How would you interpret this?

[MrsRobbStark]

Hi all, I'm sorry if this comes out a bit garbled but I'm genuinely feeling really confused right now.

DH and I have been married just over a year. It's been a fucking hard year for lots of reasons but mainly due to his behaviour when it comes to spending money and his mood swings. For the last 6 months I have felt miserable most of the time, wondering if I'd made a mistake, should I leave with the children (we have two boys, my oldest is from a previous relationship), can I really live my whole life like this. I'm only 27 (nearly) and I just didn't see my life going this way. We fell in love very quickly (I told my mum I was going to marry him after our first date) and it progressed from there. We have been together nearly 5 years in total.

So after a row soon after we got married I launched my wedding and engagement rings at him (childish I know and very unlike me). We searched high and low and although we found my engagement ring we never found my wedding ring. I was heartbroken and hated myself and went without one until DH bought me a replacement a little while ago.

Fast forward to the last few weeks and I have been feeling especially low. I love my job though and it's become my escape almost. I've met someone through work. There is an attraction there (he is single) and we have a lot in common. Nothing has happened but we would both like it to. Please don't judge me, my father had an affair and I swore I would never do that to my family. I feel disgusted with myself for feeling this way but so desperate to be happy and this man has made it clear he would be in it for the long haul and I believe him.

So this morning DH gets back for a short work meeting with a present in tow. Nothing major, just a jumper I said I had liked but it meant a lot to me he had listened and was trying to make an effort. Shortly after this I'm tidying our bedroom when something catches my eye. It's my wedding ring. The original one I lose almost a year ago. We have pulled everything out of this room in an effort to find it. I have hoovered in here almost everyday since I lost it and reorganised and found new places for most of our things more then once. How has it just turned up now? At a time when I could in theory have needed reminding of it most? Is it Woo? It seems like it to me. What the hell am I supposed to do? What if I give things another go, throw my all in again and it just goes back to the way it was?

You have only been married for one year and have a child together, don't you think you owe it to all concerned to try to make your relationship work? Long term relationships are hard work, they don't just sail along happily 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

Forget about this other man, he's probably very keen to flirt at work, but you're married with kids so he probably would be happy to have some fun, but less keen on the responsibility you would bring.

Your husband sounds quite thoughtful - buying the jumper you had mentioned was a lovely gesture you should appreciate.

The ring is neither here nor there, meaningless. There's no big karma thing happening here. Probably your guilty conscience getting the better of you.

Do the right thing by your kids and husband and stop running away from your issues. I'm sure you'd be devastated if your husband was acting like this with another woman and what you're contemplating is far worse than the examples you've highlighted about your husband, who seems to be making the effort.

You're totally right I'm what you've said and really I think I just wanted someone to tell me that. There is more to what I've said and our problems etc which would explain more why I feel the way I feel but I'm not going to drip feed or try an change your mind. I'll just take what you said on board.

I think you need to make it very clear to OM that your flirting and discussing long terms has to stop.
It's a distracting fantasy and it's not helping you at all.

If your marriage is in trouble you need to face up to this properly, by sitting and talking not having emotional affairs (and really, a back up husband waiting for you??!)

You need to look at what it is you expect from this marriage because perhaps the idea of marriage has scared you and you feel trapped - it might not even be your husband but how you feel. Do you usually run away from problems?

You two need some kind of counselling if you can't sit down and work things out.

But if you don't want to be with him then you should let him know. It's not fair on your H

behaviour when it comes to spending money and his mood swings
Will he change his behaviour?
Is he controlling with money?
Will he stop being so moody?
What happens when he is in a mood?
You have, in your own words, been miserable for half of your married life so far.
If this can be rectified then it's worth saving.
If it can't then you may need to take the decision to walk away.

