Sex counselling for DH

[BlueRunner]

I'm posting here after a suggestion on a Conception thread. I'd love some advice from people who've tried sex counselling - did it work? How did you find a counsellor, via GP or another route? How do you choose a good one?

Back story, DH & I have been together 9 years & our sex life is pretty non existent. DH was 36 when we met & had never had sex with anyone. He is very confident socially & had snogged & groped a lot of previous girls but froze in bed. He has trouble getting & maintaining an erection & also trouble finishing. We managed to get things a bit better, to the point where we now have 2 lovely DCs through a mix of long, hard work sessions & turkey basting...

But we're now hoping for DC3 & to be honest you could whistle for one. Life with small children has taken its toll & DH now can't get an erection at all. I've also lost interest over the years in the fun side, he makes me so sore & cramped legs & is totally focused on himself so there's v little in it for me. I rather dread sex now but I would love a baby & the fact we're TTC is putting the pressure on him. He's never sought any professional advice, other than when we first met he thought his foreskin was too tight & I sent him to his GP to get checked - it was fine. So I've no idea whether his problem is more physical or mental.

So what to do? I suspect the best way to get a baby is the softly softly approach, reducing the pressure while keeping track of the best days to BD. But I'm also really sad about the loss of fun & after 9 years I would love some outside help as I don't think we can manage between ourselves to get a good sex life. It doesn't have to be amazing but just good enough! I haven't talked to him about seeing a GP again or counselling but I think I have to build up the courage. Any thoughts please? Thank you!

If you can wait before TTC I suggest that you put it on hold for a while so you can take the pressure off and allow space for you to rekindle some intimacy.

If he is open to the idea I suggest you get couple's counselling with someone who has experience in sex therapy. They will probably suggest that you try the sensate focus approach. You could also look it up and do it yourselves, although for many people it's helpful to have the counselling sessions for advice along the way.

The principle of sensate focus is to take things very very gradually and to help both partners feel safe and relaxed so they are able to enjoy being intimate again.

You might find some of this helpful?
www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-sex/sex-common-problems

Have you just thought about him asking for viagra to help him get and keep erections? Clearly he has a lot of issues around sex - or is possibly asexual or low-libido? But maybe if the basic mechanics were working reliably, he'd gain confidence?

Relate offer sex therapy as well as couples counselling so worth contacting them OP

It sounds more likely to be a psychological issue to me. Viagra might help him "perform" but it wouldn't fix the root cause.

Ummm... I know it's bad form to refer to a poster's other threads but I had a quick look and it seems that sex isn't the only problem, is it? In which case I think you definitely need couple's counselling to address the other issues before you can even start to work on the sex. Relate would do a general relationship "health check" before going ahead with sex therapy and I think in your case they would recommend more general counselling.

I have to be honest and say I'd be worried that a third child would make things worse, not better - sorry x