Me and my shitty attitude to DP's ex

[Shameandregret]

Been with DP for 6 months. Last night I ended what is, fundamentally, a brilliant relationship with a really amazing man.

The reasoning behind it (what I actually said is hazy because I was drunk) but basically DP's close relationship with his ex makes me feel shit. I feel inadequate and like I'm borrowing or stealing him from her. They were together for 14 years, no dc's and split up 4 years ago. She's absolutely lovely. Lives opposite him, they share care of their two dogs, see or speak/text each other daily, she still owns half the house that DP lives in and still attends his family functions. She wanted a child, DP didn't and he feels that he has held her back. She's late 30's now and they were together from 19. I can tell he still feels a huge sense of attachment and responsibility for her. He says he's only been in love twice, once with her and once with me.

Their relationship is excellent, that's a good thing and if I let her get close I'm sure we could be friends. But the crux of it is, I feel uneasy. I don't feel jealousy, just a chronic sense of inadequacy and feeling that I'm stopping their life together. I've been married, got 3 dc's, I have had the family life. They could have that and DP has said he regrets not having a child and would have one with me if he could (he can't as I can't have more children).

DP is insistent he doesn't want to be with her, he wants me but u can't shake the feeling I'm ruining their happiness and they belong together . Obviously I feel like shit. He got really upset when I ended it last night. I'm still here because he doesn't want me to go but I don't know what to say when he wakes up. It's my head causing this problem and it's easy to say I shouldn't feel like this but I do. Any advice? Please?

I think you did absolutely the right thing. It's not normal at all, shared pets, she can enter his house anytime without knocking and does so, owning half the house, seeing each other all the time, and still having sexual contact (at least until 9 months ago), going to the family xmas dinner and other family events ffs!! They're a couple in pretty much every sense, they're just doing it weirdly. No way in hell should you remain involved in this ridiculous nonsense. It has car crash written all over it.

I wonder if she knows he would now like a child, she will probably be childless now due to him and he would let her watch you have his baby. He's not a good person, that's callous.

As for lying in bed when she lets herself in with the dogs, that's beyond weird.

Frankly it doesn't sound like there is room for a new relationship in his life. She is occupying the space a partner should occupy (eg. attending family functions) and has the affection and attention he needs to
give to a partner if he is going to be in a relationship.

He can't give his all to a new relationship with anyone - it is not about you! There's something very unusual and imho very unhealthy about the attachment between him and his ex!

He's the idiot if he thinks he can sustain this and be a good partner to someone new.

Hold your head high - do this for yourself, this is you asserting healthy boundaries and choosing not to be involved with someone who is unable or unwilling to be there for you in the way you are for him.

Good luck! I hope you meet someone new and better soon who sees being there for you and meeting your needs as his priority and responsibility in a relationship because that's how it should be.

This relationship is not healthy and a lot of the boundaries are clearly blurred. They have no reason to be in contact with each oher the animals are a red herring, sharing custody of dogs is strange to me they aren't children.

The main red flags were 4 years and they still owe the house together, she lives across the road, comes into the house to drop the dogs off when your upstairs in bed, has post delivered there and they intimate shortly before you got together. The fact the family still inviting her to birthdays and Christmases suggests they expect some reconciliation.

I suspect two things either he got bored of being in such a long term relationship and wanted to experience meeting new people with an option to going back or hes having his cake and eating it and enjoying the attention of both women fawning over him.

I don't think him saying he would have children with you if he could is sincere, he knows you can't it would be interesting if he would say that if you could have more dc.

Personally I wouldn't pay second fiddle to no one even if they had a exdp with children which isn't the case here he is holding onto something. 6 months is nothing op I would check out of this relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if further down the line they end up together.

I wonder if she knows he would now like a child, she will probably be childless now due to him and he would let her watch you have his baby

But the OP has said that she can't have anymore kids, so has he said that because he knows there no chance of it being a reality?

In the meantime, his ex can't move on and maybe have a child with someone else because she's still involved in his life.

It sounds like he's playing you both OP.

Not wanting children was his excuse to end their relationship and supposedly wanting children, is the thing (shortcut) he says to demonstrate his commitment to you (which he never has to follow through on because he knows you can't).

This man is a fraud and you did the right thing, he's hedging his bets and crapping over two women to achieve it. Listening to your gut in this circumstance, spared you a whole lot of grief.

