bubba into

Did you know he was a part-time firefighter before you married him and got pregnant?
IF you did, tbh you are sounding rather spoilt and I feel sorry for him coming home and then you leaving him on his own like that :0(

Is a retained FF the same as a voluntary one?

Are there no days at all when he doesn't have to respond to the beeper? He can't be on call 24/7, surely?

I know how you feel I have a partner in the emergency services. Sign up to NCT and other babies groups in your areas. This will give you a support network. It can be very frustrating when you are looking forward to something or you've been on your own all week and they have to stay on at work or get called in. I have learned to deal with this by filling up my time and making the most of the time together. Yes it can be lonely but you've got to get some things to do for yourself. It sounds like you still love your husband so hopefully you can work around this. If it's just his job and not him as a person then I think you can. Good luck with the birth and I hope everything works out for you.

You will meet lots of mums when you have a baby and before you know it you will be at this and that playgroup and baby group. There's a lot of potential support right there.

Speak to the midwife to see if you can do ante natal classes.

Can you Skype your friends more too? Or arrange some meet ups to give you something to look forward to?

Also - have you thought about grief counselling?

My DH is a workaholic and we have 2 with SN so I know it's hard coping solo at times, but you are probably stronger than you think you are.

Don't fret about the driving - you will pass eventually. Don't give up!

So your H is a retained firefighter who also has a full time job. RFFs are not required to be available 24/7/365, your H may be making himself too available for his fire duties. Is he trying to create a good impression with a view to being selected as a full time firefighter?
If your going to cope with a relationship with an emergency services worker you need to accept the shifts and disruption. I say that as someone who has lots of experience.

Hello :)

My husband is also a retained firefighter as well as having a full time other job. He started the firefighter job at the same time that I moved to his house in his home town, over three hours from my home. I did consider leaving. He was always gone, that beeper is a curse! Can't plan anything, can't go anywhere without booking precious time off. I knew nobody, it was very lonely.

Anyways, the good news! Adjusting to life as part time fire crew at the mercy of the beeper was much more difficult than adjusting to a baby. But we managed it and were much better prepared for all the nights in than "normal" new parents. And I've made more friends since baby was born than I ever did in the previous five years here. I made no long term friends despite my best efforts whereas by the time baby was two weeks old I was out at groups and breastfeeding groups, had new friends in similar situations within a few months. Babies are a great way to meet people and build a social network for the times husband bails for a fire call and you want to rant/visit someone.

Do you know any of the other fire partners? It can be useful to moan about it together!

You should definitely persevere with learning to drive if you can't rely on public transport, it'll make everything easier.

Penfold my husband is on call 24/7/365 unless he is caught at full time job and has to miss a call (not good as you have to attend 85% of calls) or unless he has booked the time off in advance and there are enough fire crew still available to cover the time off.

Sorry about your dad. It sounds like today you were really sad and wanted his support, and because of the job it wasn't forthcoming.

I don't have any amazing advice because this is a difficult situation, but have you thought of doing an automatic test? It's better to drive an automatic than no car at all, and you can always take the manual later.

I can see how if you have MH difficulties, or really if you just want a family life, then him being a retained firefighter is eating into that and not good for you as a family. I get it's good for society! Does he want to be a full-time firefighter? Is there a limit on how long he could do this for?

How are you feeling today OP?

Reading your posts, I think your main problem is your isolation and probably that you're exhausted too with the pregnancy and long commute into work. I'm worried your sense of isolation will increase significantly though once you're on maternity.
I know you find the driving thing tricky, but you CAN do it and you must - for your sanity after the baby arrives. Are you in the NCT and signed up for any of their pre- natal groups? It's so vital with a baby to be able to get out and about to groups and meet other mums in the same position as you. I've had 4 DC and I'm in the middle of London, but would have gone stir-crazy if it wasn't for friends, etc.
Start to focus on you and your own support network now. As PPs have said above, many people live with partners who are on call or work crazy hours. My DH runs his own companies, his phone is never off and he goes all round the world at the drop of a hat. This has been the case since we had DC1. In the nicest possible way, you just have to get on with it. If this is the nature of his job, then that's that.
I really don't mean to sound harsh but really, being a mum can be overwhelming and you must start reaching out to the support structures in your local area now. Keep going with the driving!

Foggymist thanks for the info, that's such a commitment from him and you!

My DH is retained firefighter too and as we are in rural area they also respond as first on scene for cardiac arrests etc if paramedics won't get there within required time scales.
The on call can be a giant pain! I have had to continue making g plans for me and the kids etc and still going out otherwise I think you can get resentful! However I drive so it's easier and my kids are older.
Our fire station is fairly sociable with young families and I often meet the other wives/gfs for glass of wine or to do something with the kids.
Hope it all works out for you OP

My husband is also a retained FF. Everything Evergreen says about rotas, cover, low pay, being constantly on call and covering for paramedics is true.

My husband was also on call 24/7 when we met. However, when our multiple children came along, this did have to change. The difficulty comes when you can't leave the child alone with them for more than a couple of minutes to pop to the shop in case a call comes in. They can't do the school run in case a call comes in. They can't take the child out on errands in case a call comes in. You have to stay within four minutes of the bloody station all weekend. The alerter goes off in the night and wakes the baby that you've spent hours getting to sleep.... and on it goes.

The solution we came to was for my husband to cut his hours. Despite what the brigade wants, and publicises, there are the means for them to offer contracts with less hours. My husband now has a 100-hour per week on call contract instead of a 120-hour contract (on top of his full time job, although he works locally for himself so can remain on call during working hours) and there are people on the station who only have 40 hour contracts.

Most brigades struggle (especially rurallly) to recruit retained firefighters, so if your husband tells them he can only offer 60 hours, they may well go for it as an alternative to him quitting. If they don't, then I would seriously tell him that he hours he is doing are going to be incompatible with having a young family. There's nothing wrong with that, even if he was a FF when you met. We all have to make compromises when we have children, and this may well be his.

TBH he would probably make more money picking up a few shifts in the local pub. My husband was on call for 400 hours last month, went to four drill nights and earned £270. The pay is seriously abominable, unless you're at a busy station (we're not. Lots of hours on call, very few actual call-outs)

Oh, and also, he refused to be a dual responder (covering for paramedics). The union backed this, and the others who refused, so I'm surprised your husband was forced into it. Is he in the FBU? They were a great help when my husband wanted to cut his hours and his boss was a compete bellend about it.

If it makes you feel better my OH is a ft FF who is on call with the retained on his time off
He does a 60 hr on call contract tho, so I'd second the person above who said would he look at coming down from the amount if of hours he's on?

Tbh I'm totally used to it now, 2 kids and when I am not at work they are just my responsibility when he's on call. It can be totally shit tho and massively limits what I can do eg trying to go out with friends or going to the gym is really difficult.
I'm not sure how I'd have coped when they were babies, he was only ft then.
Keep trying with the driving I passed at 7 mths pg after a few attempts!
But yes, I'm afraid you will have to accept doing some things alone.