EXP contacted my mum and said I have stopped visitation because he won't have wed with me anymore

[MissPathetic30]

I've written before, EXP had an affair, usual nonsense, I exchanged words with the other woman and told a lie. Shouldn't have even bothered, she doesn't care, she wants him and he can do no wrong.

So he had the kids, Tuesday all day and overnight and returned them Wednesday afternoon. He wanted to have them this weekend also but he wasn't giving a definite pick up time/ drop off time. So I just blocked him on my phone and got on with things instead of waiting till his highness was ready for them. Cue big row, OW got involved I texted her some vicious stuff back telling her to mind her own bleeping business. She seems to feel like she has some say in my children's life. So anyways after rowing for hours, yes hours, I agree to mediation. For us to work out a schedule and a time for pick up and drop offs so he's not messing me about and I can plan stuff.

Next morning my mum calls, she's easily alarmed, and it was horrible. I can't believe he would tarnish me by saying that and then he goes on to say I'm unstable and have mental health issues, I had post natal depression after my 1st DC. I'm so upset that he is telling ppl this, even though he had an affair on me when I was only 6 months pregnant with our 1st child, I didn't go bad mouthing him to his family or friends, even my family don't know the extent, so his character is still intact but he's destroyed me. Why on earth would he tell ppl I stopped visitation because he refused sex and that I had mental health problems. I am so hurt. He has 4 other children and he isn't even fussed with sorting visitation out with them, he sees them when he does. But he wants nightly FaceTime and morning FaceTime and my children every weekend. It's getting to be so unbearable. This is him but I feel he is destroying my character to please the OW. And now if I start contacting ppl and telling them about the affair, it'll seem like lies, or that I'm bitter. So upset he's destroyed my character when he was the one that did all the nasty things and no doubt Sunday she'll be in church, acting like a saint. I just can't, this has broken me, I don't even want to leave my house.

Do what people have advised and get legal advice and neutral 3rd party drop off and please, for your kids sake get help to grow up into a mature adult woman who doesn't fight and threaten and full of all this anger because I promise you it is doing your kids harm. Both of you. A judge would bang your heads together right now

^ this.

You need to step back. All this drama isn't doing your DC any good at all.

Milkyface he saw them on Tuesday and had them overnight returning on Wednesday, it hasn't even been a week yet, and this mediator is suppose to be contacting me midweek next week, so if we get a meeting early it won't even make it to 2 weeks, just really over a week. So it's not like I've left him suffering for weeks or months! He's just moaning coz he's use to having his way. He's use to coming over on his lunch break, after work and still having them on weekends, plus all those blooming facetimes. It was too much. I dare say even though you might hang me out to dry, the kids won't be any worse for not seeing their dad for two weeks. Everything will be sorted and we will both know where we stand.

He's use to coming over on his lunch break, after work and still having them on weekends, plus all those blooming facetimes. It was too much. I dare say even though you might hang me out to dry, the kids won't be any worse for not seeing their dad for two weeks.

You are being very naive.

Also what if everything isn't sopted in a week?

Children aren't pawns in a game.

Did you grow up in Sicily?

Tarnished reputations, he's dead to me...

You need to calm down

He sounds like an absolute prick, wanting you to dance to his tune. But you are doing yourself no favours having a go at his girlfriend and telling her lies.

You are withholding access. 2 weeks is a long time. My child is used to going between houses and she would really notice a fortnight - and yours have daily contact!
Mediation will not be sorted in 2 weeks - you will not find a mediator, get an appointment and have this sorted in 2 weeks.

A mediator won't tell you what to do. They'll help you both negotiate. You need to have your own ideas.

If I were you I would text/email him your plan for access until mediation is resolved.

I'd propose one night in the week and every other weekend. No more facetiming. Specify the exact times. If he has a habit of not showing, then you could specify that children are available for pick up from 10:00-10:30 on Saturday. So you don't wait in, and you don't dance to his tune. If the kids are at nursery, you can use that to your advantage. Plan a drop off to or from there. Then you don't have to see him - and whilst it's fun to play games not sticking to times with you, he has to show up at nursery.

Do not contact his girlfriend at all.

And stop getting worked up about tarnished reputations - no-one cares what he thinks except him.

Incidentally - how has this prick been at paying maintenance? Correct amount on time?

But do not withhold access for 2 or more weeks. It's morally wrong, it won't look good for you and most of all - it's not right for the kids.

Mediation can take months. I have been there.

If he's not going in there with 100% the same views as you (which presumably he's not!) it will be more than one session.

The mediator won't like your attitude I can guarantee it. If you still can't agree you'll have to go to court, and a judge definitely will not like your attitude.

You can't stop visitation because you care about your reputation. What your ex says about you has absolutely zero to do with how much he should see his children.

Put your kids first for crying out loud.

I totally understand why you are angry and hurt.
Tell him you will only be talking to him about the children and mediation. Do not respond to anything else, as tempting as it is to release your anger. You will appear more reasonable in mediation. Do not respond to the ow at all, its none of her business at all and you don't need to have anything to do with her!
don't let them use facetime unless they can do it themselves, you have enough to do! The school can contact him or send letters about school plays or whatever, it doesn't need to be your dirty work to contact him about everything! Its not unreasonable to have pick up and drop off times otherwise you will just get mucked about royally

Mediation isn't a cure all, I've been through it twice with the same man, five years apart and both ended unsatisfactorily. However, the second time around I had largely detached from the fool and was wise to his bullshit. My mediator wasn't very good but my boundaries were solid and for the most part I was able to articulate and advthe best

Google parenting plans and draw one up listing contact frequency, contact and drop off times and locations, what to do in an emergency etc. If you want to keep contact to a minimum then the plan needs to be more detailed, so you aren't contacting each other for easily foreseeable situations. Tell your family who he is and that you aren't interested in any tall tales he wants to tell them.

I know it's still raw but in your current state you aren't helping you or your children by allowing this man so much headspace. Detach, detach, detach.

I'm am six years on from DV, trying to broker contact between Ex and DD (but Ex deciding to terminate contact), no maintenance for six years and counting. When Ex's mother was recently telling me sob stories about Ex, I felt nothing, no glee no sadness, just indifference and that was confirmation that I was where I needed to be.

You need to change your internal dialogue, he isn't a winner and you aren't a loser. This is who he is, there is no alternate universe where he is a faithful and kind partner to you. You're not missing out on a happy marriage, you've avoided investing more of your time with a liar and a cheat. The OW hasn't won because he isn't a prize.

Grieve the man you wanted him to be but accept the man for who he is and remember, the best revenge is a life lived well.

Thank you all! Visitation has been sorted and I'm trying to get on with my life as much as possible. Life's too short to waste on him or the OW, they can live happily ever after or not, I only care about me, my kiddies, family and friends xxx