My mother

[Racmactac]

I am an only child and had strained teenage relationship with her, I moved out at 17 and didn't speak to her for a while. Everything else was before me and I was packed off to boarding school where I was less of a nuisance to her!

Roll on good few years and relationship lots better, helps out with kids but few issues along the way that I let go. Treats my boys differently, she is happy when they are sitting down behaving but if they are slightly out of that she gets cross, strict over things that used to annoy me as a kid. My way or no way I'm the boss parenting.

Anyway went on holiday with her and my new partner and children, she wasn't centre of attention, grumpy, pretended not to hear conversations, later said she knew nothing about plans despite sat in same room as us, very difficult. We had a massive argument, my normal reaction is to cry but I didn't, I told her she was making life difficult, being grumpy and causing an issue. She told me to take her to the airport as she was going home, told me my new partner is controlling, doesn't like the way I'm treating her etc etc. Told her not to be silly we can sort this, but very dismissive of me.

Next morning she tells me to take her to airport and she's going home, after few words I take her to airport and haven't spoken to her since. She has sent me email saying some very unpleasant and untrue things.

I think she completely over reacted to a normal family argument and has turned into her father who she despises. The things she has said are hurtful and nasty and I don't know how I move on from this.
Another family member has told me its up to me, she doesn't think mother will make first move and will probably not talk to me again.

I really don't know what to do, I'm incredibly hurt by the things she has said and by her actions.. She went home from holiday and it was her granddaughters bday whilst we were there. It wasn't short haul, we were in USA !
What do I do?

Nothing is my advice. You did nothing wrong as far as i can see !
She wont like it that you have stood up to her but she will have to get over it if she wants to see you and your family. But is it a good idea to have her around your kids repeating the same mistakes she made with you anyway?
Prioritise your own dc and leave her to it is what i would do.!

She has not really altered in terms of personality since you were yourself a child. Her father treated her like this and she has taken to doing the same to you and the next generation i.e. your children rather than seeking the necessary help.

It is not your fault she is like this, her parents did that lot of damage to her.

I would read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward as a starting point, it could well help you and consider too finding a therapist to work with.

She was not a good parent to you, she unsurprisingly is not a good grandparent figure to your children either. You need to completely stay away from your mother, do not make contact with her.

Another family member has told me its up to me, she doesn't think mother will make first move and will probably not talk to me again

If she threw her toys out of the pram in the way you suggest, and if she won't talk to you again ... there's something very, very wrong with her.

Susan Forward has written some outstanding books on parental and in-law relationships, including one about mothers and daughters. It is probably very well worth finding one. And therapy (if it works for you) might be a revelation.

I would do nothing. From what you say you have done nothing wrong and she is the one who has acted badly.

Let's face it, she is the one with the most to lose here. If she really thinks her pride is worth not seeing her only grandchildren, then she isn't worth bothering with.

Thank you, I will download that book and have a read.

Interestingly I did have counselling a few years ago when my marriage ended and I thought my issues where with my father and the counsellor kept bringing it back to my mum.

She didn't speak to her own parents for about 15 years ! Only got back in touch with them when her father became poorly.

Several people have said I should make the first move, make it up because she's my own family but I can't.

She basically said that I had said nasty things about the cancerous scarring to her face, amongst other things. I absolutely did not say anything and can't get over the fact she thinks that her daughter is that much of an evil cow That could do such a thing.

I also have a lot of other stuff going on in my life that are all pretty tough to deal with and I feel that she has effectively dumped me.

Toxic parents is actually a great book I recommend it too.

Don't do anything

Is it common for parents to blame the partners? She told me she thinks partner is controlling, I really don't see that he is.

I had shit first marriage and he was controlling and an idiot, I had counselling, I read lots of books and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't let myself be in that position again but it's put doubt in my mind. And if he was so controlling surely she has played into his hands by cutting me out?

Part of me thinks that she has not had another relationship since my dad and they split up 39 years ago! That's not particularly normal is it?

My mother also sulks and passively aggessively plays the victim if she doesn't get the right attention. She too is always moaning about how controlling my siblings partners are, all of them. The exception is me because I am controlling, there's a list of several other people she regularly calls controlling so I don't give her accusations any attention.

