Things needs to change, but DH strangely resistant.

[TheWeirdness]

I've nc'd for this. Sorry if things seem fuddled, but I am not exactly sure what is going on and I feel quite confused.

DH and I have been married for ten years, and together for twelve (I'm 40 and he's 38). Over those years, we've fallen into a very sedentary way of life. Things just tick along, and nothing much happens. My days are either spent at my job (which I've been doing for ten years), doing housework and cooking, or working on my project. If I work from home, there can be weeks where I don't leave the house at all, and I don't have much of a social life.

I've known for years that our set-up isn't right. I am very aware that the way we live, moreover the way I live, needs to change. I've tried to talk to DH about it in the past, but somehow there's a real resistance there. He just gets defensive and argumentative, or just listens but won't engage. When I have tried to implement lifestyle changes that, by default, involve DH, they don't last or don't come off somehow ... and it is back to the same old same old. What is strange about this is that when I implement changes that only require my own input, they work.

Anyway, things have now come to a head because I have now been diagnosed with depression. I'm finding it hard to do pretty much anything, even get out of bed. I just find myself staring at the wall for hours.

I know I need to get myself out of this situation by taking some sort of action so, this morning, I tried to talk to DH again about making some changes in the way we live. I'd like us to be much more active, and I'd like to have an idea of where we are going in life because I've really no idea anymore and, as such, I don't know how to make personal decisions or choices.

So I asked him, very simply, as a starting point, what kind of life he wanted in ten years time and what kind of things he would like to achieve. My idea was that he would tell me, then I would describe the kind of things I wanted to do and achieve, and with all this information out in the open, we could plot a path through and start living a bit more of a dynamic life.

The ensuing exchange turned into a disaster. Again. DH just seems unable to talk to me about what he wants in life in an open and honest way. Every time I spoke, his response was argumentative and defensive, even though I'd said nothing critical about him at all. By the end, I was left with a lot of pressure in my head and a mild headache, and I just felt gutted.

But I don't want to live the way we do anymore. It's staid, sedentary, boring and a very small world for me; it's like a never-ending groundhog day of either domestic or paid work, punctuated with a week's holiday every year. We are both now overweight and unfit because of the sedentary way we live, and DH's BMI has now reached "obese" (he's put on five stone in four years, and was diagnosed with non-alcoholic fatty liver disease a year ago). I also feel quite trapped. He gets a bit weird if I want to do something on my own, and I even stopped getting the train to work because he told me it gave him panic attacks (he has a fairly severe anxiety problem that he refuses to get long term help for).

I know that if I go my own way and sort life out for myself alone, and he continues to live the way he does, then in a few years, I will be a very different person and he will still be the same, and I can't see what would keep our marriage together.

I wondered if anyone had any insight into this situation at all, if anyone else had been there and had any advice? Moreover, I wanted to know what you all thought about this. I need some other perspectives.

The best thing you can do us work on yourself with a counsellor and leave him to decide or not to do the same.
Thus is your life and it could be far better gor you...most likely without him in it.
You can get well look into fostering etc if you want to help a child ..you can be single for that. There are other ways to have children in your life
This man is dragging you down. don't let him. .. good luck.

Why don't you just do the things you want to do? He doesn't have to join in. Make friends, go see a movie, join a club, go running outside, do your shop at the market. Just get out there, you don't have to be single to do stuff on your own.

Wondering if some posters haven't read more than the first post

OP I nearly hid this thread last night because it's so awful but I'm glad I didn't because I now think you can leave and you will

Btw Wtf is with your parents? If you rang mine at 6.30pm and told them I was missing, they'd think you meant for days! Maybe if you rang them at 1.30am they'd worry my drink had been spiked but apart from that...have you been raised to obey a husband or something weird like that?

There is a whole world out there op. You can be part of it.

Dear OP, I have anxiety issues about DH, recently exacerbated by health concerns (so I'm now constantly convinced he's not only been in a car/train crash but has collapsed and died). But I don't ever try to stop him from doing things, because the problem is mine to manage. He helps by texting a lot, just so I know he's alive.

What your DH is doing is controlling and abusive, and it's no surprise you are depressed. I hope you can find the right sort of counsellor to help you with this.

Treadmills are what they used to have in prisons.

I like the treadmill too OP
Prefer the elliptical or rower but moving is always good, esp with right music.

Thank you for all your comments.

To answer a few questions...

My parents think he is marvellous. And I suppose if your son in law phoned you up in a panic, saying your daughter was missing, then you'd take it seriously, which is what they did.

