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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

did you go to relate and was it worth £40 . successful stories please

20 replies

IreallyKNOWiamright · 14/10/2016 13:57

Mainly what the title says. I've got to the point in our relationship where I've tried to make things work. He is now trying too in lots of diffeent ways but alot of our arguments and fights have broken me and I can't move on. We have trouble communicating and most of the time it ends up in an argument. We've been married for over 15 years and I love him to bits but when things are tough I struggle to handle it all. I am wondering if relate can help but wirh Christmas coming up I am wondering if it's worth £40 a time. Or shall I just invest that money on going out with dh and trying to improve things that way

OP posts:

Mamaka · 14/10/2016 14:29

Pay me the £40 and I'll tell you what relate will say

We learned about, practised and roleplayed, active listening. I'm sure you can Google it and practise it yourselves. That was the main thing we took home from it. We also listened to a lot of self indulgent crap from each other and had a giggle about it on the way home. I was quite shocked to realise our counsellor was a bit skewed towards the "oh poor man he's really trying hard" mentality and wasn't particularly impressed by that but my husband opened up more than he ever has done.

All in all, not worth it, especially if you are capable of doing your own research and putting it into practice together. If he is someone who needs to be told by someone else to do something, then possibly.

Mamaka · 14/10/2016 14:33

psychcentral.com/lib/become-a-better-listener-active-listening/

whatthefuckjusthappened · 14/10/2016 14:42

We've just started at Relate and we had to pay £70!!! We had one really nice counsellor for the assessment, then another for our first session - he was awful and I will not be going back to him. So now we are waiting for there to be space with the original counsellor.
I've bought one of Relate's books and it makes a lot of sense to me, so I think I will like the way they work.

cece · 14/10/2016 14:45

Wow - we are paying £60 per session!

Currently about 5 sessions in and starting to feel more positive about our relationship. We are starting to communicate better.

Original poster

IreallyKNOWiamright · 14/10/2016 17:04

Thank you for your replies. Wow I can't believe how much you guys are paying! Do you live near London it could be why you pay a bit more
. It sounds like you all have had positive experiences.
I looked up the link mamaka shared and that looks interesting and will read more in depth later. Can you get the relate books on amazon or from the local library.

OP posts:

LostAtSea2 · 14/10/2016 17:14

£55 here.....about 2 months in but we needed to change counsellor that they suggested as personalities didn't work.

We find it useful as it allows more neutral discussion without risk of escalation. Still working through things, some way to go but for us I think we would both agree they are worthwhile

forumdonkey · 14/10/2016 17:31

It was many years ago but my experience was it was awful and the woman we saw was out of touch, irresponsible and caused more damage. She basically condoned my exh violence against me, which excused him of his behaviour and made him worse and me more vulnerable. He'd head butted me for example, it wasn't low level.

Vintagegirl1 · 14/10/2016 17:38

We payed £50!for intial consultation and I won't be going back. Woman focused on my "not having a job"(I am a sahm to 3 dcs) and hardly payed any attention to the fact that dh is financially abusive and cheated on me with prostitutes.

Mamaka · 14/10/2016 17:49

I've heard lots of people say relate is very bad with picking up on abusive relationships and pro keeping marriages together, whatever the situation.

Actually if you're thinking of spending the money anyway it might be worth shopping around for a really good counsellor.

Hillfarmer · 14/10/2016 18:13

I would say Go to Relate if both sides actively want to make the relationship work. If he is reluctant or is abusive, then it definitely won't be 'worth it' if you're looking to go off in the sunset together.

However it could be worth it to some extent, even if you eventually split up.

I went to Relate with my EA H. I did not feel any more safe and secure in those sessions than I did at home, i.e. I felt just as distressed and terrified on a sofa in front of the counsellor as I did when he got angry at home. The counsellor did not stop the sessions - as he should have done in the case of an abusive relationship - and merely sought to draw my H into the session. H would sulk on the way home and refuse to discuss it between sessions. It was yet another weapon to use against me.