This is a very uncomfortable love triangle and I don't think you are being unreasonable either.
I know he is going to make you feel that you are because he does not want anything in his life to change. After 6 months you can't see any signs of things changing and that's fair enough. I can understand 2 single exes staying close for companionship but now he is dating things Should naturally evolve into something new, that focuses on your relationship.
I do wonder how she feels too. I imagine she feels utterly shitty and confused too. After all she wasn't really good enough for him either but he still wants her around? Children issue aside, 4 years later she doesn't have any which makes me wonder if she is hoping he will change his mind or whether he's got her on the sidelines until her childbearing years are over and she can return. She's being a fool too as she won't meet someone to start a family with if she is still so attached to him.

I think this man has a very nice set up and won't want things to change. He will make you feel like you are crazy because of course he is an amazing catch! Any woman would be so lucky! This isn't about her it's about his ego. Either he is too coward/lazy to tell her things must move on and he doesn't want to make things work or he stops dating other women and gets back with her - both clearly options he doesn't want to take, meanwhile poor you are in the middle of it all.

I agree with some many of the comments above. This man is using your pretty reasonable, given the circumstance, 'jealousy' to control you. He also has another woman he is not giving the space to move on in the back round half dancing the 'pick me' dance. Get out, something better is guaranteed to come along as this is not making you happy.

i am friends with ex. friends. the occasional whatapp to see how the other is or if they're watching a tv the other thought they might like, job openings in the company we both work for that might be appropriate for the other and if work or social engagements bring us together it isn't awkward and we can chat etc. when we first split we remained way too close, he had no where to go so would often turn up at mine in the middle of the night, i'd let him stay, we spoke every day, he ended up living in a house share with my (male) best friend, so saw each other a lot etc, then he got a job where i worked and i was his supervisor for a bit... it wasn't healthy and we both decided to put some distance between us. we spoke to management together who (after initially refusing) moved us both onto different teams and he stopped coming out with my best friends when i was there. with in 6-8 months we were kind of sorted. it seems your partner is stuck in that phase (caused by splitting up cos it's just not working rather than anyone doing anything to hurt the other) but is refusing to acknowledge that it's unhealthy and will prevent either of them for having healthy relationships moving forward.
even having been there i'd say move on OP, you don't need to be the third wheel in your own relationship

Think about it, what kind of man stays with a woman who wants children, knowing that he doesn't want them with her. Can you imagine how she'd feel knowing that he's telling his gf of six months that he would have children with her if he could, she would be devastated. Her 'friendship' with him is based on her not knowing what a selfish arse he really is.

At best he's a liar and at worst, he's callous.

He said I'm an idiot for throwing away a good relationship because he has an ex in his life who he has to have a relationship with.

Why? Why does he have to have a relationship with her? He doesn't does he? He was sleeping with her up until just before he met you (at least) and they still have daily contact because he/they want to. not because he has to.

I would run a mile from this.

You deserve better than feeling second best. Just move on with your head held high.

I think you need to listen to yourself, respect your instinct as boundaries are blurred for you.

I agree that his attitude seems off.Just because he treats you better than previous ex doesn't mean it's right.

Are your feelings being validated?

Your attitude is not "shitty" at all.

Especially not towards her.

Your feelings are about yourself and your boundaries abd the kind if relationship you want.

And he has calked you an idiot for expressing them.

This whole arrangement says nothing good about this man at all.

Okay so we had a long talk. I walked. Back to the much less tumultuous and head fucking single life.

Thanks for the advice everyone. Gutted and feeling really sad. It was such a shame he didn't sort this over involvement out before getting started with me. I still think he's a good person but he definitely has some deep rooted commitment issues and insecurities. Having a harem of exes (there was another ex who was his 'friend' on the scene at the start of our relationship but I put my foot down about that one because she said I had a personality disorder without even meeting me) is definitely an ego boost for him. It ties in with his 'good guy' self perception. I definitely will NOT be joining the harem.

I think it's really good that you saw it now before you had any ties finances but I know it must be hurting.

It sounds like you made a good decision for you. He sounds like Simon bloody Cowell! And some women are ok with it and some aren't and it's totally ok to not want this.

I wish you the best of luck.

I wouldn't be happy about that either, op. I think you did the right thing. My dh has female friends, some close, but they have never been in a relationship. TotallTotally changes it

Good for you OP.

You deserve better

Oh sorry about that OP.

I think it is for the best though. I am all for retaining good relationships after a breakup, but living across the road, sharing pets, coming into the house while you are both in bed, and her attending his family events?

Hell no.

Oh love, I'm sorry you're hurting, but it would only have got worse.
You've got your lovely children, and you just can't afford to be played that way. It won't be long before you meet someone, where you are both each other's No.1. 🌺

Good for you! You've let go of a clearly Mr Wrong and now there's space in your life for a Mr Right... If you've had a history of abusive relationships, it's no small thing to put your foot down and assert your boundaries... You've just taken a massive step down the road of healthier and happier relationships. Good luck!

Hope you're doing OK, OP xx