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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Spousal maintenance

38 replies

Thomas66 · 07/10/2016 11:30

I'm a divorced dad of 3 boys. Currently paying £900/month in child maintenance - happy to do so. I've been paying spousal maintenance on top of the £900 so an extra £350/month since 2012. Ex wife went into full time work, 3 months after I'd agreed to pay spousal maintenance so she didn't have to go into full time work. She's now earning £55,000/annum and refuses to allow me to stop paying spousal maintenance unless I take her to Court. Any advice please would be appreciated. I guess I should "apply to vary" this in Court? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Bob19702 · 07/10/2016 13:22

SM is not linked to childrens age etc it can be paid for life ..

Cocklodger · 07/10/2016 13:26

How much would she be earning had she not had children with you and stifled her career for a few years?
If more than 55k, i'd leave it.
If 55k or less, Pursue it.

HidingFromDD · 07/10/2016 13:39

Should say first that I only really agree with spousal maintenance when the spouse has suffered financial detriment as a result of joint decisions made during marriage (eg gave up work and so would now be earning less and with poor pension etc).

You argued that as you both end up with roughly the same income once she has received CMS, then you shouldn't need to provide any more. Problem is, she has to pick up the additional expenses involved in supporting those three children that you both have. Even just the food bill is going to be significantly more than yours (and teenagers eat a lot!). So, yes, if you go to court you will probably get a reassessment, but please don't do this on the basis that it's now 'fair' unless you've factored the extra child related expenses into this.

Original poster

Thomas66 · 07/10/2016 13:59

Perhaps I should add that from the sale of the FMH, she had £125,000 and I got £15,000. Had a third of my pension, (which included the value of the pension I started 10 years before we got together) a new car, all of the furniture and I had a debt to pay of £16,000 so came out with zero equity.
I don't begrudge her having a good life at all. However, the definition of SM as I have discovered, is to alleviate financial hardship. My mention of £100/monthly gym membership, lease of a new car this month at a cost of £250/month - does not in my opinion suggest financial hardship is present. So, in effect, I'm paying for her gym membership and a brand new leased car. Perfectly happy to pay for the children at the level the CSA set - but gym and car - I don't think so.

OP posts:

Bob19702 · 07/10/2016 14:09

I was asked by my now exw to pay spousal maintenance I refused because she was working 12hrs per week and didn't want to do any more even though she could have done. I think you know what you want to do so if you both cannot agree it's back to the courts ...

hermione2016 · 07/10/2016 15:26

Do you place a value on her raising your boys? I can't imagine how stressful life must get for her with 3 teens, plus hormones and home work.

Over the course of your life will you really begrudge this? Isn't a happy and harmonious life worth more?
It feels like you do resent her lifestyle now, it's pretty to mention her spending.

I speak as an ex wife who never had cms or sm when raising a child.My brother has supported his ex wife so admirably with a good heart and his adult children are so proud of him.

OurBlanche · 07/10/2016 15:38

Fill out the form. Let a court decide.

That way neither your emotions, her emotions, or any of the emotional responses here, will have sod all to do with it.

If a court, with all the relevant details, decides you can stop/must carry on, then that's it, done and dusted.

donners312 · 07/10/2016 15:39

Sorry i disagree with most people on here - the wife is doing most of the childrearing. You have kids EOW and every wednesday. So it's mainly down to her to sort them out.

Then you contribute GBP 12 000 PA to her family income in CM and SP.

If she only contributed GBP 12 000 in her family income would they have an OK life or even be able to live?

I am assuming not as she has decided to go back to work full time?

You have done the right thing so far and been generous enough (if it wasn't all forced on you at court) I would just leave it for the sake of all trying to get on and for the sake of knowing you have done the right thing.

I am not trying to have a go at you but I think what you are doing now is the right thing and don't think you should become an arsehole over GBP 350!

Groundhogday2016 · 07/10/2016 15:43

I thought spousal maintenance was rare these days so there must have been a reason it was awarded. A clean break is usually preferred.

AyeAmarok · 07/10/2016 16:20

Yep, definitely apply to vary the arrangements, as the material facts of the situation have now changed dramatically.

GrumpusLumpus · 07/10/2016 16:41

Just be aware that it's not "fill in a form and the judge decides". You will be forced to try mediation first and if you do go to court be prepared as the fees won't be cheap as you'll need a barrister as well as a solicitor most likely. It's not a simple nor nice process.

SassyPasty · 07/10/2016 17:01

Have a look at your original court order. Does it specify a length of time you are required to pay spousal maintenance or certain conditions around it remaining payable?

Traveller123 · 19/07/2017 11:33

To OP

Slightly old thread, but was the outcome for you? Curious as looks as though I am heading in same direction

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