Ok I kind of feel like I went about this the wrong way now. Although I don't want to shift the blame from myself (because what I thought about doing is horrendous) I think I need to make it clear that our issues aren't minor. We've talked a million times about them, there is no lack of discussion. He flat out refuses counselling. He has a major gambling addiction. He stole thousands of pounds from his parents and spent all of the money that was to pay for wedding venue etc (some of which came from my mum and dad) in the bookies and had to get his family to bale us out. I didn't know any of this until afterwards. Our disagreements about money are when he outright tells me I'm not allowed to spend any money and then I find yet another betting slip. We don't have a house of our own, we don't even rent, we live with my PIL. I didn't put any of this in the beginning because I didn't think it was relevant to what I was saying but on the other hand I don't want you all to think I just jumped ship emotionally for the first guy who looked at me because I got board or I was scared.

Hellsbellsmelons the moods are if I ask for something that I would need to spend money on, want to do something on my own or disagree with something he wants to do.

Forget about the other guy - he is just a distraction - though one that I think is telling you something, which is - get out of this marriage.

You married a gambler. And that, I'm afraid will not change. I suspect you are now realising what your future life looks like for the long term, and you don't like it. I don't blame you - a gambler will steal, lie and waste all your money.

I think what you really need to do is to try to carve out a life for yourself, not rely on men to do it for you. You have 2 sons with 2 fathers and now you're looking at another man to bail you out of an unsatisfactory life.

Think about you, what you want, what you can do for yourself and for your children. Can you move in with your parents? Can you work? (Maybe you do already?). Work towards becoming an independent person.

I work full time in a managerial role in a low paying job. However the next step up the ladder would benefit me financially loads and make life so much more secure.

My dad lives in another country so I can't stay with him, I could stay with my mum but she only has one bedroom so a bit cramped for the boys and I and we would get in her way (although she would love it). My sister lives to far from my oldest sons school.

I know you won't have meant the two kids two dad's comment unkindly but I'd just like to point out I was with my ex for most of my teenage/very young adult years and it was a horrendous relationship. He's now with another man which I think pretty much sums up why that ended.

Maybe the flirting with OM and the fantasy that comes with it is making you see only the bad side of your marriage.
See it happening all the time - temptation is very sweet and deceitful .....

You should have said all that in the beginning! You are only 27, leave him. The other man is not helping you I don't think, he is helping prop your marriage up really. 'the three legged stool'. while you are self medicating with him he is making your shit relationship tolerable. You are consoling yourself with an imaginary life with him in your head. He is a distraction from what you know you have to face up to.
Bin your husband off before he drags you down further. End your marriage properly.
Nice thought about the top tho! but I. Light of your update do you think that really is the start of a massive change? You deserve to be happy, but this other man is not the way.

.

You're married to a gambling addict, and after only a year of marriage you're having a emotional affair.

Nothing really to salvage here.

Ditch both men and spend some time working on yourself to figure out why you swing from one unsatisfactory/unsuitable relationship to another.

I think your only real option is to give your husband an ultimatum that either he seeks professional help and acknowledges that his gambling is a serious problem or you will separate. If that isn't a kick up the backside enough to make him listen at least you can feel you've tried to improve things.

The OM is a fantasy and distraction from the dispair you're probably feeling in your marriage.

Sorry if I was too harsh in my initial post.

This will be your life forever if you stay with this gambler.
Sorry but that's the crux of it.
Get yourself to CAB and find out what you would be entitled in housing, benefits, tax credits etc...
Then take it from there.
This really is no life at all for a 27 year old.
Get out there and find yourself and your new life, away from gambling and horrid men who think they have the right to dictate to you and then do the opposite themselves.
If your previous relationship was horrendous, did you get support at the time from Womens Aid?
If not then call them. I think this is the tip of the iceberg here and there could be abuse.
Have a chat with them about this and let them guide you in the best thing for you.
Definitely ask them about there Freedom Programme.

It will help you to keep away from men like this in the future.
Lift your self-esteem and help you set boundaries.
They can also point in the directly of local support services.
Got to be worth a shot?? 0808 2000 247

Indeed I did not mean to be unkind OP, but the point I'm trying to make (constructively and kindly ) is that maybe you 're not so good on picking the best blokes to have a long-term relationship with, and that you need to focus on YOU making YOU happy, not expecting a man to do that for you.

Ditch your husband and keep the other at arms length for a while. You need some space. Could a trial separation help you work out if you want to remain married? The gambling thing and money control is a huge problem and I don't think I could get past it.