unhelpful grandparents syndrome

[Rhiannon]

BABYSITTERS - Find out where your local college is that has a nanny training course. These nannies-to-be have to have family placements each term and it is a great way of getting free help and also finding a babysitter you can trust. We have also enlisted the help of a young 14 year old girl who lives down the road, asked her Mum if she would like to earn some money by helping my son with his writing during half term, she has been coming ever since just for a couple of hours at the weekend to do Playdoh, Lego or whatever so I can have a couple of hours to myself. She has also been doing early evening babysitting when we have been going out locally. Try it!

My MIL has never looked after either of my children for one minute. She lives 75 minutes away and has had mysterious illnesses ever since I have known her.

My parents are great but they often call my son by my estranged brother's name, it's really creepy like they are trying to turn back the clock and treat my son differently than they did their own. But they do babysit and my mother has even offered to take them to Swanage for a week at the end of July - Hooray!!!!!!!!!

Rhiannon, funnily enough I contacted our local further education college on Friday, asking if any of their nannies-in-training would be interested in babysitting. Am eagerly waiting reply!

Success I hope!! One of the nursery course lecturers, loads of checkable references, police checks, etc, has just offered to babysit.

Tigermoth is that Woolwich College by any chance? I'd be really interested to hear how you get on.

Trying to keep things anonymous, I better not say which college it is, Marina. I'll let you know how I get on, though!

Good luck, Tigermoth. We're thinking of asking the nursery nurses to recommend someone as they are local women who trained locally. Who knows, one of them might even like a bit of extra cash herself if the nursery is OK about it.

Yes, it's so lovely when the generations on either side of us get on - and go away with each other! I know - and a scan along this board bears testament to it - that it's a lucky thing if this happens.

My oldest son from the age of 5 years has had a long summer holiday with MIL and FIL. A family crisis prompted the first one. Since then the thing has gained its own momentum. It's so nice to see them forming a strong relationship,independent of us. Son gets to eat mases of home-cooked puddings and has the full attention of two non-working adults. MIL and FIL, active but retired, have fun planning the trips, gives them a shared interest and a passport into a younger, contemporary world of Mcdonalds and CITV. I also think it reminds them how difficult it is to be a perfect parent, so they're more understanding and apppeciatve of our efforts. Lessons the tut-tutting, in other words.

Of course we miss our son every minute like mad (ha ha ha), don't know how we manage without him. Only 2 more years or so and if all parties are in agreement, MIL and FIL can entertain his brother, too.

After some serious moaning about hideous Christmas experience, I have to also say that I have recently had two good experiences with toddler and grand-parents. I have been a temporary single parent on and off for the last couple of months as the major family breadwinner has been working abroad alot. Perhaps my parents feel sorry for me but they have been very sweet about asking me down and doing their best to accommodate my 19 month old son. I'm sure it helps that the weather has improved and he spends virtually every waking moment of his visits outside, therefore not wanting to touch every precious antique inside. So, maybe the hunky Auzzie doctor from Holby City will be asking me out tommorrow (you can keep Russell Crowe Star!).

But Bugsy, did you see HC last night???? It was really sad, do you think he'll get framed for her murder? She was dead wasn't she??

Bugsy, Star, it must the sap rising. Even my MIL is much more helpful now. This is welcome news, gratefully received, and we'll do all we can to encourage it. But I'm afraid a quiet corner of my brain still remembers the awful early days when our son was not so engaging, just a colicky little scrap, and when we could have really, really done with some no-strings support. Thank goodness for mumsnet where you can express these ignoble things without your offspring or Grandmommie Dearest overhearing. I have been saying, "and didn't you have a lovely time with grandma", with a big happy smile on my face, til I feel quite SICK.

Marina, going on adult reactions to my older son, I've found grandparents,husbands, friends (everyone in fact apart from poor old me) are far more eager to have him the older he gets. He's not an angel but he's a lot easier to manage now - and good company. MY MIL and FIL kindly tolerated our son for the first two years. They were loving and dutiful, but didn't want to be very hands on when we went to see them, which irked me somewhat. It was only once my son became more interesting to them that they got more involved, taking him on trips, cooking with him etc. Now I think at times they prefer him to us!

Ho, tell me about it Tigermoth. Glad to hear it's not just me. None of my rellies except my sister EVER asks about our wellbeing or our careers now. It is as though we no longer exist except as a method of conveying Mr Chuckles to their homes. And I know she only asks because she is shocked at how raddled and unkempt we both look these days, especially me.
I was given a funny little book when he was born, a kind of guide to being a parent written in the style of a car manual (I think it is sold via the NCT mail-order catalogue). At one point there is a cartoon of a dazed-looking and tubby woman, captioned: "Packaging. Do not discard, may come in useful later".
Ha bloody ha. Families kindly take note.

I haven't visited this talk area for some time and it was a joy to read the glowing accounts of how the grandparents are suddenly rallying round to help and actually enjoy their grandchildren. It is true that many mothers (and fathers) - old and young- do not find it particularly stimulating to be with small babies, and they often come into their own only as the children get older. It is also very tiring for an older person for instance to carry a baby around, even a small one - try asking them to take home 4kgs of potatoes!

But as you say, build on the new interest being shown and forget the past. If they want to make amends in their own way, indulge them and enjoy a bettr relationship for the future.