DP not happy with our sex life

[happymumof4crazykids]

Been with my DP 5 years we have 2 children together and I have 2 from my previous marriage. The kids are 12,10,2 and 1. We have always had an active sex life even during pregnancy. He works away all week and is only home 2/3 nights a week. We have sex most nights when he's home only doesn't happen if the kids are ill/awake /not settling and he has to be in bed early as he starts work really early (up at 3am first day back) We have normal sex and I dress up/ do role play we use toys etc but not all the time. Well more and more he wants me to dress up for him and have kinky sex. I really don't want to. It's fine as an occasional thing but it feels like way more effort than I want to do to do it all the time. I'm exhausted from having a baby that wakes 5/6 times a night every night and is regularly awake for a couple of hours in the middle of the night. I just want normal love making not a 3 hr sex role play session.
It all came to a head this week he ordered me an egg, a police dress up thing and a baby doll ( I already have loads of stuff) then got really shitty when I came down after getting the kids to bed and having a bath in my pjs. I was knackered after only having 2 hrs sleep the night before being up with the baby, and having been having sex with him. All I wanted was a cuddle watch some crappy tv and to go to bed and make love before going to sleep. Not dress up and have some long bloody session just because he bought me stuff I didn't even want. It's not like I just lie there and do nothing I enjoy sex and take an active role in both foreplay and sex but apparently that's not enough for him. I really think it's because he's watching porn all week while away and is now having some very unrealistic ideas what a healthy sex life is like. We have rowed non stop for the last 2 days now and I really don't know if I can live like this. Am I being unfair or is it really up to me to go to a shit load of effort for him when I get very little out of it?

Just tell him how you feel, you enjoy the occasional kinky session but you miss him and the intimacy that comes from cuddling and vanilla sex. The pressure he's putting on you is extremely unreasonable and he's not acting like a loving husband he's acting like you are a sex doll

Why does he want to have sex with his life partner, who he loves and cherishes, in a way said woman doesn't enjoy?

Why does he think he is more important than you?

He is U and selfish.
OP I honestly don't know how you cope. On that little sleep, I wouldn't be having sex at all!
Has he asked you what you want? Or is it all about his needs?

We've had a long talk tonight and managed to understand each other better. He thought that I would be happy as we have done these things through out our relationship and felt unappreciated as he had spent a lot of money and was looking forward to using what he had bought. ( in fairness he has bought me things before and I have happily used them)
He's admitted he's been a complete pig and he was out of order. He knows how tired I am and was just being a bit of a jerk ( not usual believe me) He said that 99% of the time vanilla sex is fine but sometimes he wants more and that we only have that when I want to. Sometimes he would like it to be when he wants to. He accepts that is the way it is and it is only going to happen when I want to not just because he wants what he wants and that I won't be pressured into doing things just because he wants to and that he needs to be aware that sometimes I will sometimes I won't.
He is good at home helps with housework, happily entertains the kids and does get up with me when our youngest won't sleep ( never instead of always with ) he is kind, hardworking and just feels we are in a bit of a rut. We rarely go out as a couple and that is affecting us a bit I think. I feel better now and hope going forward things will be easier with us. Bit of shock as we have never fallen out like this before and I did feel like I just wasn't what he wanted. He has reassured me I am what he wants and if I never dressed up again or did anything sexual with him he would still love and want me as I am the love of his life.

I bet you feel like there's a huge weight off your mind. Communication is key, hope you have a lovely night x

"He said that 99% of the time vanilla sex is fine but sometimes he wants more"

He's not acting like it's fine 99% of the time, though.

"that we only have that when I want to. Sometimes he would like it to be when he wants to. ""

TAke care, op.
That's because you are the one dressing up etc.

If it was fine 99% of the time why do your posts read as though you have put up with his attitude/wants for a while?

Big turn around.

Why do people find it hard to believe that two adults were able to talk and sort things out? He fully admits he's been over the top I fully admit I haven't made as much effort as I have in the past! We have said that we are moving on no pressure on me and he's happy to just be together. I posted on here as I felt I needed to vent. I am not being abused and used as some people seem to think. I having a partner who is loving, kind generous and fantastic with all the children. This was first major falling out and hopefully this won't be an issue for us ever again.

Good luck, op. MN is here if things improve then slide again,

Why doesn't he ever get up with your youngest "instead of"?

I don't believe for a moment this chat will solve all your problems with him at all.

If a partner of mine ever bought a police outfit and a sex toy with the presumption I'd use them for his benefit, I'd throw them at his bloody head. Gives me the shivers just thinking about it - and not the good kind! Horrible behaviour. You're not a piece of meat put solely on this earth to please him, OP.

He crossed a huge line imo, but I'm glad you've been able to sort things out.

Don't worry OP your username "happymum" tells the story. You clearly have shared likes you just got overwhelmed, no bloody wonder with 4 kids and I think you must be superwoman as there's no way I could cope! You sound happy, carry on enjoying your relationship now you have sorted things out x

Well, I'm glad you were able to talk it through.

How pathetic that he couldn't talk it through instead of making you feel so shitty because he sulked when you weren't up for it that you ended up posted on here.

Just out of interest - these 3 hour role play and dressing up sessions - how much effort do you have to put in, vs him? I ask because I've had boyfriends in the past who love dresssing up (lingerie or costumes) and role play... but funnily enough it's me they want to wear stuff, and me that was expected to carry out the role play, keep the 'story' going. Which is hard work!

Cabrina as you said it's me that dresses up and takes the lead in role play and when we talked I pointed out to him that he expected me to put all the effort into that while he himself doesn't. He admitted he had never thought of it being that way and can see he was being a selfish fucker! It's not like I don't enjoy doing it but believe me he is now under no illusion that I will not be doing it just because he wants to and that if he wants role play/ dress up scenarios maybe he should should step up and have a go!

Sorry cabrinha

Do you genuinely enjoy dressing up and role play?

I am glad you talked it through but wondering about the part about it's always been when you want and not when he wants. Did he not want it then or rather has it been when you both wanted to? Makes a big difference IMO.

He's incredibly fortunate to be getting the amount of sex that he is, given that you have 4 children, 2 of whom are still young, and you are still getting up with the baby at night.

I have a high sex drive, the kids have left home, and I wouldn't want all of this pressure of dressing up and 3 hour sessions. It's waaaay too much.

I do enjoy it when I'm in the mood for it it, he may suggest it or I might just do it and suppose and as I said it would as just me venting that he seemed to be suggesting more often than before which is probably due to the fact I haven't been doing it off my own back much lately. I have a high sex drive and so does he and up until lately we were pretty much well matched I've just been much more tired lately since the baby has been doing this I'm awake in the middle of the night thing and just haven't had the energy or desire for it.

Mnhq I'm pretty sure flabulous's post didn't break talk guidelines. Are you sure that deleting was the right decision?

I didn't see what they wrote why was it deleted?

They wrote something along the lines that your husband is treating you like a sex toy. It was more crudely worded than that but didn't break guidelines.