Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Husband's colleague flirting - WWYD

50 replies

BooToYouToo · 13/10/2016 19:12

DH has been through a hard time at work, sidelined so decided to take voluntary redundancy. He has a colleague in HR who has been giving him advice. She is going through a rough time - divorcing an abusive man and selling family home etc.

Anyway I saw some of her messages to DH one night as our iPads & phones are linked. It was the day he decided to quit. She was telling him he was fabulous & suggesting they drown their sorrows over dinner one night. In itself I've no problem with that as I trust him and he often has drinks with female colleagues.

Actually she wanted to go dancing but he said dinner was fine. Then she started using the blowing kisses emoticon and insisted they set a date for dinner & said how much she'd miss him when he leaves. He was very noncommittal in return and went off to bed. I should've made a joke about it at the time but he had an interview for a new job the next day.

Anyway, since then she contacts him every few days. He is home on gardening leave and she was desperate for him to come into work to have lunch so she could "make sure he was OK". He said no, he needed a breather. Also he was in Bristol for an interview but didn't mention it to her so I don't think he's that fussed.

Another time she asked how he was, he said he was off exercising and she said she could think of better forms of stress relief to which he replied that he was getting that too. She seems to fish a lot about how being at home with his wife looking after him should help a lot to which he replies it does!

That night she sent a long text saying how she would miss him. He didn't reply.

Anyway its eating me up that she's probably going to throw herself at him when they go out but as he appears to be handling it should I keep shtum? Or should I ask him what she's like a few days before and mention I saw her blowing kisses and flirting?

OP posts:

adora1 · 14/10/2016 12:35

Why is he going for dinner with a woman he has nothing more to do with, she was only ever a work colleague.

I am sorry but he should not be meeting her for two reasons, the one above and also it's blatantly obvious she's offering herself on a plate to him and they are going for a cosy dinner, I don't think so.

AnyFucker · 14/10/2016 12:40

where have you gone, op ?

HuskyLover1 · 14/10/2016 13:01

Whilst he's dealt with the situation ok so far, it is obvious she's flirting, so if he actually arranges to go for that dinner with her, I'd be telling him not to come home.

2rebecca · 14/10/2016 13:04

I wouldn't be wanting him going out to dinner with her. She should take a female friend. She obviously fancies him and this is going beyond advice from a colleague. He isn't at work at the moment so has no reason to contact her. She is being extremely unprofessional considering she works for HR.
I would discuss it with him.

HarmlessChap · 14/10/2016 13:32

With the ipads linked he knows you can see the texts so isn't hiding anything. Next time a text comes through I would comment that she's a bit full on, that way he knows that you have seen what she is like but are not telling him what to do so clearly trust him to manage the situation.

It is tricky as her behaviour is out of order but since she is going through a rough patch and they have previously been friends he may well be concerned about her and confident that he can stop it escalating. It can be difficult to drop a friend when they are at their most vulnerable even if logic tells you it's for the best.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 14/10/2016 13:41

Agree with Anyfucker

don't drag it out.

Matrixreloaded · 14/10/2016 13:47

Actually I don't think he's handling it correctly at all. He's still having conversations with her , he hasn't shut it down and he's going to dinner with someone who he knows is interested in him. Basically it's a date. This is heading towards an affair in plain sight.

How many of us would honestly engage this sort of thing unless we were interested?

IreallyKNOWiamright · 14/10/2016 14:01

Agree with another poster all of you go to dinner or invite her for dinner. You will then be able to watch how uncomfortable she feels being with both of you in your own home, wirh her current behaviour.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 14/10/2016 14:02

Whilst he's hardly achieved villain status I don't think he's being any hero either! Drinks with a work mate after you've left a company is one thing, but dinner? DINNER?? Perhaps it's me, but is that really normal? Or does it just seem more okay because he ramped her down from dancing to "just" dinner? Odd.

He seems to have pulled it back since then, or perhaps regretted it, or maybe just realised his naivety; who knows; but he hasn't shut it down has he? You WOULD totally shut it down though, wouldn't you. It's not like he has to see her every day at work so doesn't want to rock the boat or fall out or whatever; you'd shut it down! I'd say a little bit of him might be indulging the fantasy....

