I think I'm in an emotional abusive relationship!

[MamaMoose1]

Hi,
Me and my husband have been together for 11 years and married for 4. I am extremely unhappy at the moment. What has really done it, was when we was discussing something that happened a few years ago, (which involved him and my son, who was aged 4 at the time) quite quickly the conversation turned on me, as it usually does, if anything negative is mentioned. He basically then told me how I was messed up and have been dealt a bad hand of cards, as my mother walked out on me at age 9 and hasn't ever really been a part of my life, even as an adult, he will never understand how those words hurt me and how cruel it was, it's something that just can't be undone, I walked away from the situation because frankly, I was so angry and upset. This morning he refused to do a few things, was arrogant towards me and when he was in the bathroom shaving, I asked him politely if I could get my make up bag out from the bathroom cupboard followed by a please, all he had to do was move to the side. He refused to move and said I didn't use the right words, because I never said 'excuse me first'. He refused until I said "Excuse me please", then he finally moved to the side, he was treating me like a child, or so it felt. I've since realised today he's controlling me and abusing me mentally, I've become very passive towards him and also I spend my days treading on egg shells and keeping hush as much as possible, he is very emotionally detached and has never been emotionally supportive of me, or his children,(he kisses us, but not in a deep emotional understanding way. These are just a few things that have happened. The thing is if I was to leave him, I don't work due to being a SAHM, so have no money, or savings that would help me. I can't live with family either.
I just don't know what to do, I feel like a broken woman today.

Dear MamaMoose, as a married person you own half of everything despite'bringing nothing in'. As a mother you and your DC would have to be housed from the family pot. There's a website called 'entitledto.com' which allows you to enter your financial details and situation and see what benefits you might get as a lone parent. Benefits are not affected by child maintenance payments as these can so easily be withdrawn by a vexatious partner. You shouldn't have to live your life on eggshells.

Speak to Women's Aid. It isn't just for people who are being abused physically. They'll help you make an exit plan.

Speak to a solicitor too. You might find you will have more money than you think.

We have only had a mortgage for 3 months, so there is no equity in the house, we were renting previously. Other than his wages, there really is no money elsewhere. I think I will call Women's Aid and see what they say, I think just talking about it, will help. Thank you for replying!

You sound lovely. And you have one precious life. It could be a wonderful life ... make decisions based on who you know you are and what would work for your kids. You won't look back.

Yes, what you describe is an abusive relationship. You sound emotionally beaten down in your posts but your rebel yell is there, gaining awareness and strength to think what you need to be brave enough to think about.

Is contact with your family impossible? Might you consider appealing for their support as an escape route, especially if this man is the root cause of your rift from them? Is it a rift or an assumption that there wouldn't be room for you and dc? Worth a try anyway? Even if things aren't rosy between you and family perhaps there's enough to work with for now?

The right wording sheesh .. when instinct and sociability alone would cause someone to move slightly if another needed to get something they were blocking ... and of course this is barely even a fraction of it all, right?

We were talking about the fact my 10 year old said he's scared of him, because of the way he was when we was younger. He then turned the conversation onto me. He can be over-strict at times with the children, like last night our younger son turned the tap on and it was coming out fast, my son was upset because he couldn't turn it of, my husband didn't even comfort him even when he was crying, I cuddled him and just said next time come and speak to mummy and daddy and we will turn the tap of for you, they do deserve better at times. This morning when he took our two older boys out he was in a mood and because they were playing with sticks and didn't listen to him the first time, he counted them down, didn't even get to three and said you're not having ice-creams now, which was over the top, he has over punished in the past. We are very different people, I'm very empathic towards people and animals, he lacks empathy and any emotional attachment, personally I think he has deep-rooted issues from a child, he was beat up by his father as a child and his father never makes the effort to contact him now, which I feel is sad. I'm petrified of being on my own with little support and no finances, raising three children, but I can't keep living like this, I'm always in tears over this and I know we deserve better. I haven't fallen out with family, but my mother has no contact, she's a selfish person, my father is lovely, but very set in his ways, as he's been on his own for 21 years,he's also older and has a small house, it would be to much for us all to live there and we have two cats too.

You don't need money to leave that's what refuges are for. You can get a job and save. Think of the long game. It's a terrible environment to bring your kids up in