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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

advice please

18 replies

auserbyanyothername · 15/10/2016 19:17

I have been with my wife for about 18 years, since we were both teenagers. Married for 2 years now, and with a 15 month old daughter.

I love my wife greatly, but things have been difficult lately, and not just since we had a daughter. The biggest upset I have is that I don't feel like I get enough attention from her, and I don't know how to fix it. Our sex life is a bit hit and miss - sometimes it'll be every day, sometimes we can go for a week without. But even when we do, I don't feel like I get anything from her, and she doesn't seem to want to put any effort into it. I have tried everythingI can think of to try and change this - I have tried talking to her about it, but she just says she'll try harder and never actually does. I have tried giving her everything she likes - lots of kisses and cuddles - but I still don't get any of the attention I like back in return. I feel like I am getting nothing out of this side of the relationship at all, even though I am putting everything I can into it.

When it comes to sex, sorry to be blunt, but it can be bit boring. I have asked if we can try new things, but normally I just get told no. I can understand that not everyone wants to do everything, but she doesn't want to do anything.

It's getting to the stage where I can't cope with the lying anymore - saying she will put more effort in, but then nothing actually changing. She never listens to me - I'm always having to repeat myself, or she just ignores what I have said completely. I am hoping someone has some advice, as I do love her very much, but I don't know what to do to make her understand how I feel and how important it is to me.

OP posts:

NickiFury · 15/10/2016 19:22

You sound like a whiny, self obsessed, selfish bore. I wouldn't pay you any attention either.

Original poster

auserbyanyothername · 15/10/2016 20:15

Excuse me? How exactly am I self obsessed? I am giving her everything she could ever want and getting nothing back. Surely she is the selfish one in this instance.

OP posts:

urbandictictionary123 · 15/10/2016 20:18

Has she always been like this, or just since having children?

Gymnopedies · 15/10/2016 20:19

Have you tried doing the housework and taking care of baby so she has some free time?

Original poster

auserbyanyothername · 15/10/2016 20:21

Pretty much always, although it has gotten worse since we had a child - but I did realise it would, and I do understand that. Whenever we argue about it, it'l get better for a few days, but then she stops putting any effort in until I get upset about it again.

OP posts:

Original poster

auserbyanyothername · 15/10/2016 20:23

I do help with the housework - we both work full time, so we try to split stuff. And I do take care of my daughter when I can, but she is still bf so I can't always help with the night stuff (I try, but if the baby wants boob I'm all out of luck). I suggested she should try weaning her so I could help more, but she doesn't seem to be trying to do it.

OP posts:

Myusernameismyusername · 15/10/2016 20:25

I think the PP was a bit harsh but I kind of get them sentiment of that you could be veering into nagging territory and it's offputting for her.

Saying that, this doesn't sound good that she is very disinterested in even affection.

Is she ok? Has she been unwell, stressed? How has she found it being a mother?
I think sometimes as a mum you can feel what is called 'touched out' where you have been clambered all over all day and just exhausted. It sounds like she could be simply bloody tired and finding it hard to spread her affections. It doesn't mean she is lying to you but she's finding it hard to make this a priority.

I would imagine that the rejection is getting to you but I wonder if you could help out in practical terms and help her in other areas to take some of her stress and try to take the focus off of what you want. Because you are coming across as quite needy for affection (rightly or wrongly) I just wonder if you are taking the right approaches and have the right intentions here - your needs. What are her needs? Maybe something else is missing?
Do you take her out? Do you talk properly about subjects other than kids/work/house/money? Do you have fun?

Myusernameismyusername · 15/10/2016 20:27

Ok I see you say she is BF. I think things may improve once she stops, because I empathise that BF can really make you feel less like affection when you are also knackered

urbandictictionary123 · 15/10/2016 20:28

Ive just posted a thread about me and oh splitting....but before we did split, we had a convo in bed this morning, as he was upset that I didn't give him attention....I admitted that I didn't, I use to be lovey dovry toward him, but he was never the same...he said he wasn't a lovey dovey person....so I stopped. Since then I found a few things out and my trust was shattered, but I carried on with the relationship because the things he had done were in his past. I did love him, still do but I just didn't feel confident enough to initiate things...sex...cuddling///kissing, ect. It was nothing to do with him.

Gymnopedies · 15/10/2016 20:37

Breastfeeding is in your daughter's interest, I don't think weaning prematurely so you can have more attention is reasonable.
Give your wife some time, she is doing something wonderful for your daughter from which your daughter will benefit all her life (health benefits and the nurturing).
You are responsible for your own happiness. This happiness doesn't come from your wife's attention but from the love you have for her and your daughter.

Myusernameismyusername · 15/10/2016 20:42

Yes I don't think pressuring her to stop BF is going to do you any favours either

You need to take a step back and really look at what you are expecting vs what is reasonable in the circumstances

eddielizzard · 15/10/2016 20:43

well i don't know you or your dw (obvs) but i can very well remember the exhaustion of a bf baby. you feel constantly mauled and exhausted. i felt like i was pawed all day long i couldn't bear being touched when i was trying to relax. i agree that when she stops bf things do get better.

since you say things weren't that much better before the baby what makes you think the situation will miraculously improve when there is less sleep and more stress?

i'd suggest making some time for the both of you to have time off. can you get a babysitter in? and don't try to make it about sex as there's nothing more off-putting than unwanted advances. patience really is the key here.

Original poster

auserbyanyothername · 15/10/2016 20:46

Thank you for your comments.

I do take her out, and I like to think she has fun when we go. It's not that she's disinterested in affection - I'm not a cuddly/kissy type of person, but I do try to do more of it for her as I know she enjoys it. It's that I don't get any of the sort of attention I like in return. I try to help out in as many ways as I can to make things easier.

I've only been encouraging her to wean so that I can do night feeds to help with sleeping, and so we can go out more in the evenings without constantly worrying about having to go home if the baby wakes up. I think she'll be less stressed and definitely less tired that way.

OP posts:

midlifehope · 15/10/2016 20:52

she is BF - her libido will be zero and she's working full time- give her some space FFS.

Liara · 15/10/2016 20:52

You keep talking about 'the kind of attention I want'. But you have sex very regularly (once a week is regularly, btw).

So you probably mean something other than PIV sex. My guess is either bjs or anal.

I think you just have to accept she is just not into that. Many women aren't. It won't kill you to go without.

Myusernameismyusername · 15/10/2016 20:57

You mean the attention you like is of a sexual nature?
She only had a baby 15 months ago, has boobs full of milk and her body has changed. Everything has changed and it will take time for her to feel more like she used to.

NickiFury · 15/10/2016 21:08

Yes exactly what attention are you after? Do tell.

I have tried giving her everything she likes - lots of kisses and cuddles - but I still don't get any of the attention I like back in return. I feel like I am getting nothing out of this side of the relationship at all, even though I am putting everything I can into it.

You say you're giving her everything she ever wanted, like what? Are kisses and cuddles everything she's ever wanted then? I bet she wishes you'd just leave her alone to be honest and allow things to take their natural course rather than your intensive kissing and cuddling regime that actually means "Do What I Want Sexually!"

TheStoic · 15/10/2016 22:30

She's not 'lying' when she says she will try to give you what you want, but fails to live up to your expectations.

She tries, then LIFE gets in the way. She has different priorities than you do right now.

You can either make it about you: she's lying to you, you give her everything she needs, you choose things to do that you think will make her less tired etc etc.... Or you could ASK HER how she's feeling and actually listen to her.

This is a stage in your family life. Are you mature enough to weather it?

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