I was so flabbergasted by it all that I guess I just accepted his anxiety explanation. But recently, I've really started to wonder why he doesn't seem to want to sort his anxiety at all. We've both had a difficult time since we lost the babies, but I'm the only one who does the counselling, reads the mindfulness books, tries to work on myself, tries to make things better.

The mention of millstones is very resonant. I feel weighed down and heavy a lot of the time, as though I'm an ox pulling a plough. Yet a couple of years ago, I went to stay with a friend and I felt so light. I remembered the person I used to be.

Some very odd things kept popping into my head. A few years ago, I started getting this overwhelming sensation that I was an extra in everyone else's film, as though I was background and only existed to serve a purpose in the plots of their lives. I didn't seem to have a film of my own. It really bothered me at the time.

As to my housing situation, dh and I have a mortgage on a house. It's not a big mortgage but I'd have to get permanent full time work to service it. I've been looking for new work and had a couple of interviews but no luck so far.

And if I am honest, Dh really doesn't do very much. He works from home for maybe four hours a day. He does the rubbish and empties the dishwasher, and will sometimes put the laundry in the dryer. He does make food for himself sometimes and will pick up bits from the local shop.

But what bothers me more is other odd little things, like when he put on the last batch of weight, he grew out of all his clothes but never did anything about it. He had nothing to wear. It wasn't until I noticed something was up that he admitted it, yet it was still me that made sure we went to get him some new things.

I've historically seen this all as an inability on his part to grasp the circumstances of life and respond to them, but now I'm wondering if he's like this because it suits him to be, because I then do everything.

There's so many other little things like this. I feel quite overwhelmed just thinking about it all. I try so hard to make things nice and give us good lives. I worked my arse off doing overtime to save the money for the deposit on the house. I went without for years. But he didn't really change much about his life; I made all the sacrifices.

I don't know what time he came back last night. I fell asleep about 4am and he wasn't back then.

How are you, OP?

Sorry cross post!

Op "I remembered the person I used to be."

You still are, you just can't see in the shadow of the horrible husband.

No, my folks wouldn't panic if a partner said that. Did he say you'd been missing for days? No one is missing if they are a non vulnerable adult who popped out after work.

Your dad demanded you, a grown woman in your 30's, come home, your mum and your aunt were in tears, your dad was out looking for you.....

I am sensing that your husband isnt the first suffocating relationship you have had, and that the reason you perhaps havent been able to see that this is controlling and abusive is because to you this is normal thanks a similar relationship with your parents. Would that be true do you think?

"But recently, I've really started to wonder why he doesn't seem to want to sort his anxiety at all"

He does not want to sort anything because he thinks and knows that he is onto a good thing with you. He is using his supposed anxiety as a weapon against you. What he is anxious about is keeping you under his control at all times.

Why do you parents think he is marvellous exactly?. Are they like him on some levels?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours does he meet?.

I think you can still be the person you were if and when you fully extricate yourself from this marriage.

OP. Please believe that the reason your thread has touched a nerve with so many posters is that what you are experiencing is real. You're not imagining it, making more of it than it really is. Men (and women) like your husband really do exist. It's very scary to realise what has been happening to you. You won't be able to think straight right now because that's the effect of what he's done to you.

If you could think straight you wouldn't be being driven to work by a man with severe anxiety, who nevertheless can work and go out socialising till the early hours.

The you pre your husband would be saying all that we are. But he's used his box of tricks on you, so you're confused, ground down, full of self-doubt. He's weak, that's why he needs you to be that way. If you'd turned around at the beginning and said don't be so bloody ridiculous, and carried on doing what you wanted thereafter, he'd have ended the relationship.

Don't try and figure out why he's like this. You can't help or save him, only yourself. As others have said, start to do those (little) things that he has stopped you from doing. If he feigns a panic attack when you say you're taking yourself to work, leave him "panicking". Nothing will happen to him.

Ideally, just leave him as soon as you can. I'm so sorry for your dreadful losses. He clearly has been no support here either. You can walk away. A mortgage can be sorted. Your mental health is the most precious thing. I wouldn't even discuss anything with him. Just sort out the practicalities, then leave. Personally I don't think you should tell your parents what you are planning to do.

He is 'allowed' to stay out with his friends until 4am, but he feigns panic if you are out later than 18:30

I hope that you can realise how unbalanced your current relationship is

Make plans to exit this relationship quickly

Make a clean break and move onwards in a positive way with your life

Get legal help from cab or solicitor

Oh, heck, some of this sounds so fa.iliar. Different reactions to different situations but after I told him not to break the staircase when he threatened to throw himself over the bannisters (again) it all got so much easier for me to recognise that invisible cage and, yes, I did eventually leave.

