is this worth pursuing or do i just need to let it go? (this is a bit heavy- sorry if it comes off as a downer)

[IWasGintyMarlowe]

hi i have always been wary of people in any kind of relationship IRL. online i'm this extrovert but IRL i am often feeling very ashamed, worthless and uncomfortable if people get too close. i don't date. i feel afraid of men. i had a difficult upbringing. lots of verbal emotional abuse with some domestic violence thrown in. i have had a lot of MH support over the years. been in MH services since age 17 due to personality disorder symptoms and self injury. i feel bad for still needing to talk to someone about my past . at moment i am battling anxiety and eating disorder issues and am in OA but there is something i am not really dealing with.

i recently came to accept the fact that i had been sexually abused as a young girl by a couple of my classmates. i realise they were only kids and most likely had no idea of what they were doing but i am concerned it may be causing issues in my life at moment. i still find myself getting inappropriately triggered by certain social situations and also by the stuff in the media about sexual assault and bullying.

am i being self indulgent to ask for some counselling regarding this? i am seeing a MH worker this week coming and wonder if i should mention this at all?

It doesn't sound self indulgent at all - I think it is positive that you have some insight into possible causes to your anxiety. I'm maybe not expressing myself very well but if you knew someone else with the same background do you think you would question their decision to go for counseling regarding their past? Probably not - what I am trying to say is do you think the worrying that it might be self indulgent is linked to your low self esteem - you are worth as much as anyone else, and as deserving of being cared for.

thanks. i guess i wouldn't question it if it were anyone else? i guess i find it harder to accept that my needs are as legitimate as other peoples' are. seem to feel as though i have spent my whole life trying to persuade myself (and prove to others) that my pain is real? don't know if that makes sense?

Your pain belongs to you, and therefore is as real as you feel it is. There's no sliding scale where you can measure if you are deserving of help. If you have an issue, it causes you distress and disrupts your life, that's all that matters.

If you've been trying to suppress certain incidents and feelings for many years it's no wonder you feel detached from things. Why do you think you're still trying to decide if your pain is real? Is it because if you lessen the pain it helps you to minimise the things that might be causing the pain in the first place? Or is it a self-esteem issue, perhaps you feel guilty that certain things took place and that you ought to have acted or reacted differently?

I'm not saying for a moment that any of the above are true, ie that you have any reason to feel guilty or question your actions. Rather that you may just be feeling this.

Not indulgent at all. Something horrid happened to you and you have every right to want to talk it through. It is likely the foot of some of your anxiety and if thugs are still triggering you then I do suggest you seem some support.

thanks everyone i think it is because when i was growing up i was always having my feelings and needs invalidated. it is hard for me to separate myself from that