Hi everyone,
I don't really know where to start here but anyway. I've been with my partner for over a year now and he just recently proposed.
I have 2 children to my previous partner as does he. My ex I was with for 7 years. During this time he cheated, lied, cheated, lied etc. Everything he would do he would lie about but the truth always came out. He would play mind games with me to make it look like I was the one going mad. It was emotional abuse. I wanted to leave throughout the years but my son has special needs and I thought there was no way I could cope on my own. Just before I had my daughter, (on Christmas Day of all days) we found out my dad had been having an affair too. I never ever thought my dad would do anything like that, he doted on my mum so it was a massive shock. I had my daughter but sunk into deep depression, my partner kept messaging girls and getting up to all sorts but I didn't care anymore at that point. My focus was on my son and getting him the help he needed whilst being there for my mum too.
Anyway we eventually split up and I felt brilliant. I stared seeing someone after a few months and fell for them big time, he was everything my ex wasn't. We were together 7 months then one day got a message to say from another woman to say he was also being unfaithful. I ended it but was absolutely devastated.
Fast forward another 18 months and I met my current partner. One thing that struck me with him was how honest he was from that start. Straight away he told me he had been in trouble in the past, was a bit of a bad boy and also had a problem with gambling but he had controlled it and that was years ago. I appreciated him telling me and we went from there. Our relationship has gone from strength to strength and I love him very much. His children are amazing and get on with my children very well. It's all good.
But I am absolutely petrified of getting hurt again, it's ruining my life. I don't think I could take it if he cheated on me. I've never found anything to say he's going too, he's constantly telling me how much he loves me, how he's never felt like this before. The mother of his children was desperate for them to get married but he didn't ever propose as he said it wasn't right as he didn't feel that strongly about her yet we've only been together a year and he's asked me.
I know his ex does still have feelings for him, I can tell by the way she speaks to him and the way she is with him. It does my head in to he honest but I know she will always be in our lives and I just have to hope one day she will move on. She will ring him during the day at work as she knows I'm not around then. I know he doesn't feel anything towards her though.
I just feel like a well and truly damaged person due to what's happened in the past, I want to be happy so much but I'm so used to people hurting me that I'm just expecting it to happen again and constantly looking for clues - just to prepare myself for the worst I suppose.
Like this morning when he left for work, he was texting someone and I was thinking who could that be? How daft do I sound? Every time his phone goes I panic. He's self employed so his phone is always ringing and getting messages and it's nearly always work related but I still cannot help but think it's someone else.
My partner does know what I'm like, he constantly reassures me. He knows my past and does understand. I know people might think I am going to push him away but i hardly ever mention how bad I can feel.
I don't have much confidence in myself either, I'm much better thank used to be though. I always make an effort to look nice and he tells me I'm beautiful everyday but I just feel like crap inside. I'm so tired.
I hate my ex and what he did to me, I have never ever cheated in my life and never would. I just need to learn how to trust.
Has anyone ever gone through anything like this? Soz to be such a drainer