Husband has left me after 21 years

[bikerlou]

So my husband has just gone after many years, I thought we were happy. I thought we were soul mates and would be together forever but clearly I was deluded.
I've been crying for three weeks now I'm just trying to sort out the mess, try and get a divorce and wonder why I could have been so blind and stupid for so long.
There are other people involved, not just one.
I will never take him back - there were betrayals and lies I can't forgive.
I have a part time job and my own house but how the hell do you start again in your mid 50's. It's a bloody nightmare.
I was always so smug about my own marriage - more fool me.

Bikerlou dear! Wonderful posts have been written up there. From what I saw you look like there is one GREAT person you can rely on in these difficult times. It is YOU. You are lucky to be yourself. You are lucky to have been able to raise a wonderful son on your own, a son you gave birth to when you were a child yourself. You are LUCKY to have been able to feel 'smug' with this useless male around. By going he just liberated you from his shallow being. It is tough. I have been through tough times- different ones. I learnt a few things:
1- Noone can really understand how awful you must feel now that all the world you built and believed in chattered around you;
2- It helped me repeating to myself that there are many people around that are going through traumas worst than mine (just think about all the decent citizens in the war torn country)
3- It helped me looking up to people (veterans or civilians) wh have overcome worst crisis than mine. I still have my legs, my arms, my kids, my mind- AD helped keeping it in place no doubt- my friends my cats and dogs.
4- I did a lot of the things I like: walking, reading, talking to people, listening to music, watching the leaves moving in the wind, the cats lazily streching in the sun, listening to the rain drops etc etc I cant say that at the start I enjoyed that very much. My mind was a roller coaster that brought me to the abyss all the time. But I am so over it now that I do not understand why couldn't I enjoy at that time the little pleasures of life.
Believe me when you will peel him off your skin, you will be able to rediscover yourself, to reconnect to the great person you are and to enjoy better and more the little pleasure that make up our life. It is your rebirth. There are books on how to overcome traumas. They might be helpful. (I think that novels about life crisis are even better if you like to read. Alice Munroe -Nobel Prize laureat in 2014 I think- writes very beautiful short stories on small changing life events.) Good Luck dear!

Error in 4- I did a lot of the things I like: walking, reading, talking to people, listening to music, watching the leaves moving in the wind, the cats lazily streching in the sun, listening to the rain drops etc etc I cant say that at the start I enjoyed that very much. I meant at the start 'I DID NOT enjoy etc Sorry for all the other errors.

bikerlou, it sounds like you are going to be ok long term. Be kind to yourself - remember it is completely normal to feel shit sometimes in these early days.

A book which was recommended by a friend really helped me - it's called Getting Past Your Break Up by Susan J Elliot. For me, it was a comforting read every night - it was like someone was holding my hand through the scary first weeks. I would really recommend it.

Love from another mumsnetter sending you more strength and good wishes.

Bikerlou I too think you'll be ok, better than ok in fact.

I'm around your age, my ex had his midlife crisis when I was 49 after twenty years of marriage. So much of what you've said resonates with me. He also craved excitement and hated doing the mundane house and garden stuff. Getting him to mow the lawn was like climbing Everest! Yet he always expected me to have a hot dinner ready for him, a clean house and freshly laundered and ironed shirts ready!

After the sheer shock and devastation of him leaving, and me being sole carer for three teenagers sunk in, I actually realised I was happier without him. I hadn't lost a husband, just an overgrown entitled kid. I think when you get through this you'll realise the same.

I wish you well

Yes indeed more wise words from you all, thank you so much. I personally think in a few years he will really regret this. I think he will find it incredibly difficult finding anyone else as good as me.......not bragging but I am bloody good at what I do and have reliably supported us for years. Nightclubs and dressing up in fancy dress will eventually lose it's glamour and there will come a time when he starts thinking about pensions, having his own home and god help him if he gets ill, there is really nobody out there for him. He only really had me.
My darling sister sent me a lovely gidt today, I had accidentally destroyed my handbag - she sent me a lovely new one.
A friend gave me a tv and that has been done now and another friend who owns a computer shop is setting me up with a computer of my own and the whole works for just £100 as he wants his computer back. The support has been amazing.
Now the meds have kicked it I feel much less distraught and am beginning to clearly see the way forwards.
It will be ok. Love you all :-)

You're right, at some point he's going to look round and see that the life he bought so dearly is not what he thought it would be. And he's either going to blame himself (and rightly so) for throwing it all away or he's going to blame everyone but himself for 'disappointing him' (BFF's ex did this). But either way he's going to end up a lonely and bitter old man alone in his misery.

