Double standards over silly things

[newusernametoday]

I have noticed this a lot with my DP. One rule for him, one for anyone else.

We eat breakfast together. He stands preparing his breakfast in the way of the kettle, the fridge or anywhere else I would like to get to to prepare mine. So I wait for him to finish, then prepare mine.

If, however, I end up in the same spot first preparing mine, he is constantly saying "excuse me" whilst gently pushing me out of the way. He can't wait. I have to move out of his way.

I pointed this out this morning and he said "but I can't get to anything because you're in the way". I pointed out he stands in exactly the same place every single morning and that I simply wait for him to finish.

He then sulks throughout breakfast because I have dared to ask him to have some manners and treat me as I treat him.

Not a big deal is it?

Same with the TV, he channel hops constantly, puts what he wants on and I fit in, I don't care that much. However, if I pick up the remote and put something on I want to watch without asking him, I am accused of being selfish.

He corrected me in front of a friend at the weekend that "my" car is not "my" car, but "our" car (he paid half but the paperwork is in my name). His work truck, however, which is owned by his company is always referred to as "his" truck, never the "work truck" or "company name truck". He also has a car of his own too which I would never refer to as "our" car.

Rabbit and dontmind you make some good points. Thank you.

I recognise this behaviour in my XH, completely selfish and thinking he was more important than me. Other examples could include buying himself treats without any thought for anybody else, assuming he could get pissed at our childs christening and that I would just automatically do the tidying and driving 'but somebody had to spend time chatting to the guests'.

Does he ever say things like 'how dare you say that to me' or 'you can't speak to me like that'. I felt like a child that couldn't have an opinion. My thoughts didn't matter. His comfort and enjoyment was more important.

I'm not sure what the answer is, it's tough trying to speak up if you're used to being downtrodden. It took me a long time to get the courage to leave. The little examples similar to yours were just a fraction of generally crappy selfish behaviour. I have realised that I don't have to live like that. I would be seriously questioning the future of my relationship if I were in your shoes OP.

For those posters thinking you're OTT, it can be difficult to explain something which sounds trivial but makes you feel like shit.

Dr foxtrot, sorry to hear you've had a rubbish time. My dp doesn't behave as you've described your ex h.

He is, however, someone who really seems to struggle with seeing others points of view. Not just mine but people in general.

He was reading a book with the tv on last night. I asked him to pass the remote control and he told me he was "half watching this programme" whilst reading his book. He reluctantly handed me the remote, after saying "turn it over if you want" with a big sigh.

Did you notice that last night you were both still behaving like he was the boss of you? Firstly, he had control of the remote. You had to ask his permission to have it. He refused your request! When he finally handed it over, he did it re-inforcing that he is the boss, he has the power to grant or withhold. saying "turn it over if you want" This was topped off with a scolding by sigh. You impudent child, new

In my house if DH had done this then followed up with "turn it over if you want" and sigh there'd be some mockery of the situation. Most likely, I'd say back "Yes, doofus, I'm turning it over, that's why I needed the remote. I wasn't going to brush my hair with it." And we would both laugh.

Maybe you need to be the holder of the remote for a while. You don't have to tell him you are doing this, just make sure you have the remote control each evening so he has to ask for your compliance if he wants to change channel. Could shine a light on how much he truly believes he should be the boss of you. Any nervousness you feel about it, will shine a light on how you feel about upsetting the boss's position as top dog.

Run - you are right!

It doesn't matter how I try and assert myself, it always makes me feel that I don't quite get it right. We end up having a row because he picks up on my new "assertiveness" as something negative for him. At best he will do what happened last night and make little comments but I still end up feeling very unsettled and I can see this is why I let it go so often. I am going to try what you suggest.

Sounds so much like a dominating parent or something.
My parents are quite controlling (and still are) which is why I moved in with DP dad. I would treat them in a similar way I had my parents, ie trying to keep out of their way, doing what I could to basically be invisible and not upset them.
My DP didn't behave like me, and it was never a problem. He could make a snack whilst they were using the kitchen without any issue. I wouldn't of dared because of how I was raised. Same with TV, if my Dad was in a room, even reading the paper, on the phone or having a nap I wouldn't of turned the TV over without him being cross about it.

But I don't expect my DP to treat me like that!