Going nuts over DH accusing me of having said things I haven't

[Londonmamabychance]

DH and I are forever disagreeing on what I have said or haven't said. He misremembered so many things and then gets angry when I refuse to accept I've said the given thing. Ridiculously, we just had a fight about whether I said that a certain theatre where we are going tonight is by Westminster or Embankment. He insists I said it was by Westminster, when I know that theatre very well and know for certain that when we spoke about it two days ago, I said it was by Embankment, and he said "yeah, around Westminster," and I didn't say 'no, it's by Embankment" I just said "yeah round there, by Embankment" because in my head those two are quite close anyway. So in his head only Westminster stuck, and he now goes mad at me and says "that's the problem with you that you'll never admit when you said something wrong." It may sound silly but it's a reacurring issue for us and it creates so many big arguments. He forgets the details of the conversation and only remember the gist (or what he wants to remember) and then gets angry when I remind him of something else. In the case of the theatre of course it doesn't really matter, it's only because it's an example (and has ruined my desire to even have a night out with him) but when it comes to him for example insisting that I agreed to DD's name before she was born, and we're now trying to agree on our new, unborn child's name, it's a big problem. Because I did not agree to DD's name before birth, we had a short list and I said I wanted to see what she was like looked before deciding which name suited her. When she was born and the midwife asked "do you have a name" he then just said the name he preferred from the list all the time! I was so out of it that I just agreed, I don't regret it because I love her name and it suits her, but I'm upset about the decision process and don't want that to happen again. But he straight out claims I agreed to the name beforehand which I know I did not. I even asked my mum and sister, who'd know if we had a name for certain and they said no, you liked that name and a few others and you had not decided. There are many things like that and I just feel I'm banging my head against a brick wall, because he quite clearly is convinced that he remembers things correctly and is outraged that I am "lying" about what I've said in the past.

I think he thinks he's being kind, I.e. He takes DD weekend mornings and let's me sleep in, he cooks all meals and does a bigger share of housework, but I do t bunk he's being more understanding in terms of not flaring up. I don't know what to do, I feel weak for being shattered and have a bed time cutting myself slack. Naice are you still with you OH and how have you dealt with this? You say you are more distanced from him, I sometimes take that approach too but then I think that's just going to end our marriage in the end if we stop talking about things and tacking disagreements.

*hard time, not bed time!

I often think that this kind of situation is a bit smoke and mirrors iyswim.

If you just carry on and don't really engage with his behaviour then there isn't much he can do. There's not much point in him getting bolshy if you are just smiling distractedly and getting on with something else.

I don't think that it's ideal - the ideal would be someone who is more empathetic and less concerned about winning every argument, but that's how it is with some people.

I have thought about leaving and it may still happen, but I'm in quite a good place at the moment. His behaviour has definitely affected our relationship though.

Just read your last post again. The thing is that he is doing what he thinks is being kind, but he isn't really listening to what would really make you happy.

So let me get this straight, in situations that don't involve you, he acknowledges that his memory isn't the best and has actively sought out an activity to improve it but with you, he refuses to acknowledge this and often aggressively blames you for his poor recall. In the other example given about stopping with your DD's dummy, he aggressively accused you of not caring about your DD's dental health because he didn't agree with your legitimate concerns/ reasoning.

He may well be all the positive things you've said about him but he also has a controlling and aggressive streak and all the nice things, don't make up for that. If most arguments end in him trying to verbally and emotionally subdue you, then your problems are far greater than you're willing to acknowledge.

It really doesn't matter wether he's deliberately trying to subdue you or if his behaviour is an unfortunate by product of other issues, his aggression is unacceptable. These aren't isolated incidents and they all don't centre around poor memory, however, there is a very obvious pattern of a man who uses aggression as a form of communication and it's not a respectful or positive one at that.

Do not underestimate the insidious nature of this type of aggression and the way it influences your behaviour (walking eggshells or a combative response). The relationship you have with your H is your DD's primal relationship role model and I'm sure accepting aggression isn't a dynamic you want your daughter to learn.

You aren't responsible for his behaviour but you are responsible for how much you're prepared to expose you and your daughter to. Stop waiting for him to change and start making clear the consequences if he doesn't.