dh not coping with this situation

[offtosaturn22]

Dh has been caring for mil since fil died around 10 years ago. At first, it consisted of visiting her and doing diy etc. She then became too frail to live in the house, so he moved her to our area and she was set up in a ground floor flat.

He continued to care for her - shopping, cleaning, medicines, GP visits, phonecalls, diy etc. He visited most days. He did a really good job of supporting her.

Sil lives in another european country and visits several times a year. She is in daily phone contact with mil. She no longer visits at Christmas and we're expected to have mil then.

We have had to limit things over the years due to caring for mil. Holidays, Christmas, moving to another part of the country etc. Dh's responsibilities are never far from our minds and he is effectively 'on call' 24/7. When we did go on a break, she kept contacting dh and we ended up arguing.

Mil had a fall and has now had to go into a care home. She is very elderly and frail. This appears to have triggered some sort of change in dh. I suspect it is driven by guilt He no longer appears to be able to cope with visiting her and doesn't want to take her out anywhere. He seems to have run out of steam and is very anxious about the situation. He doesn't cope at all well with having constant demands put on him. He obviously has some mental health difficulties, but doesn't want any treatment.

Sil is becoming increasingly frustrated with Dh's lack of motivation. He visits between 1-2 times a week. Sometimes it takes him a couple of days to psych himself up to go, then, when he arrives home, he is withdrawn and exhausted. I can see the strain it's putting on him and don't know what to do.

Mil has severe anxiety and possible ocd. This has never been treated in the past, but she is now on some medication. She regards dh as a carer and has a different relationship with him compared to his sister. Visiting mil is quite draining and tense. She doesn't like being in the care home, but she can hardly walk and becomes confused, so she needs to be there for her own safety. I find her to be quite needy and clingy and I find it stressful to visit. Being autistic, I find being in the company of others very draining in itself. I go to work and look after the house and dcs and that's about it.

Our home situation is that I have aspergers, as does ds2. Ds1 is under CAMHS for a severe phobia and has had behavioural difficulties in the past. We've had an exhausting time raising him, but he's doing okay now. Ds2 gets bullied at school and is on antidepressants (he's only 11). We have no friends or relatives or any kind of support. Dh is an introvert and has poor energy levels - he may be depressed, I don't know. I have depression and take antidepressants for this problem.

I don't know what to do about this situation. I hate to see dh being so affected by it and his sister doesn't seem to understand. I have explained to her that dh is struggling, but she can't understand why. I'm scared that he makes himself ill with all the worrying. He would really like sil to take mil to live in her country, but don't know if this would be possible. I worry that he's going to have a heart attack or a stroke or something. He also worries about ds2 and gets upset when he's bullied.

I'm scared that a family falling out is on the horizon

Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.

Maybe your husband could go to the care home half an hour before lunch or dinner is served so he knows he's only going to be there for a short and specific amount of time? Or he could take you or one of the kids with him to help make conversation and take the focus off him a bit. Or take in a newspaper or a woman's weekly mag to read through and do a crossword with her (my grandmother has dementia but this is still very possible.) Or old family photos to look at or a piece of schoolwork one of your sons did well on. Having something like that that he knows he can talk about might make him feel better before he goes in. Or he could take in a small plant or some flowers or a new photo to put up to start the visit off nicely and create a decent atmosphere.

Talk to the care home staff about the phone stuff. Also, even though it is tense and horrible and you are autistic, I think it would be really lovely if you could manage to take over the occasional visit - once every three weeks, maybe. Hope things improve for you. It's a very hard situation.

I get that you are autistic but your dh sounds at breaking point. Time to step up.

We have had similar issues with fil.
He started with carers visiting him at home, would refuse them doing anything then call dh literally the moment they left the house to go and wash/feed/whatever him.
In the end, dh left a note in his care plan folder asking that if he refused a meal that they made a sandwich or similar that he could help himself to at any point.

Now he's in an assisted living flat and it started again.
Dh met with the manager and pointed out that fil is paying a huge amount of money for the caring aspect of this (he chose this place himself) and that they can't ring him every time fil refuses a wash etc.

It is a little better now, but not much tbh.
Dh said he got judgy looks from the carers when pointing out that these things are their job and that the whole point of him being there is that we can be his family and not his carers, but all they see is a man that can't talk or walk, and we see a man that made and continues to make choices that have forced his disabilities on him (smoking 60 a day after heart attacks and many strokes, overeating to the point of obesity and diabetes) and still repeatedly called dh when he was told that dh had been warned his job was at risk.

Sometimes you have to remember that being old and ill doesn't mean that someone can't also be selfish.

It is so important that you retain your family time, and that sick elderly parents don't become such a drain that you run out of energy totally.

Feel for you - different dynamics here, but we're finding it all very wearing.

I hated visiting my man in her care home. It made her cry, it made me cry. I would miss visits which would just make me feel worse, but sometimes I just couldn't go. And I totally understand the building up to visiting thing.