Accusing others of being controlling is almost like her pre-loaded defence mechanism. Not always that she is being controlled but indignant tales of how others are being controlled. Once she went on and on about my poor poor brother with his nasty controlling wife. She had done something terrible like set up an organisation system

`Several people have said I should make the first move, make it up because she's my own family but I can't.

people who have loving relationships generally don't understand what it's like dealing with someone who absolutely must be dominant, or else they won't speak to you.

Sometimes, if you're dealing with people who are so stubborn that they can't accept you too can have your own integrity, you're left with a stark choice to remain a child under their thumb or to gain your adult independence and break free. The price can be them never speaking again to you.

Yes, it's very common for control freaks to twist facts or make up stories. Also be prepared for the flying monkeys (friends or family whom will come to you and tell you to make it up with your mother, no matter the cost to yourself. Often it's to make their own lives easier, or because they really do not understand what the relationship between you is like).

Sometimes people with highly controlling parents get into a relationship with highly controlling partners and it's not a coincidence. That's the pattern they know, the shape of relationships that is familiar and they simply don't recognise that there are other, healthier relationship. Frankly she could have primed you for a controlling relationship with your ex. With this partner, read up on red flags, observe him a while and always, always keep a spare fund only for yourself so that if an emergency hits, you have a little bit of money to cushion yourself. No experienced, loving partner will object, they'll see it as sensible.

As far as partner is concerned, it's my house we live in, I earn the money, have a career and control the bank accounts. I just can't see he is controlling, don't get me wrong he is not perfect and he has his faults just as we all do.

I'm really angry that she has made me question this.

I realised tonight that I have blocked a lot of stuff out from childhood. How I felt, how she made me feel, some of the things she did. It's trying to come back to me and I don't want it to

A few years ago I had had enough of my mother's behaviour.. She was critical of my children, my house and the fact that we did not dance to her tune. I told her to basically behave like an adult as I would not be bullied any more, resulting in her stomping off in huff, feeling sorry for herself and basically relieving me of the non stop cycle of trying to please her/ failing /feeling frustrated. Not all families are good together, leave her to her strop and enjoy your family.

OMG I'm so sorry Racmatac.
So so similar to my own experiences last year. Things didn't go her way so she's gone off like a splatter gun firing insults willy nilly. SHE is self centred, you have done nothing wrong. You do not have to make amends.
Google toxic parents & narcissists. Def read Susan Forwards book.
If it's the same as my Dad I was stunned that he would rather cut me off than admit he'd been a shit. He CANNOT see anyone else's point of you and cares a hell of a lot less than I realised - that has been an education.
All the best, you are not alone xx

Sorry I am really sharing !
I recall a time when she came to my house that we had just moved into, the intention was to renovate so it was a mess, been empty for months, run down etc. I broke my leg and had just come out of hospital, she turned up and told me the house was a mess, I should be embarrassed and the old mattress outside looked like a gypsy house.

My previous house, she told me it looked like a council house and couldn't I put my bins somewhere else because it looked so cheap with them st the front.

Or the general rudeness to everyone, talking to shop assistants like scum.

Explaining to me in simple terms that I would have to pay a mortgage back and I should not borrow money. Um I have a degree, post grad and career I think I kind of understand how a mortgage works.

She doesn't like my friends, they are not on the same level as me, ie they don't have "proper" jobs

Slagging off gay people, and saying its a phase. I'm bi and never told her because I can't face the comments

Not saying your partner is controlling, rac ... not at all. I do think that it's worth just being aware that the pattern might be within you. But sometimes the experience of having one controlling partner lets you know exactly what to look out for next time, so you find someone who's much healthier =)

Your mother really isn't any sort of friend or kind parent is she? Good professional therapy can help an awful lot, if you can afford it. It can be life changing.

It's a taboo that nobody breaks. Your parents can be ENVIOUS of you. That's probably behind some of the house comments.
The other house comments and friend comments stem from a need for you to be successful in order for her to look good (if she is truly selfish then you don't really exist except as a mere shadow in HER world).
Because she cannot (will not?) see others points of view she cannot understand why someone may make a career choice that's rewarding and promotes happiness for them, same for the sexuality thing.
The 'controlling' thing is really low. She knows your weak point and is shamelessly using it to attack you.
(Narcissism is on a spectrum. She may not be as bad as I have perhaps made out, I don't know her. But the theory holds true) xx