Lying about smoking.

[everythingis]

I gave dp an ultimatum that he could not move in with my kids and I unless he stopped smoking. He knew this was a deal breaker. He stopped smoking. That was a year ago. In between now and then I have found evidence (maybe anyway) that he has been smoking. The first time I found tobacco and papers in his work van - he said they were underneath other stuff when he emptied it and simply handed them to me and asked me to bin them which I did. There was nothing for months after that. Then I found 3 fag buts in the bin in the garage when I was emptying it - similar unconcerned response. To be fair he could have done a much better job hiding them if he needed to.
Sometimes he comes back from work and I'm sure he smells of smoke but he works with various heavy machines. I can't be 100% sure. He always denies smoking.
This week a colleague told me she saw him at the weekend in x town. He was there working. She said oh I waved but he didn't see me he was rolling a cigarette. Dp response was 'how could she have seen me I was on a building site all day with off road parking and if I was driving then I am way up in the van and she's down in an Audi saloon car how could she see that?' I have a vague notion in hindsight that she knows I asked him to stop smoking.

Sorry for the essay. Dp is going through a brutally stressful experience at the moment. I can forgive the odd cigarette it's the lying. I can't help feeling if he can lie that easily about this then what else is he lying about. Or can it be lying exclusively about smoking?

Stick to your guns if it's a deal breaker for you. If it's not then talk to him and explain your thoughts about it all now.

Youve been upfront from the start. He had the choice to walk away, as did you but if he's smoking he's taking your choice away from you.

Im very at those who see fit to try to persuade you out of your deal breaker TBH. I can't abide liars either, it matters here nor there if we agree with your boundaries or not.

Unless you have been a smoker and gone through quitting yourself, you will never know how hard it is to quit smoking.

He could have agreed to quit smoking so he could have a relationship with you and move in with you, but not banked on how hard quitting is, and started again. Especially if he is going a stressful time. So having a relapse is understandable.

I smoked quite heavily since I was 16 and I made a promise to myself and my DH that I would quit. I tried quitting but I had a few false starts. I would walk the dog at night and come back smelling of perfume and mints! I think my DH knew I had started again but never said anything and left me to it. I finally quit in 2009 but my god it's the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I couldn't have done it without the support of my family.

Why can't you be more supportive instead of laying down the law? If he has the odd one in the garden what is the big deal in that?

I appreciate everyone's supportive responses. I thought the lying would make the majority much harder on him.
I don't want him smoking in the garden because I don't want the kids to see an adult they trust smoking. It's not an option.

Andie - I think you have summed up what's going on re how hard it is but I am trying to be supportive. I refuse to support being lied to - that removes my choice too

This
I admit I am concerned if he comes clean it will progress to him smoking in the garden at home or similar and I'm not tolerating that

My ex was a smoker and "gave up" loads of times. Each time he gave up of course he started again and would smoke sneakily. I knew it and didn't confront him because as soon as I did, or as soon as he realised I knew, we would then be back with him smoking in the house/bedroom/car again.

I was always amazed that he thought I could be fooled as he stank of fags.

It isn't why he is an ex, but I could never live with a smoker again.

I was a secret smoker for years. The only person that didn't know I was smoking was my dh. When he asked me if I was smoking I would deny it, why? Because I couldn't deal with an argument and me feeling really bad about it because I knew he didn't like it. Every now and then he would 'catch' me smoking and I would say it was due to work stress.

I did finally give up smoking but it was my choice to do so.

Think you should sit down and have a word with him and explain how you feel. That the fact he is lying to you is upsetting you the most. It does sound like he is scared of losing you though.

Hopefully he will come clean and you can work through a plan of what will work for the both of you whilst still keeping with the living arrangements.

Why not get a copy of Allan Carr Easy way to give up smoking & leave it by his side of the bed. Don't say anything, so he knows you haven't accepted it, but even if he has already stopped smoking, he will still benefit from it.
The lying issue, well, he may not have been smoking prior & the rolly may have been the first one. If he was full on smoking you would definitely smell it on him.

Sometimes I think I'm imagining it. It's very faint and only up close. I can't see he does anything to mask it as he gets home from work filthy - def no deodorant or mints or anything.

But can't you tell when you kiss him? Wouldn't it be like kissing an ash tray?

Like I said it's very faint. Wouldn't surprise me if he was doing it earlier in the day rather than before he comes home or maybe he isn't and it's me!

Me & my OH smoked for years then we quit.
I can tell he's smoking on the sly but rather than be like you and be pissed off I see it as- as long as it's not at home and in front of me and the kids then fine. So I don't let on that I know. Because if he knows I know he will start smoking all the time.
And unlike you I understand how god damn addictive smoking is. It's very hard to give up and stay given up.
Especially if you have a stressful job or work with smokers.

Cut the poor bloke some slack

I'm so on the fence because I am an ex smoker and now vape (which I love) and was forced to stop with a threat from a family member that I would not be welcome around my only niece/nephew if I did not stop. They would interrogate my kids about whether I had been smokingx Ex dp also nagged me so much I went into secret hiding smoking status which was quite stressful.

I stopped but I now dislike the person and the ultimatum I was given for the sense that I had no intention of endangering their child but was made to feel awful about it. It's a very addictive habit and I have never told a lie about anything else in my life except for smoking and at times have felt quite ashamed at the smoking related things I have done in the past (pinching money from the kids for fags, which I did replace, telling fibs at work to go out and smoke) or going out of my way to smoke very very secretly. The worse the shame was the more I would smoke so ultimatums can be very counter productive in the psychological sense, because negative feelings are EXACTLY what feeds the need to ingest nicotine, it's a really horrible cycle.

What really helped me stop smoking was a health reason. And I needed to have a scary experience to force me to realise I had to stop.

I'm not saying you are wrong but maybe you need new methods here.
I agree that it's ok for it to be a deal breaker and lying is not ok. I just think it's not ideal to throw away an otherwise good relationship through nagging, threats and lies. You either have to walk away or accept it. There isn't a magic middle ground answer I'm afraid

You could buy him a really nice vape stick and ask him to try it. I prefer it hugely. It's cheaper and doesn't smell

There's nothing to nag about - as far as I'm allowed to know he quit a year ago!
He triedvthe vape it didn't work for him

Feel sorry for this guy. If he is addicted to smoking and refrains from doing it for long periods for fear of upsetting you, then he is in the agony of withdrawal for a lot of the time!

Having the odd cigarette or roll up just isn't really sustainable when you are addicted. You will be feeling agitated and dying to get away to get a fix of nicotine.

Maybe you should find a non smoker if it is a deal breaker for you?