MissMargie · 14/10/2016 14:08

I think he is keeping her at arms length very well.

Why don't you come up with an excuse to drop him off and pick him up from the dinner - very generous of you so he can have a glass or two of wine!!
If you know when it is, arrange to be nearby having a drink/ cinema/ or whatever with a friend. Or perhaps you can suggest you all meet up nearby after his meal for a drink or two - you'd love to meet his old colleague, after all

mouldycheesefan · 14/10/2016 14:17

But suggesting you pick him up or drop him off for the dinner, makes it look like it's fine for him to go. It's not fine, it's going on a date when you are married. I wouldn't play games about it. He doesn't go, he cuts contact end of. Who cares if she is going through a rough time, he is not her emotional support!

Laiste · 14/10/2016 14:33

I'm all for total honesty in a relationship. I'd be saying ''i've noticed this woman is obviously trying to get in your pants DH, why are you still talking with her?''.

If the situation was the other way around DH would expect me to shut the relationship down once it became obvious the attention from the other party was sexual.

AnyFucker · 14/10/2016 15:25

What sort of sap gives their spouse a lift for a date with a member of the opposite sex ?

adora1 · 14/10/2016 15:32

Lol at AF - brutal honesty, love it.

AmeliaJack · 14/10/2016 15:37

Why on earth haven't you discussed this with your DH?

I'm assuming he's fine with you reading his email? (Not a dig, my DH is)

I suggest that this meal should be cancelled or if he needs not to burn any bridges professionally it should be widened to be a group meal.

And he should drive.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 14/10/2016 15:39

Yep, the game has changed now she has shown her cards. No way would my partner be going on a 'date' with her.

If my DP had got those texts I would have expected him to show me straight away. We use each others phones and often reply to texts for each other if driving etc. He would probably bottle it and ask me to reply.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 14/10/2016 15:43

I suggest that this meal should be cancelled or if he needs not to burn any bridges professionally it should be widened to be a group meal.

I'm genuinely interested; have any professional bridges ever been burnt by not going on a privately-organised one-on-one meal with an ex-colleague of the opposite sex who has been sending you increasingly flirtatious messages - knowing you're married - after you've left your position??

AmeliaJack · 14/10/2016 17:54

eatsleep

The fact that she's apparently unprofessional and flirty does not mean that she is necessarily without contacts/power/influence with in her industry.

She's in HR, the OP's DH could well wish to return to that company at some point.

Maintaining a good reputation within your industry often requires some political manoeuvring.

I've said that I would cancel the meeting but that's not always possible. If he feels the dinner can't be cancelled without causing difficulties then expanding the attendees would be a face saving way of resolving the situation for all concerned.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 14/10/2016 19:10

I wasn't quibbling with your position Amelia, I was genuinely interested if people thought that was likely. I've always worked in industries which require professional manoeuvring, but if ever I felt I needed to essentially go on a date with someone for professional advantage I don't think that's something I'd do!

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 14/10/2016 19:12

PS I think your solution of a group dinner is a good one, not least because the OP's DH could pass it off as that being what he expected it to be all along!

AnyFucker · 14/10/2016 19:15

op has done one, people

user1471545174 · 14/10/2016 19:22

I'd be frank with DH and if dinner was still on, go along to it.

Bucket of cold water needed.

Hahahollie · 14/10/2016 20:10

OP I'd be extremely watchful. I saw a similar series of messages between my DP and OW - him trying to bat her away. Little did I know that a year previously it was him all over. Be careful as women rarely pursue men aggressively unless they have been led on.

AmeliaJack · 14/10/2016 21:05

Eat thanks for the clarification.

chocz · 24/10/2017 18:54

As someone who has been a HR director I am appalled.

I have supported many people through many issues including redundancy and I have very good contacts which I have often passed on or managed to help people secure new work if they are out at risk. I am also very aware that my role comes with it with a degree of authority and power.

I am really disgusted that she would act like this, especially as redundancy can be a vulnerable time for some.

OP discuss with your husband immediately.

Really appalling behaviour for someone who worked in HR.

Flip

1 2