It was only when I went to see the counsellor on my own after I couldn't bear to go with arsehole XH, that he told me that I was in an abusive relationship.

So, Relate was 'worth it' in the sense that someone - eventually - validated that my H was abusive. And the agonising sessions brutally reinforced just how much of an arsehole XH really was. When I begged him to go to Relate I was still thinking that there must be something I could be doing to make things better! Imagine that!

I can see my case was extreme. I hope you manage to rebuild.

It really all depends on whether both of you feel you can work to repair your relationship. If one of you doesn't, then there would be no point in going.

Greenifer · 14/10/2016 21:56

£75 for us. It worked well.

Bagina · 14/10/2016 21:59

We got it for £25. I think individual counselling is better. We went with having 3 sessions in mind. It must be down to each counsellor, I reckon.

Mishaps · 14/10/2016 22:00

It used to be free!

Grammar · 14/10/2016 22:14

We've been twice within about 5 years. Each time, both of us has been engaged in the process.
I would say go, it's been very good for us. I ( and think DH) would say we have married the love of our lives. But that doesn't mean that it is always plain sailing. or that you don't hit rocky patches where you need to seek some help.
We have found both times helpful. We have talked on the way home, giggled a bit because, oddly the person who is trying to bring you together does that, unconsciously, as, often, in your shared history which is being scrutinised and commented on... your greatest ally is your togetherness and history in the face of someone else trying to make sense of it.
That said... there were some very astute and valuable tips we took away. You just have to try and remember them later.

OllyBJolly · 14/10/2016 22:23

It wasn't free 24 years ago! There was a 'suggested donation of at least £20' and a big spiel about costs being way more. Directed to pay when we left.

Waste of time.

MehMehM3h · 14/10/2016 22:36

We're in the middle of using them now and like a pp we also pay £60. I can't believe how awful some of the counselors are based on this thread! Ours is nice, there's been some DV from H and the counselor is actually very good at putting H in his place about it. Doesn't condone it and takes cues from me.

I find it good because it is giving me a place to speak and not be afraid. However, I do still find it hard to vocalise what it is I am feeling/thinking. We are also getting individual counselling (not relate) which I think is helping H too.

chattygranny · 14/10/2016 22:40

My son and his DP have been having counselling for a couple of years, once a week in term time. It had really helped them and we all see the difference.

PsychedelicSheep · 15/10/2016 00:38

I say this on here a lot, but in the therapy world Relate are seen as overpriced and undertrained. Just because they are a 'brand' people recognise they get a lot of business, but actually they train their 'counsellors' in house and a lot of them will only have Relates basic training, not a proper academic counselling qualification which is not good enough imo.

I have used the analogy of wanting to go for a pizza or something on holiday, you might go to Pizza Hut because you've heard of it and it's easy, but if you do a bit of research you can find a better value and quality local pizzeria and have a much better experience.

If you go into the BACP website and look for (preferably accredited) counsellors who has training in working with couples (we don't all), make a shortlist and don't be afraid to try a few out and see who seems the best fit.

I have a friend who is a supervisor at Relate and she is a great therapist so obviously some are better than others but many are retired people who just fancy doing it, they do a basic certificate with them and off they go! Shocking really, I trained for 4.5 years to do my job 🙄

So yeah shop around, you can get someone better, cheaper and without the waiting list if you look outside the obvious.

Newfore72 · 15/10/2016 07:07

As with life, it very much depends on the quality of the counsellor and the commitment of the participants.

Sleepthief · 15/10/2016 08:02

We had a very positive experience (a while ago now), but judging by this thread I think that was because we had a fantastic counsellor, rather than it being anything inherent within Relate itself.

As others have said, if you both want your relationship to work, it's got to be worth a go. For us it was really helpful to have an impartial observer, so our arguments didn't spiral out of control.

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