AIBU honestly. Differing opinions on dealing with DS

[TBHhadEnough]

Ds is 10 and plays football most Sundays for his local team. DH takes him normally which I usually insist on for various reasons. DH doesn't really like taking him although he wouldn't admit it.

Today, I'm running behind on laundry and realise his kit apart from his top is not washed, sos I hand wash, spin and put in tumble drier. Around an hour before, I tell ds to look for his top and make sure everything is ready so there's no last minute faffing. It ususally descends into chaos with faffing at last minute. I'm busy doing house work and reminding ds to find his top.

With about 10-15 minutes to go, I tell him in no uncertain terms find your top. Of course he can't find it. I tell him to get dad and sort it out as I'm still doing house work. DH gets involved and I hear shouting upstairs. Dh tells me he's throwing clothes at him and can't find his top so as a punishment he needs to miss football. I tell him he can't let his team mates down and he'll need to go with another top, get last years top, it's very similar.

Thoughts on that First - Ladies - is that a reasonable response?

I'm getting fucking annoyed and he tells me that I should take him to football if that's the way I feel. I tell him to deal with his son and take him to football. He insists hat I take him but I say what about all the fucking housework? He says he will take our dd to her friends. Well that's a big job isn't it. Can your tell I'm getting fucking angry? I told him he cannot walk away from dealing with ds just because he's angry with him and expect me then to deal. I did accuse him of it being a convenient excuse to duck out of football. I was angry but that what it feels like.

We are currently in the midst of splitting up. Mainly because he opts out of family life because he can't cope. He has MH issues and smokes dope. He doesn't want to split up. He thinks I was being unreasonable and I lack responsibility and am soft with ds.

Thoughts please. Btw, I'm doing utmost to get this split over and done with.

I think you and DH fucked up your son's Sunday morning tbh.

I think you need to make DS (he is 10?) responsible for his kit being put in the wash basket after his match on a Sunday and checking it is in his room again on Saturday.

I think housework wasn't actually as urgent as finding his top, was it? Really?

I think DH needs to buck up and take his son to football

And you and DH need to stop using your child to get at each other.

Thank you Jen. I think you're right

I'm fed up of doing everything though, which is why I wanted DH to deal with him and his top. When I'm on my own with the kids I can't be let down, I'll just crack on myself.

We very, very rarely have arguments at all but it's just all got too much today. I feel burning resentment especially after he apparently is trying so hard to step up. Even though it doesn't matter to me anymore. It's over and he's finally coming to accept it I think. It's a shit situation

Am I using my ds to get to STBXH? I think I might be ham fisted at putting boundaries in place but I dint think I'm using ds. I will have a honest think about that

What is clear to me is that I have to crack on with the separation. Fucking up to me as always

I'm fed up of doing everything though, which is why I wanted DH to deal with him and his top.

I can see that. It's understandable but when it's a rush situation it's just the wrong time to be making a point. DS was caught up in the middle of it and DHs sulking with you actually punished DS.

Tbh as you are splitting up I would just cut DH out of the equation now. Plan to be doing everything. Plan to be taking DS to football yourself. Don't leave anything to DH and just crack on with the separation. I'm a lone parent BTW so I realise I may be making this sound easier than it is in reality because I've been doing it, but I think it's the only way. If you are resigned to separating then just get it done. Don't drag it out with blurred lines so nobody knows where they stand with DC being collateral damage.

I think it must be common place. My dh is similar (no mh issues or dope smoking) but I find he opts out if it doesn't suit him. Mostly around housework and sorting the kids and their education (spellings and reading at the weekend etc). I also find it easier when he's not here as I'm forced to do it myself but when he doesn't help I find myself being resentful.

I think you were doing one thing and your ex should have been sorting your son. It's not good enough to just leave you to sort it. He's also an adult.

Poor lad in the middle of all this.

Children need parents who are able to agree over discipline or at least back each other up in front of the child.

It is good you are splitting up - can't come soon enough by the sound of things.

Thanks.. I'm feeling shit and angry and grrrrrrr. Yes, I must stop expecting him to step up because he just lets me down. I hadn't thought about doing everything myself and expecting anything from him the twat. I also find it easier when he's not here, no expectations. I think that's the way to go.

Yesterday I spent the day taking the kids out and then STBXH was supposed to be taking them out for a pizza. He then declares he's over the limit and can I pick a pizza up if he orders it. That's when I started feeling really pissed off. I suppose I should use that anger to push me through this separation. It's like an affirmation of why I'm splitting from him.

All very familiar to me OP. I've been there. It's so much easier once he is gone. There is no doubt about who is doing what. It's all you. Yes it's a heavy burden at times but without a supportive partner you might as well be alone anyway.

Pretty rank you have left his top to fester a week in a sports bag or on the floor. My kids were always taught dirty washing in then asked and done it from age four it's not hard.

That's dirty washing in the washing basket

No the top was clean, I knew that (as stated), he just couldn't find it. it was the rest of the kit that was dirty. like I say, I was behind with the laundry and the rest of the kit was in the dirty linen. TBH, laundry is not the issue here but thanks for your input.

he's made comments about furniture and moving out so I think the penny is dropping. Can't come soon enough.

Oh I've been there OP, what a useless turd he is, opting out whenever effort is required.

Once he's gone you'll breathe a massive sigh of relief and your poor ds, while finding it hard will ultimately benefit from not having to live among the the tension and resentment.

YANBU. This is what divorce was invented for.

thanks Handy. Although it will be hard in a lot of ways, i'll be skipping on the inside

while he is supposed to do stuff for the dc and pull his weight, if he doesn't then you have to do that instead. this is completely shit and not at all fair, but the way it is. ex was an arse about soing his fair share. thing is the children would have suffered and sc would have been less than impressed if I had not picked up his slack.

stop doing laundry or anything else for your stbx. can he sleep in a spare room?

and children notice. dd made some interesting comments when still in KS1. She also knows which parent gets them places, and organises everything.

Kind of not the point, but did you speak to your son, give him a hug, did he get to football? Poor love!

Hope STBEXH leaves soon! I agree with pp, just start doing everything.