DF called me fat. Again.

[teenytinypontypine]

He has form for this - he is often quite bodyshaming to me and my DSis, holding us up to unrealistic ideals of thinness, making little digs about weight etc. But it is always said in quite a jokey way and if we get annoyed about it, he says he's only joking, gives a little hug, it gets glossed over. He has had significant problems with depression and low confidence/self-esteem himself and I know that I for one have definitely trodden on eggshells a little bit to avoid causing him upset. Though he doesn't extend the same courtesy to me.

He and DM have been visiting for a couple of days from the other end of the country. There have been a couple of little things, like pointing out how lovely and slim people like Kate Middleton and Posh Spice are even after having a few kids, which I know is directed at me without it having been made explicit. And this morning he looked at my belly and said "are you SURE you aren't expecting again?!" - I was on my way out to work, so I told him to bugger off but again kinda glossed over it and left. They have left to go back home now and I might not be seeing them again until Xmas.

I am so annoyed with him constantly holding us up to some ridiculous idea of femininity and beauty which involves being a stick insect. FWIW I am 5ft 5in, weigh 10st and wear a size 10-12. NOT FAT. I want so badly to absolutely blow my top with him, but worry that it will then make our relationship awkward forever. But if I try the gentle "you know you have really upset me..." chat, I worry that he knows he has some power over me and will continue to niggle at me or even ramp it up.

Ugh. Family eh.

Disgraceful behaviour by him

I suggest you read a book on assertiveness to find an approach that would suit you - there are several ways of dealing with this

For myself, I would be inclined to tell him that this is totally unacceptable. And when he says "only joking" I would say that it isn't funny. Tell him he should be supporting you not criticising you

I'd bluntly say " stop picking at nothing, just because your self esteem is shot to shit doesn't mean you can have a go at me".

Yes that will upset him but he's a bully and he needs to be shown if you really won't put up with it. I sympathise, I am low contact with my dad due to him being an arse.

I actually love runrabbit's idea of totally ignoring him. Just pretend you didn't hear - cut over him and change the subject. Sweet.

My DF has always called me elephant legs.... I'm 40 and could count on all my fingers the amount of times I've worn a dress!!!
These things dig deep!

DM has form for being rude about things like this (although to be fair I actually am fat!) and I've started to make it clear that it's not acceptable. Often I just stand up and leave the room when she makes a comment but I have also said at the time that I'd prefer it if she didn't say things like that. I would email your parents a BMI chart saying "My weight is medically healthy. I don't want to hear comments like that again."

Every time he says it, state 'rude unkind man. You'd think a father would know better'

My father asked me how much I weighed (similar height & weight to you) & I just said to him 8 ¼ stone. That shut him up & he hasn't asked me again. It completely through him. Can you & your sister do the same? Both come up with clearly outrageous lies about your weight & if he challenges you tell him it's none of his business.

Unless he really looks incredibly fit and handsome, I'd make a joke:... Guess I inherited your genes, or : maybe you can share your secrets of eternal youth and beauty? Or just say: I'm perfectly happy with my body, if you don't like it that's your own problem dad.

But I understand it's very hard to deal with such bullies after all these years... it may come down to just seeing less of him

Or ask him why he feels the need to put you down and it's obviously more to do with his own personal issues as your bmi is perfect

You need to have a talk, not a chat, but a talk with your DF.
You can do that, you're an adult now and the kind of things he is saying is nothing short of bullying imo.
You say he doesn't realise he's doing it. Then make him realise. I reckon he knows exactly what he's saying - and all under the guise of 'joking' .
Stand up for yourself more. Have a face to face talk. And if you're only seeing him next at Christmas time, then the chat should be before the 25th of Dec

It might be that he is not aware of just how much he is hurting you. My DH comes from a family where a lot of communication is by teasing. Working to convey to him just how hurtful this behavior is is an uphill struggle.

