Perspective needed on relationship

[GentleOnMyMind]

I have been with boyfriend for a few years, everything going well and we are planning to live together.

The weekend before last he went away with the boys to a festival, they left on Friday and he took his own car as he planned to come home on the Sunday whilst the others were staying til Monday. Anyway, he didn't come home on the Sunday and didn't answer his phone or reply to my text. Ever since I've had a bad feeling.

Sunday just gone, I was tidying up and I picked up what I thought was his old phone to put it away and it lit up when I touched it, it was his current phone, ashamedly I had a look (please don't flame me, this is out of character for me) I can see he met a girl at the event and has been texting her. The messages are quite general, he asked her did she get home safely and stuff. I felt so guilty I put it straight back without checking call log or other messaging apps they could be using.

I should probably add at this point every relationship I have ever had has ended with me being cheated on so maybe I am overthinking this but I was happy for him to go away and wasn't worried at the time, only now. Oh god just writing this makes me think I must be a terrible person as nobody stays with me.

I asked him if he met someone or if anything happened and he just said No I am with you.

What would you think? Please be kind. I feel awful.

[GentleOnMyMind]

Yes cocoa that is right it's two separate weekends.

He can look through my phone at any time if he needed to with or without my consent as I have nothing to hide. If he was worried I'd cheated and it was causing him distress I especially wouldn't care.

Kitty - He is free to dump me at anytime and I will have to live with it. I have said I believe the relationship is over, splitting up is just a formality now. I know I have gone too far. This is what happens when people snoop but people never snoop for the fun of it, there's usually a good reason.

As for bad decisions, maybe or maybe not. Each guy has never seemingly been the type to cheat and friends and family, mine and theirs, have been shocked by it.

Thanks all for your replies.

[GentleOnMyMind]

That makes sense pocket.

[Booboopidoo]

I don't think you've gone too far Gentle, I think what you've done is perfectly understandable in the circumstances. Whatever his relationship/intentions are with this woman he has lied to you about meeting someone and I don't think anyone should feel bad for protecting themselves against the damage being deceived by someone we should be able to trust can do.

If this relationship is over it's because he lied not because you snooped, he created that mistrust not you. You must do what you feel is right for you but I would want irrefutable evidence and would try to hold it together and keep an eye on things for a little longer before confronting him. There's nothing worse than knowing in your heart there is more to something but not having anything concrete to prove it and then being lied to some more when you ask your partner about it.

[GentleOnMyMind]

That's what I plan to do Boo, if I can. As much as I have said here it is probably over I want to hold out for proof. Or an unlikely confession. That may seem crazy to some but in my experience, if you know for sure someone has cheated on you, you can find that inner anger which ultimately helps you get over that person quicker and in time move on.

[Joysmum]

I totally agree. Cheating on the relationship is deliberately not telling your partner about something because you know it falls outside their boundaries of acceptable behaviour.

For the record, I snooped in the early times with my DH and both of us are bloody glad I did. I learnt I could trust, he learnt that it wasn't personal, just that I was so damaged I'd trusted before and so couldn't trust my own judgement. He thought I was worth it and knew it wasn't something I was doing because I was a bad person, just self preservation.

If I hadn't snooped I would never had trusted and we wouldn't be 23 years on and have total faith in one another.

[GentleOnMyMind]

Update - I didn't look at his phone again, although the opportunity was there. Things have been very strained, he has been pre-occupied, dismissive, no eye contact, finding excuses to sleep on the sofa etc. On Friday morning I'd had enough and said we would need to talk as things have not been good since he went away on that boy's weekend.

On Friday evening and over the weekend he wouldn't answer my calls, we should have spent Saturday till Monday morning together. Yesterday he was due to go away on business for 2 weeks, I think he was hoping to ghost me. I went over to his place to find out what was happening and he just said his head is a mess at the minute and he doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore.

All along it has been him pushing for us to move in together and he was keen for us to start a family.

I wonder why he didn't just end it. Maybe he is hedging his bets incase it doesn't work out with the other woman.

So it's over. I can't bring myself to tell anyone. I just can't believe it.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Tell everyone. As soon as possible. He has been a shit. Don't let him tell his version first. Tell people. Get the benefit of their sympathy and support and shocked faces. Moping and stewing on your own is the absolute worst.

[ButIbeingpoor]

I wholeheartedly agree with RunRabbit.
Tell everyone. It helps with accepting the end of your relationship.

[GentleOnMyMind]

Thank you for replying. I know you are right, it's just telling people makes it real. I will see Dm tomorrow, I will start with her.

[Shayelle]

Sorry Gentle it all sounds really horrible, but at least you know why. You have the truth. Its a huge shock to you but you know the real reason for it all. Cut him off completely if you can. Good luck x