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Original poster

"Back For Tea"

16 replies

bananasmoothie · 08/02/2007 16:37

I suffer from social anxiety and I hate getting visitors to my house and I'm much happier left alone..I know how miserable that sounds but it's just me.

Does anyone else hate the whole "can * come over for tea?" phrase? I have let a couple of my sons friends come over in the past but they've always been bad behaved and I've always been left with a thumping headache by the time they've gone from the stress. How can I get through to my son that I don't want people coming back "for tea" or is it mean to deny him of this? I don't mind taking him to after school clubs etc to meet up with his friends but why the "come back for tea" thing?? it really winds me up.

Another thing, I'm a single parent so at home there is only me and my 2 boys, one of which hardly eats anything...so I take something out of the freezer to eat on the night time (as in meat) and then on the way out of school I'm asked "oh, can I go to ***'s for tea?" and the kids mum is stood waiting for a reply...is it mean to say no? if he goes this means that whatever I've taken out for tea will be wasted and it also means I have to faff about dragging my 5 year old out at 7pm to pick him up which usually involves a long walk through a dodgy area in the dark...

Am I being miserable? is it important that they do the "back for tea" thing and if there is anyone out there like me...how do you get out of it?

My son asked me again tonight if he could go to a friends house, I am friendly with his mum so it was very awkward trying to explain that I'd already made our tea and didn't want it wasted etc not to mention the fact that I didn' want to trapse out again at 7pm in the freezing cold...how do I stop all this before his friends parents think I have something against them?

OP posts:

DetentionGrrrl · 08/02/2007 17:11

on the way out of school is late notice- i used to ask maybe a few days before if i could go. I'd just say 'sorry but no, it's short notice and i've already cooked, maybe if you ask in advance next time, you could go then'

Nothing wrong with that.

3littlefrogs · 08/02/2007 17:24

Why not just be honest about the worry about the late walk to collect? I agree, summer evenings are much easier in this respect. I have lost count of the number of times I have dropped a little visitor home, because it was easy for me to do, but very difficult for the visitor's mum. I do think it is important for children to do this tea time visit thing occasionally - it is a part of socialising, and growing up, but it is perfectly acceptable to explain that you need to plan ahead. You could also explain that evenings are not good - as do many working mums for example, and maybe invite a friend on a saturday morning, or sunday afternoon. I am sorry you find it so difficult. I used to find mine were much easier when they had a friend to play. Maybe you have just been unlucky.

sazzybee · 08/02/2007 17:31

It's usual to give notice as far as I know - so that you (and they) can plan ahead.

7pm seems late to me to do pick - most afterschool stuff ends around 6pm here. Could you do that maybe? At least it doesn't go on as long.

And if your kid is going to see someone who isn't a single mum, perhaps you could ask the mum to drop yours back, especially in winter.

1sue1 · 08/02/2007 18:13

Easy, take them to Burger King or such like. I'm on my own too, and know money's short but I'd rather pay out than have them back here to be honest.

frumpygrumpy · 08/02/2007 18:24

I don't find the social thing easy either and I too am quite happy alone.......but its got easier as I've gotten older.

I would set a day he can invite someone over and then he knows and you know. Likewise with him going to someones house.

sleepfinder · 08/02/2007 18:27

You need to be more flexible and sociable. You're only thinking of your own need to be alone (though I know it can't be easy for you being a single mum).

To answer your question I think you know you're being miserable adn that you owe it to your boys to be sociable. What kind of example are you setting? Are you trying to cultivate hermits?

I know this sounds harsh and I'm sorry about that. I feel quite strongly that we have social obligations which are beyond ourselves, to our family and our community at large.

mousiemousie · 08/02/2007 18:53

Don't beat yourself up about this. I never do play dates wihout a few days notice. If you want to ask a friend at the weekend rather than on a week day after school that is fine. Parents who work often have constraints like this anyway.

I would go for inviting 1 play date a month for each child (preferably both at the same time) and letting your sons go back if asked in return.

Then if it goes well and you want to up the frequency you can. Or not!

tomal · 08/02/2007 19:01

It must be hard for you doing all this "back for tea" stuff with social anxiety. My husband suffers from this and if it was up to him our dcs would never have anyone home or go to anyone elses house. Luckily I'm comfortable with it all so I just send him to another part of the house!This isn't a solution for you obviously but just wanted to let you know that I understood. It's great that you do have playdates, but maybe, as someone else said, you could just make them a bit shorter and finish at 6pm.

tomal · 08/02/2007 19:02

Sorry!!

deaconblue · 08/02/2007 21:14

DH's mum never invited other children to play or on family outings, he never had a birthday party and is quite bitter about it now. He was hardly ever invited to parties/social things because he didn't invite anyone to his house. He was very shy as a child and puts it down to his parents lack of social skills and lack of interest in offering opportunities for him and his sister to socialise. It must be really hard if you feel nervous about having people over, but it will be of real benefit to your children IMO

deaconblue · 08/02/2007 21:16

I do, however, agree that there's nothing wrong with turning down something really short notice. Could you try responding with an invitation for a time convenient to you?

inanidealworld · 09/02/2007 10:01

Sorry I think you're being miserable. My mum was a bit like you and it was always 'too much' to have people round. In the end people stopped asking me over as well.
You don't have to do it every week just say maybe once a month or every fortnight on a day that suits you and you can prepare for. As for your boys going round to their friends, let them. You can always cook the food anyway and keep it for the following day. They will grow up so fast anyway that these early experiences of socialising are important. Also if they are at a friends' house at least you know they are safe.
Hope I've not been too hard.

Hulababy · 09/02/2007 10:05

I posted on your other thread in Parenting.

I think you are not unreasonable to not want to do it with no notice. I wouldn't either - and DD regularly has friends over and goes to her friend's houses after school - at least 1 or 2 times a week. But only with at least a day's notice.

I think 7pm is too late for them to stop out on a school day - here it is between 6-6:30pm. That is late enough as once they get home you have to start the reading homework, getting ready for bed, bedtime routine, etc.

Hulababy · 09/02/2007 10:07

I agree with others - just say not this time, and then suggest another day which is more suitable.

OrmIrian · 09/02/2007 10:30

Ask for more notice. Always give at least 2 days notice when you invite other children for tea. If you explain the situation with regard to not wanting to walk anywhere in the dark, the other parents may well offer to pick up/drop off at the end of the afternoon. I do that - one of DD's best mates of the moment has no dad around and mum doesn't drive so I've always taken the little girl home or picked DD up.

As for whether you have to do it...well of course you don't have to but I'm afraid that your DC will feel that he has missed out. It really isn't that much hassle honestly . I find that once the children are home from school they entertain themselves and I hardly see them until it,s time for tea. Food should be unchallenging - not the time to try out your millet and courgette risotto recipe for example

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