Your poor DH needs his sister to either stop expecting more from DH or to step up and do more. Either she comes home regularly and takes over all MIL duties for the time she is here or she backs off and lets your DH do it his way.

As for the other family issues you're facing, it sounds like you need something to change. Write down all of your options. For everything. You don't need to actually act on them but if you can see the options clearly laid out it can help you to see what you could do to make a change.

for you- I hope something improves soon

So is your MIL staying in the care home? If so, then good, it sounds like she needs 24 hour care and that takes a lot of the practical pressure off your DH. If she's not asking for the staff to help with everyday tasks like dressing, washing, etc then your DH (together with you, if he simply cannot cope with it himself), need to arrange a meeting with the manager of the care home to detail exactly what help she needs and arrange for staff to go and help her with those tasks each day. She can't be calling your DH and complaining about lack of support when support is the push of a call button away. The care home needs to take the initiative, but perhaps they don't want to do that unless they have your explicit instruction to do so? At this point, I'd make sure they know what they are expected to do with regard to care for MIL.

As for your DH, poor man, it sounds like he's buckling under the strain of 10 years caring for his needy, demanding DM. And who wouldn't? I'm not surprised he's struggling with his own MH issues. Please urge him to see his GP. If necessary, call up and make the appointment for him and agree to accompany him, even if you sit in the waiting room while he goes in. This is a case of him putting on his own life jacket before he helps others. He cannot be of assistance to MIL, you, your DC unless he's taking care of himself and his own needs.

Sounds like your MIL is used to getting her own way. She's had your DH dancing to her tune for years, to the eventual detriment of his mental health. May be he should have took a step back a while ago, after all, many elderly people can well afford cleaners, taxis etc, but just don't want to pay! My own DM ended up on antidepressants and blood pressure medication under similar circumstances.
Eventually she took the bull by the horns and stopped answering calls from my gran in the home. There were carers there, she wasn't in need or danger. She just 'expected' family to continue to jump. Your MIL's wants come way down the list in the family situation you describe. It isn't sustainable.

Definitely talk to the care home manager and staff. Did you fill in a form about your MIl when she moved in? her likes and dislikes, what she likes to eat, personality, etc? I did one for MIL when she moved into a home last year and it was good -the care home staff and her key worker read it and so they know how best to handle her.

If she's on electronic devices etc to FaceTime you in the middle of the night, tell the staff. They should be able to ensure that devices are switched off/taken away if she's not using them appropriately.

She is being looked after. Your dh doesn't need to be in charge of her/responsible for her any more.

Sounds like he needs to go to the GP and tell him how he's feeling so he can get appropriate treatment for anxiety - pills, counselling, whatever.
Does she have dementia?

He needs to speak to the care home manager and clarify the boundaries and your limitations . How can she FaceTime at all hours, should she have access to equipment at night or is there a way of them controlling it. She comes acts as confused if not controlling. It is as if he is waiting for someone to tell him it is ok not to visit or be her first port of call.

She doesn't appear to have dementia as such. She becomes confused if she has an infection and she gets 'muddled' and has some short term memory loss, not dementia though.

Dh is still sat downstairs, having not visited, painting Warhammer models. He says he might visit later on. It's becoming a phobia or something.

She needs to be stopped from contacting you. Either her access to the device needs to be limited or her wifi needs to be turned off (obviously the former if she is using a phone). You need to speak to the care home about this. It's not acceptable for the fact that she is in a care home not to result in respite for your DH.

Your DH sounds depressed to me. Apathy is a common symptom. It sounds like he's just worn down and burnt out from all these years of being her carer. Its common for someone to cope while they have to, then fall apart once the responsibility is taken over by someone else - in this case, the care home - or at least it would be if they would do their job and take care of her so he could relax. They may not be aware of her contacting you continually though - either that or they may not realise what a burden it has become. Either way, communication with the car home (this could be done over the phone, if that's easier), should hopefully bring about resolution of the issue.

Is she a good Mother? Would it help if the staff told her that DH is going to have see a Dr as he is so very stressed that she won't let them help her?

Or could you say it to her? Guilt her into it. Would that work?

My parents are both in a care home and ring me with things that they want to happen. I currently visit around 5 out of 7 days per week.

I used to ring the care home immediately and then call my Dad on his mobile to tell them what was happening but now I tell them to pull the pull cord and ask for help. They are paying a huge fortune for this care are are capable of asking.

Also, unfortunately I wasn't always getting the full story so when I called to ask for whatever it was that they wanted it had already, for example, been promised in a few mins time or had already happened and they'd forogotten.

Be aware that she IS allowing the staff to help her as otherwise how is she managing? You and DH together need to have a formal meeting with the CH manager to explain the problem. Go with him to support him.

Yes, she's been a good mother. She's a nice enough person.

He's not going to visit today. I've spoken to him again about going to see the doctor. He's currently fallen asleep on the lounge floor.

He agrees that a meeting at the care home is the way to go.

Can he cut down the visits to once a week? She is safe and looked after at the home, he now needs to take care of himself.