Go for a lovely walk in the fresh air. Take that train. And sod him. If your family gets dragged into his drama, yet again, make it clear that they are being bloody ridiculous.

OP, you do realise that if you get pregnant you will be completely dependent on him and financially vulnerable? You will be even more 'stuck' than you are now.
You don't need him to be parent on your own.
You already have one child on your hands - HIM. Imagine having to do all you're doing now and then being a lone parent in an abusive marriage.

The strange thing is that when he's not in the house, I can get up. And I can do things. But when he is in the house, something happens; I somehow can't do things

Your body is telling you what your mind doesn't want to face - your husband is the problem. He drains your energy and then demands more via his 'can't look after myself' games.

I've been there, kept ignoring my body's reactions and responses until one night i seized up - we were in bed and although my mind wanted to go along with it for 'a quite life', my body would froze. My body/survival instinct had obviously had enough of me consciously ignoring the messages and took control.
That's when i admitted to myself that i didn't like him touching or kissing me and needed to be away from him as he drained my energy and sent me into 'lock-down' mode.

A few years ago, I started getting this overwhelming sensation that I was an extra in everyone else's film, as though I was background and only existed to serve a purpose in the plots of their lives

OP, please speak to your gp. I had this - for four years after the event. They call it depersonalisation.
I felt like i was 'watching' my life play out, watching myself do and say things, go through the motions but i was not 'connected' to any of it.
I recall feeling emotionally numb. I could hear a funny joke and understand it - but i couldn't laugh.
I was like a robot.
It's scary and dangerous, especially when you're not consciously aware of what process is at play here.

Trauma, shock, feeling 'not in control' of your life all contribute to this.
You've slowly been coming round to facing the fundamental differences between you as people, you want to build a future but you are also now aware that it may not include him.
Add the ttc to that....you are under immense pressure and if YOU don't take charge you'll be heading towards a breakdown.

I felt like that before I left my x. I used to think ''how would I react to that?''. I did not know what if anything my personality was. I also felt like I was just reading lines. Standard improv lines that fitted the situation. But I felt disconnected from it all too. My x did that too me because I wasn't allowed to have an opinion.

good luck theweirdness, you're starting to see things for what they are. keep posting for support - this is what mn is for. it's a journey you've got to go through, and you're just at the start.

i agree that it's very convenient your dh's anxiety only limits your behaviour, not his own. that's why he's not keen on getting help. he doesn't have anxiety at all, it's to control you.

it's very telling that you feel better when he's not around. i think you know what needs to happen now. i'm not sure your parents are best suited to supporting you through this. do you have anyone else in rl you can talk to?

It usually takes people months or years to move from thinking it might be abuse to successfully leaving.

You want to have children and don't have ten years to waste.

Plan your exit now.

I think you need to take small steps. Go for walk together and just start chatting. Then longer walk couple days after that. Sitting down and saying so what do you want from life is big question. And sometimes easier to chat side by side more natural.
He could be as depressed as you and need help from GP and you both may benefits from counselling poss together as well as apart.

With respect Flyingbellycopters I would not advise the OP to follow the advice in your post.

He is using coercive control, and emotionally abusing her. Having a nice walk and a chat is not the way forward here. Joint counselling is absolutely not recommended in these situations. A good counsellor would not actually see the abused and their abuser together.

Flying have you read all the op posts?

Jesus fUcKking H. That is terrifying..

Panic attacks my arse.

Wishing you all the best OP. you've had a nasty shock. Hope you manage to break free somehow.

I know you want a baby but seriously DO NOT bring a child into this relationship. Imagine the life the poor little bugger would be subjected to. Get out and get a sperm donor.

No no no to counsellilng. These types are excellent at presenting as the victim of their partner's insensitivity at counselling.

I've a friend who was co-erced in to counselling (v abusive man). he made it all wrapped up in court procedings too. She felt she had no choice, that it would make her look like he was the reasonable one if she refused to go. So I told her to just say one thing to the counsellor, ''I have the right to leave a relationship that makes me unhappy'' and she said it over and over again and the focus was still on her lack of consideration for him. Beggars belief that this can happen. He was basically holding her prisoner (he pulled shit like having her court ordered to return v small children to their home, even though he had forced himself on her in the run up to her leaving, he still had the power to go to the courtss, hire a fuck off expensive barrister at the cost of 16k and get an emergency hearing to have her ordered back to his home). And she had to go to a counselling session with this guy who persuaded the counsellor quite successfully that he had been the victim of her cruelty and coldness and lack of consideration and sensitivity to him etc ... she just wanted to be allowed to leave.