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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Child born as of an affair

39 replies

mum11970 · 08/10/2016 23:59

Before my husband was divorced his wife had a child as the result of an affair. This child has been brought up by her biological mother and father apart from the first few months but my dh is listed as father on the birth certificate as he was unaware of affair at time of birth. The child is now an adult but still has wrong father on certificate. What are the legal ramifications when my husband passes away. He has two older children from that marriage and younger ones with myself.

OP posts:

Oblomov16 · 09/10/2016 12:32

Does the child know that your dh is not his father?
Do they have any dirt if relationship? Are they in contact? Can yes rhus affect the wider family? What would his 2 older sons think if he were to start proceedings to remove himself from the BC?
If so, then you need to look into this from a legal side.

Original poster

mum11970 · 09/10/2016 12:47

We are talking 20+ years ago when DNA testing wasn't common place. It's just not something, anyone involved, has given much thought to years later and why open up old wounds that have healed years since. Like I said earlier, it's only a passing comment someone happened to make that's brought it up now. Too be honest I don't see there being any problems when dh should pass away, there's no underlaying animosity involved. It will probably be forgotten again unless the child (adult now obviously) has any issues they want to pursue, which I don't forsee at this late date.

OP posts:

BaronessEllaSaturday · 09/10/2016 12:57

So it is actually possible that this child is his. I think he needs to find out for definite before even considering anything else.

HowToChooseAUserName · 09/10/2016 12:59

Too be honest I don't see there being any problems when dh should pass away, there's no underlaying animosity involved. It will probably be forgotten again unless the child (adult now obviously) has any issues they want to pursue, which I don't forsee at this late date.

You can't predict that there won't be any issues. People go crazy when money is involved. The biggest risk here is if he dies intestate and the child makes a claim on the estate. Could get nasty. Very nasty.

Gazelda · 09/10/2016 13:03

But what if the child does, for whatever reason, want to find out the definitive proof about who their father is? It must be constantly at the back of everyone's minds.

Original poster

mum11970 · 09/10/2016 13:23

If the child wants to have definitive proof at any point then a DNA test would be done but after realising a DNA test would have to be done to change the BC I think it would be best for all to just leave it as it is and deal with any problems should they arise in the future. I certainly wouldn't want to force a DNA test on anyone who is happy with the way things are. The possibility for emotional distress to the adult child is too great of a risk for anyone but that child to make. Dh is hoping for another 20+ years yet, we are only in our late 40s.
The comment I made about dh not protecting our younger children wasn't meant as a way of forcing my step children to get less inheritance, as we do have a 18 year old ourselves, who once finishes university wouldn't need as much financial help as our youngest who still a preteen.

OP posts:

Original poster

mum11970 · 09/10/2016 13:26

I started the thread late at night, when I think the mind can start playing on things. In the cold light of day and the realisation that a DNA test would HAVE to be done to change anything on the BC I think things are better left as they are. It's not as if dh would leave loads of money to argue about.

OP posts:

bloodyteenagers · 09/10/2016 13:31

The emotional distress will be easier to deal with now, rather in several years and either you feel screwed because DNA shows actually the child was his, and the distress this will cause the child. Or DNA shows actually no, child not his and the distress this causes.

HowToChooseAUserName · 09/10/2016 13:41

I think it would be best for all to just leave it as it is and deal with any problems should they arise in the future

Sorry if you have addressed this in previous posts but you definitely do need to get your DH to make a will and take advice on this.

SusanDelfino · 09/10/2016 14:03

So how do you actually know the child isn't your husbands? It now sounds like that could well be possible.

wideboy26 · 09/10/2016 14:10

As a retired lawyer, I can assure you that leaving matters as they are and dealing with problems if they arise in future is a recipe for disaster! Far better to deal with the problem - actual or potential - when identified, rather than when it becomes reality. I have just spent this morning talking to a friend who has had some building work carried out by the friend of her husband. This 'friend' got into financial difficulties while trying to do more than one job simultaneously and has used our friend's money to pay off sub-contractors he employed for the other jobs and has now run out of money to complete our friend's job. First question: did you agree anything in writing between you before starting the work? Erm...no, because he is a friend and...well...you can always sort out difficulties with a friend, can't you.

HuskyLover1 · 09/10/2016 14:14

The reality is that you have no idea who the father is, because his ExW was having sex with two men at the same time. If she hadn't been having sex with your DH, then I'm sure he would have had the gumption to guess that he couldn't be the Dad. But, he happily went on the birth certificate, so that indicates that there's every chance that he could be the biological father. Probably more chance than the other guy, as she will have been having more frequent sex with the man she lived with, than the man she got snatches of time with.

If she left your DH for the OM, it would suit her agenda to say that he (OM) was the father. Nice and neat.

I'm amazed that no DNA test was done. It's been around since 1986.

I can appreciate that you don't want to stir up anything just now. But I feel that your DC are entitled to know if they have a half sibling out there.

When your DH dies, if your survive him, then surely all his estate comes to you? And when you die, your estate would go to your DC, with the other "child" having no entitlement to whatsoever. Isn't that how it works?

liletsthepink · 09/10/2016 14:23

Make sure that his will and your will clearly reflect what you want to happen. Don't assume that this woman won't challenge the will. Do you own a property, cars, jewellery, pension or savings? It's naive to think that there won't be money left in your DH's estate unless you live on benefits or earn minimum wage.

A few hundred pounds spent on a proper will could save you many thousands of pounds and untold stress in the long run. Don't ignore this situation when there is such an obvious solution!

tribpot · 09/10/2016 19:24

I agree. The worst possible time to be sorting this all out is when your DH has just died.

I can appreciate it's not easy to say to the ex-wife 'just wondering, you know how you always said the OM was the father but my name is on the birth certificate? Was that actually correct?' but broached carefully in the context of updating wills I don't see why it should be the end of the world. The ex-wife says the child is not his. He has presumably never paid child maintenance for her or anything else that would indicate that she was any more than his children's half-sibling.

If this is remotely not the case, and he is the dad, at least let her find out whilst he's still alive. Imagine finding out after his death.

I'm surprised she's never queried his name on her birth certificate, what on earth can the ex-wife have said to justify that?

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