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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

sort of AIBU or is he..

22 replies

leopardchanges · 15/10/2016 14:20

but I'm too chicken to post there!

So, DH and I live in Europe and are driving to his hometown tomorrow. It's 10 hours away, I don't drive (about to learn!) and he loves long road trips - always has. We have a 3 and 5 year old.

DH wants to leave at 3am to get there for lunch. I don't. I have PTSD which means I've been having disturbed sleep (nightmares) for months and have just in this past week had a few full nights sleep in a row . I am DESPERATE to sleep a full night, either trying in the car, or in bed. I know there's less chance in the car, but the thought of getting fully up at 2.30am, in the cold, makes me want to cry. Even if we get everything ready, we can't just jump out of bed and into the car because there are still last min things that have to be done before leaving - cat and security related - that can't all be done the night before (or would be!).

I have suggested leaving around midnight, or 7am.

DH has said no to both and that's that. Am I being silly to be upset that he's not willing to budge on this? I get that I'm not the driver (yet), but does that mean I get no say at all?

And should add that a) neither of us get a good sleep at his parents' because the spare bed is crap! So I know it'll be another week before I get a chance of an uninterrupted night..hopefully. and b) if we left earlier he'd go to bed earlier so actually have the same amount of sleep as if we leave at 3am. It's purely that he wants to drive at 3am to arrive around lunch. No other reason!

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2016 14:53

It sounds like you have not much say in this relationship at all to be honest with you.

Is this really representative of what is happening in your relationship i.e. he makes all the decisions here.

I think I'd be now telling him that he can stay and eat lunch at his parents on his own. He is not thinking about any of you here; just his stomach. You are lesser beings to him, this is why he is acting like this.

Are you actually driving from one EU country into another; why is this journey 10 hours long?. Would it not be better to actually fly to their nearest airport or take the train instead?.

And who drives for 10 hours straight anyway; he will not doubt be tired if he leaves at 3.00am as well and tiredness can cause accidents. He cannot as yet share the driving with you either.

Original poster

leopardchanges · 15/10/2016 15:03

Well, yes, Attila, that's kind of why I'm asking - I'm not sure sometimes whether I'm being reasonable or not, because he can be quite unbudgable. I think he may be on the high functioning end of ASD, but I'm not ready to deal with that yet (and not suggesting everybody on the ASD is like this, but he has other traits both good and bad that fit). After years of this though, it makes me question myself.

We are in another EU country and sadly, if we took the plane it would be almost the same time by the time we'd hired a car and then driven into the countryside. I think it saves an hour! And the train takes 10 hours too, with three changes. At least with the car the DC travel well and are strapped to their seats.

We will make a stop for breakfast. He's got it planned - somewhere the kids can run around too.

And yes, it is representative..I think..but he would disagree!

OP posts:

Gymnopedies · 15/10/2016 15:04

He is BU. Sleep is important, especially when you have young children to take care of and even more bc you have a condition that means you have trouble sleeping. He is being very selfish.

MyKingdomForBrie · 15/10/2016 15:05

Could you leave the evening before and stay at a hotel half way so still arrive for lunch?

Original poster

leopardchanges · 15/10/2016 15:08

Hotel is a good idea. Will suggest - or just book it! - next time. Doesn't work now or we'd have to have already left or be nearly leaving and i haven't started packing!

OP posts:

Lweji · 15/10/2016 15:09

There are too many bad accidents caused by drivers who don't have enough sleep.
I'd rather start the day before and sleep on the way, or travel during the day after a good night's sleep.

You could enjoy a two day trip with some sightseeing and relaxing times with the children. They won't appreciate a 10 hour journey, even if they are asleep for most of it.

Peach9876 · 15/10/2016 15:15

If DP can get enough sleep before hand setting off earlier sounds like a better idea. At midnight the kids will still be tired and will hopefully sleep most of the way their. You could always encourage it as a longer stop for breakfast, or what if you hit some bad traffic or the kids take it in turns to wake up and need a drink, start crying, need the toilet etc and you have to stop.
Has he taken these variables into account. Getting their earlier might appeal to his desire to eat lunch with family. You can always make extra stops, you can't make less with children involved.

mum11970 · 15/10/2016 15:19

Both my dh and I drive and have done some long journeys when the kids were young. I would say the driver has the last say over what time you leave, as they are the ones doing all the work and more importantly your safety is in their hands, so what they find easier is the best and safest option.

RandomMess · 15/10/2016 15:28

I think he is BU.

He should at least compromise - set off at 5am and arrive for a late lunch!

Original poster

leopardchanges · 15/10/2016 15:38

We usually do leave later - around 5ish - but this time he's changed his mind.

OP posts:

MissHemsworth · 15/10/2016 15:41

Maybe compromise & see if he's willing to leave a few hours later?

