Only with partner for the kids

[hutch100uk]

So I've been with my partner for about 15 years now. Its not been the smoothest of relationships and I think, looking back, he's never treated me very well. We have 2 children (youngest is 3) and I can definitely say I'm only with him for the kids. We nearly split up about 5 years ago but my oldest son was so badly affected by it, I changed my mind. Things did improve after that and we had another.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, we have just bought a brand new house - although deep down I knew this was a mistake, I did it for stability for the kids (as we had been renting so moving house a lot). My partners behaviour has been unbearable since we moved in due to all the issues we have had. He;s a very angry person who constantly criticises me.
I just feel trapped now because there is no way we could sell the house as we would make a massive loss. I know he wouldn't leave either if I asked him.
I've thought about going to relationship counselling on my own to see if I can get things in perspective (I wouldn't take him as it would be a waste of time). How have I managed to get myself into this situation??

I just feel trapped now because there is no way we could sell the house as we would make a massive loss.

Weigh up the financial loss, against the loss of your happiness and a life lived as you want it.

Which is more important to you?

Counseling on your own is a good idea. The counselor will help you sort out your needs and your priorities, so that you can make the best choice for you.

You sound ground down after years of unhappiness. You deserve a fuller life than that, you know.

I know what you mean about financial loss but we owe my parents money for the deposit so that would have to be paid back.

I also know I deserve to be happy but I do worry that is at the cost of my kids happiness.

I think trying the counselling might be a good idea.

I can tell you straight that you are making your kids no favour at all. I would agree with you that a split is bad for young ones, especially if they are not aware of the problems. However, in the long run, your problems are going to affect them as well and in that lies the real danger of you staying together for the kids. Believe me when I say I have seen this before - you think you can be a good parent, but all of the problems and issues will catch up and prevent this. It is not a good thing for children at all to live in a family like this. Looking back ... I much prefer if my parents had divorced than making me live through the daily arguments and fights.

Children growing up in an unhappy marriage will only go on to reproduce that unhappiness in their own adult lives, as that is the model they will have imprinted.

Many posters here will confirm that, out of painful personal experience.

So you are sacrificing their long term happiness as well as your own.

Your children are absorbing the lessons of this marriage, they are learning that mothers put up with being abused and belittled... and that the happiness of mum is not important, and must be subjugated to the needs of a man. Husbands are more important than wives.

You could teach them, by example, to find their own power and make themselves a priority and have self esteem and personal boundaries.

You aren't to blame for being abused but you get to choose what happens next. You can react differently, move into another room, stop skivvying for him, speak to Women's Aid. You do your children a disservice by continuing like this.

Go to counselling and see whether you can find the line in the sand.

Go to counselling. People are saying 'marriage'. Are you married? If you are not, please, please, please do what you can to make yourself as financially viable as possible in your own right.

What a terrible burden to put on your children - "I stayed in this god awful relationship and was dreadfully unhappy, for you".

In what way was your son badly affected?

You'd be better putting your energies into how you can mininise the impact of a split on your children now, rather that how you can continue to put up with unbearable behaviour (which will probably do far more long term damage to your children in their attitudes towards relationships).

There is no way your relationship is not affecting your kids, it must be very upsetting for you also, a person that criticises is a bully, your children are learning that men are bullies and it's normal.

Do the right thing by you and them and make plans to split, you should be able to sell the property for the same price you bought it no?

I wouldn't care about the finances, it wouldn't be enough to make me stay with any person that made me feel crap.

how is forcing your kids to live in the presence of an angry man giving them a stable loving home?

I dont think it is - "staying for the kids" is fine if you get on well and are nice and pleasant to each other and modelling a good relationship even if it isn't total lovey dovey...

but modelling angry bitter argumentative?

how is that good? either for you for him or for dc?

go to counselling alone.

Staying for the children alone is rarely if ever a good idea and in your case a particularly bad one.

What did you learn about relationships yourself when growing up?.

What do you want to teach them about relationships?. What do you think they are learning here from the two of you by seeing this dysfunctional role model on a daily basis?. They are learning that women tolerate and put up with abuse from their man (is that what you yourself learnt when growing up) along with them learning that a loveless relationship such as yours is their norm too.

You cannot and must not use these children as glue to bind you and this man together.

What is more important to you; a financial hit or a life lived as you want it to be for you and your children.

I would be seeking the counsel of Womens Aid in your particular circumstances.

Do get some counselling for yourself.Dealing with an angry partner is just draining and having a place to explore what happening will help you cope.

The finances always look bleak but could you try a separation for a period of time? I know when we moved into a house rows escalated for lots of reasons and rather than being a team we pulled apart.

You will decide to leave when it's right for you.I would recommend mindfulness to help you tune out some of his aggression.

Thanks for all the replies (had internet problems so just reading them now). I know everyone is right about it not being good for the kids in the long run. I'm just angry at myself for burying my head in the sand and thinking buying this lovely house would improve life at home.

I know happiness is more important than money, but not when you owe your parents a lot. We would struggle to sell the house now as its brand new and they are building the next phase now. No-one will want to pay full price for a 2nd hand home when there are brand new ones.

I can't see a way around this other than agreeing to live separately while living under the same roof until circumstances change. We did this about 5 years ago and although it wasn't great, at least there were no rows/arguments.

I'm definitely going to get in touch with Counselling too just to get things clear in my head. Oh and we're not married by the way, although not sure that really matters anyway. The house is in joint names.