You on the other hand, after spending those same years in peace and contentment will be a happy, fulfilled lady surrounded by those she loves!

So crack on Mr PartyPants, we'll see who's gotten the best end of this stick soon enough!

Bikerlou dear! Right. Who in his right minds would have screwed it up all for a very short life span on 'dolls' shelves so to speak? You are right to project his future and think that he will probably tire of all his new excitements, and that he will eventually find himself 'naked' and lonely, with no financial backing and no shoulder to cry on etc Such thoughts are natural, healthy and helpful as at now. They are taking you forward. IMHO something better awaits you: in the future if you and when you think about him you will just have compassion for him (no not so as to take him back. Just as a human being, as 'somebody you used to know' ). Trust me. You will not only move on and forward. You will move UPWARD- fully reconnected with yourself and full of compassion for those who misbehaved toward you and took advantage of your heart and resilience. Good Luck! (Glad the medics are kicking on!)

Hello Bikerlou, great that you are sorting yourself up so quickly, and what a lovely son you have, he is beyond thoughtful.
Believe me once you get a laptop, sofa, tv and a big blanket, you won't even miss the old fool (he will be trying to get home from clubs in town in the middle of winter, the type of chap you see sadly cramming a kebab in his mouth whilst staggerint along drunkenly)
Now - one more piece of advice. You need a laptray and a pet to make it a proper set up. Once winter is over, get yourself some memberships to museums, galleries, trendy cinemas etc and take your son!

I can't help but feel sorry for the next woman who "wins" these prize guys (sarcasm). I hoped the next woman my ex took up with was the type who would make him go clothes shopping and make him take out his moth filled wallet!

He sounded very controlling bikerlou
Let him enjoy his mid life crisis. What a twat.
Mine did just the same ...left a trail of devastation behind him.
I actually remarried at age 63 last year to a lovely man, I'd met 8 years ago.
Am having a ball .
Just enjoying our 9th week out of ten this year that we have planned on a lovely sunshine holiday.

Life couldn't be better.
As for my exh. He married someone he didn't really love, regretted what he did when he split his lovely family up, got a real nasty cancer and died nearly two years ago.

Life's a funny old thing...the best bit may still be yet to come. I was 56 when I met my new dh.

Do you really need anti d's

It's ok to grieve you know. To grieve for what you have lost.
It's a very normal response to a situation that you thought was going to be until death did you part

I really did cry a river but I knew it was healthy and normal.
I worry that antid's only mask the symptoms.
To me it really is better to let the tears and anger flow
The hurt has already happened and tears are the healing

Wow Bikerlou, you are moving on and such an inspiration!
6 weeks ago I found out my STBXH had slept with his 20 years younger assistant and kicked him out. He is now living with her and her parents in their log cabin And having to ask their permission for stuff like a child
He is a drinker, has been done for drink driving and lost his licence this week and is feeling oh so sorry for himself. He's told her he's not drinking anymore but the ever decreasing bottle of vodka in my fridge is testimony that he is lying (he comes round every day when I am at work to walk the dogs)
Yesterday, lack of sleep and PMT was the worst day ever but today I have slept in, been kind to myself and realised what a loser he is.
Onwards and upwards lovely, there is a better world out there for us

How are you doing?

Baby steps ;-)

bikerlou you are an inspiration to us all!

I can second (third) the recovery powers of a sofa, telly and a snuggly pair of jammies. Cats also help, although they are prone to withdrawing support if you need to get up and make a cup of tea. I think it's common for us not to realise how much we have changed our lives and negated our own desires to accommodate a man - and how liberating it is when they go. I used to hate coming home (particularly after the late shift) to an empty house (apart from the cats and dogs), so I started leaving the TV or radio on very softly when I left for work. When I got home, somehow, the house felt more 'lived in' - and it's so nice to get home and make myself a bowl of soup or a sandwich rather than having to think about cooking a meal!

All the best to you.

Yes. Hope you are doing as good as you can given the awful ness of the situation.