Or alternatively say "ok we'll leave at 3 but you can load the car/get DCs ready/do security etc. Just wake me when you're ready to leave". If I did that with my DH we wouldn't leave until mid morning!

MissHemsworth · 15/10/2016 15:41

Cross post!

Lweji · 15/10/2016 15:49

If you think it's dangerous or that it doesn't work for you, just tell him you and the children are staying at home. And don't pack until he agrees.

Original poster

leopardchanges · 15/10/2016 16:14

I'm not concerned about danger - he's used to and enjoys long distance driving. He also does stop when he's tired. He knows this route very well, which is why he's got the breakfast stop all worked out. And the kids travel well in the car too, so he's not forcing a long journey on us.

It's really just me not wanting to have zero chance of a full sleep, after so long without proper sleep (a few years ago leaving at whatever silly o'clock he chose wouldn't have been such a problem) so that he can have lunch with his parents, who we are staying a week with.

OP posts:

Original poster

leopardchanges · 15/10/2016 16:16

Lweji - honestly that makes me laugh. I can't even imagine doing that! I'd then have to deal with his reaction and resulting mood - and then spend 10 hours in the car and a week at the in-laws with him!!

I totally see the logic and might even suggest it for someone else, but I'm not so strong as that!

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2016 16:52

"I think he may be on the high functioning end of ASD, but I'm not ready to deal with that yet (and not suggesting everybody on the ASD is like this, but he has other traits both good and bad that fit)"

Why do you think that?. What researches have you yourself done? You are not at all qualified to diagnose him and what if you are wrong and that he is like this anyway because he can. ASD is also not a free pass or excuse to act like this towards you anyway.

If he is making all the decisions anyway then I would argue that he is infact nowhere on the ASD spectrum. He is instead abusing his power and control over you all and this wanting to drive you all for hours on end starting at 3.00am is a further extension of that. Your feelings do not at all count.

I also think you are afraid of his reaction if you do try and assert your own feelings here. This also makes me think that he is at heart abusive rather than high functioning. I think you do not really know what ASD actually is all about.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2016 17:01

He also does stop when he's tired. He knows this route very well, which is why he's got the breakfast stop all worked out. And the kids travel well in the car too, so he's not forcing a long journey on us.

Drivers can and do have accidents when tired; they can fall asleep at the wheel. You're simply trying now to put a gloss on a really crap situation. All your DH cares about is arriving there for lunch, that is his priority number 1 here. Your opinion and suggestions have been disregarded. Honestly I'd tell him to go now on his own.

BTW what are his parents like towards you all?.

sandragreen · 15/10/2016 17:48

I don't understand - just tell him you aren't going. The arrangements clearly don't work for you so don't go.

You appear to be frightened of him/his reactions to you standing up to him?

Original poster

leopardchanges · 15/10/2016 18:56

I have done research about ASD because of things I've noticed over the years and because of what people who are qualified, but who have not assessed him said MAY be a POSSIBILITY. This isn't a person who is different with me than others, he's missing social/emotional cues left right and centre - even noticed in work reviews etc. I only mentioned it to give some background, not to excuse his behaviour, or imply that this he in any way represents anybody else.

And tbh, it may not even matter, because whatever the reason he doesn't take my feelings into account - or simply get them at all - the impact on me is the same. I no longer know whether I'm upset about inconsequential things or not. Hence my post.

And I'm in a bit of a daze now after reading your replies. I thought I would be told I was unreasonable and to suck it up. And that's not what most people have said. I'm blown away by the replies saying not to go or to just say no. I can't imagine ever, ever doing that. This is not because of his reactions alone, it's partly me just never doing something like that!

And yes, his reactions can be difficult. I'm not afraid of him or his reactions, I just can't be bothered dealing with them. I don't feel I should have to justify my position more than I have and don't want an argument (which is what would happen).

And I've a meeting with a divorce lawyer in a few weeks, just to find out what my options are...

OP posts:

Original poster

leopardchanges · 15/10/2016 19:00

Attila his parents are very nice. They are very different to me, but kind and do their best to make me feel welcome whenever we visit. I like seeing them.

OP posts:

buckyou · 15/10/2016 19:07

I think if you can't help to drive then he should get to decide when you set off.

Lweji · 15/10/2016 19:26

I just can't be bothered dealing with them.

I'm not surprised you're seeing a divorce lawyer.

Regarding the trip, it's your safety and that of the children that are at stake. So, no, I wouldn't leave the decision to the driver. As I wouldn't let a drunk drive.
I live in a country that has lots of emigrants, and every single year there is at least one accident with casualties from returning families driving through the night.
I wouldn't do it.
In fact, when I have travelled by car between countries, I've slept mid journey.
And it's even more dangerous if you fall asleep too.

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