Drowning in nostalgia

[user1476439952]

I'm having a bit of a weird time at the moment.

I'm 31, happily married and have a beautiful DC. We have an amazing home, always manage to get through any of life's tough crap.

I'm finally in my dream job which works really well around my family.

Since becoming a mum I've definitely felt a lot of "loss of self" but have been realistic. It's been tricky having a social life as my DH lacks confidence (though never stops trying) with DC and isn't great being left with her.

He's been away a lot recently for work and some social stuff, which I've actively encouraged. However, in the last few weeks (and this has happened in the past), I'm starting to get sickeningly nostalgic for my younger years.

Everything from the the company I kept, the things I did, the music I listened to. I know I'm probably looking back with rose tinted glasses, as I had a lot of crap as well at the time which I'd never want to revisit.

I've been finding myself thinking a lot about my first love, which was quite simply a horrendous relationship. He was a pothead, waster and ended up being very cruel. I've not seen or heard from him since I met my husband when I stopped talking to him full stop. The last I had heard was that he ended up in jail and then went travelling around the world when he got out.

I keep having random pangs of what would happen if I bumped into him. What would I say? What would I do? Would I ignore him etc?

None of this is very constructive or helpful and I would never actively seek him out, but I can't shake off this overwhelming urge of nostalgia and wanting to recapture something that I'm not entirely sure what it is.

I've tried to ignore it, I've spoken to my husband about it (not about the ex part though as you can imagine, he's had the full story and would probably kill him if their paths ever crossed), throwing myself into my life with my child, family and work....

Has anybody else felt like this? How long did it take to dissipate?

Sounds like life isn't as perfect as you want to pretend to yourself that it is.

You're left with a reduced social life because your child's father "tries" but isn't great at being left to care for his own child?

Perhaps if he curtailed his social life to spend more time "trying" he'd get better at it

Sounds like you've got what you wanted (husband, house, child, job) but then found it isn't quite what you wanted. Having a child is a big adjustment. Would you consider counselling?

I don't think the thinking about the ex is too worrying, your mind is just wandering to the opposite of what you've got.

Hate to say "mid life crisis" but it doesn't sound like you've reached a bit of a "is this it?" moment.

See a counsellor, and get your child's father to stop being so lame 😒

Thanks for replying. It sounds worse than it is, he really is a good dad, very hands on and does loads, he doesn't go out very much (he's had some stag do's and he's always offered to cancel to support me).

DC is just a crap sleeper and he struggles to get dc to settle, he's very doubtful of himself but he does get on and do it. I've still been able to get out etc and we have other people that support us too. It's obviously, logistically, a lot more difficult than it used to be.

Definitely feeling the mid-life crisis vibes and feeling terrible for it, like I shouldn't be so greedy to want any more than what I have.

This is all resolvable, as long as you keep clear of the ex!

It's easy to get bogged down in family life, where it's all work and cleaning and cooking and shopping etc. Why not do something, all three of you, that you might have done when you were younger, like planning a holiday somewhere really adventurous and different? Your child will be fine wherever you go, as long as you're there too.

Do you find this feeling comes in waves? I find that for one week out of every month I can't stop thinking about my exes. But then it disappears. I totally put it down to hormones.

Did you start feeling better OP? I've recently been feeling exactly like you described! And I know it's because I'm unhappy in my current situation.

Sometimes when I think about my past life it makes me feel physically sick I feel so nostalgic for it but knowing that it can never be again.

Also ditto with the exs what's all that about? It's usually over my first from 20 years ago who I rarely thought about until late and also my last ex who only lasted less than a year anyway!

I'm not sure how to deal with this very odd feeling. Scrolling through people I used to know on Facebook does not help!

Replying really for people who will turn up for the zombie thread.

What is happening is your inner being screaming to you - it will have been doing so anyway, but you didn't listen. Your inner being will then call your body onside, and you will become ill. All to try to call you to your divine purpose on this earth. And you can laugh and think I'm a twat. But your body knows better.

All the first love is total distraction, an 'exit affair' in the making.

You can be so much more honourable than that.

This article explains so much - like if you have always been looking to others to feel ok about yourself, well then you aren't healthy (That was me, which is why I came up with that one):

blog.melanietoniaevans.com/healing-from-narcissistic-abuse-coming-home-to-our-bodies/