I am not sure I know what the route through would be for you, but you definitely do not have to put up with these comments. For what it's worth, your current body shape and size are not relevant. It is how you feel that is important.

Someone else suggested looking into resources in assertiveness. I second this suggestion. Some people handle bullying type behaviour by responding with something equally insulting, but this tit-for-tat type thing does not sit well with me, so I flounder around helplessly and cry later look for different strategies.

My Dm is like this. It's really frustrating and hurtful and has totally fucked up my ideas of healthy weight/size/lifestyle. I feel for you OP. I told my mother quite clearly a few years ago that I did not want to talk about my weight with her at all and if she mentioned it again I would be going NC. It shut her up, but not her "voice" in my head every time I look in a mirror, step on a scale, eat or skip the gym.

A few options. ...

● Ignore him. Totally ignore like you can't hear him.

● Say ... yes dad. I'm expecting quads this time.

● "You won't be seeing me (or my family) anytime soon if you keep this up dad"

● it's a joke to you only and I don't find it funny. So stop.

You aren't fat. Even if you were he's not saying it in a helpful way, so he needs to belt up or risk being ignored.

Just have to measure how to do it without causing upset. His mental health really is relatively fragile and I do worry that if he feels I am attacking him he will shut away into himself and get all awkward.

Of course it will upset him! Bullies hate being called out on their behaviour. But that shouldn't stop you: you have the right to make your feelings known, and it he is upset by that, that is his issue to deal with.

It's pretty clear that he is one of those people who tries to shore up his own self-esteem by putting other people down. You and your sister are more highly educated and outwardly successful than he is, so he is cutting you down to size in whatever way he can.

It's not acceptable and you don't have to stand for it.

"Dad, that's mean."

"I don't want to hear comments about my weight."

"You're criticising my appearance. That hurts me. Stop making those kind of comments."

What does your DM say to all this? What shape is she?

You & your sis are clearly not fat - it is him with the problem. Ignoring would be my approach.

My DF is EXACTLY like this. I have tried being reasonable. I have tried showing him how upset it makes me. I have tried ignoring him. The rest of the family keep telling me he is too old to change and that he means well (like fuck he means well, he's a nasty self-centred bully).

I no longer speak to him as a result of his behaviour. Not for myself but because I don't want him to bully my daughters and undermine their self-esteem the way he did mine. Just be prepared for the possibility that he might never change OP.

Tell him you won't be seeing them at Christmas or at any other time soon if he doesn't change his behaviour.

Personally I'd call him on it. Something along the lines of:

'I've told you before you are being hurtful. Why would you want to keep hurting me like this as I'd never allow anyone to do this s to my child'.

If he then down plays it, you can retort with:

'I wasn't lying before when I told you your comments were upsetting and I'm not lying to you now. As you now understand, I don't expect this to come up a third time.'

My mother was the worst narcissist ever, constantly causing trouble and pain and being awful, and I was a doormat with her, but I did not let her get away with telling me I was fat. (I'm almost exactly the same build as you, by the way, so not fat at all.) One day she said to me 'You're getting a fat stomach' and I somehow managed to say to her 'Don't be rude about my appearance or I'll say similar things to you.' It terrified her. She never said anything like it again. And I was just as scared of her/worried about causing trouble as you are with your DF. I think when a crushed little worm talks back it is truly terrifying to a manipulative bully.

Oh I know how that feels OP. My own father has a really funny sense of humour (?) too. When I was pregnant with DS1 and he hadn't seen me for a year or so the first thing he said was "Oh your hair looks a mess". Really? That's the first and only time he's seen me pregnant (got 3 dcs) and I'd made a real effort heavily pregnant to dress up for a Christmas family get together with the side I'm really not close to and that's the first thing he says. He has NEVER said anything positive about or to me and has a really annoying habit of telling me how my two half brother's wives are really beautiful.

The Christmas incident happened five years ago and I still feel really hurt by it and wish I'd told him to fuck off.