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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't know what my mum was thinking - sorry long!!

19 replies

pinkprincess · 12/06/2004 18:03

On Tuesday night last week, I was at college, so dp and mum were looking after dd. They have been getting on okay, but on Tuesday, mum was talking to dp about exp (father of dd) and saying how similar our relationship is compared to my relationship with ex. Dp said that he would do anything for me and dd, and he asked if mum thought I was worth it, she laughed. He also asked if I ever loved exp, she said that she thought I did at the time, but now she realises I didn't (which I didn't). He asked if she thinks that I love him (which he knows I do) and mum had a pause and said that Im fond of him. Other things were said, but these things upset dp, so when I got back from college, he said he thought I didnt love him and that if we were going to end up like me and exp, he doesnt want the risk of getting hurt.

We talked, and are now fine. He had an episode of insecurity which I dont blame him, as no one knows me better than my own mum, so hearing things like that must have really hurt him. I know it would do me if it was his mum saying that to me.

We can't figure out why mum was like this. Dp says she did it in a way that makes it seem like she was trying to help him out and think of him, as she said she didnt want to see him get hurt, as I can't control my mood swings (excuse me for suffering from PND!!!)

Dp thinks it's either because she doesnt want to see him get hurt, she doesnt want dd seeing him more than exp, she doesnt think much of dp and doesnt want me to end up hurt or she's testing him to see what he'd do.

i would talk to her about it, but I dont really want to bring it up. she told dp not to tell me about this stuff, even though it was a bit inevitable. i know i should talk to her, but im a bit too scared as stupid as that sounds.

what do you mumnetters think of this?

OP posts:

lars · 12/06/2004 18:21

I think you need to bring it up, as I think this would clear the air at least. I think maybe she didn't mean to cause offense but perhaps she might have been taken the wrong way maybe?

I'm not sure what to think really but I think it may not be a good idea for your mum to have these chats with your dp in the future as this has only caused some heartache between you both. LARSXX

serenequeen · 12/06/2004 19:41

i would keep your mum and your dp about a million miles apart in future. what was she thinking sticking her oar in like that? have a word with her and if you don't trust her to shut it in future, don't let dp anywhere near her.

Lisa78 · 12/06/2004 20:02

Echo the thread title - what WAS she thinking of?
You must raise it with her, if you don't then she will think he has done as she asked and not told you about it - then God knows what she would say to him next time.
I'd also be thinking about why she said those things, anyone with an ounce of common sense would realise they could only be destructive.
Sorry to be so negative, but I think the whole thing sounds rather alarming.
And you are not stupid to be scared about raising it, its all a bit confrontational - I wouldn't make it into a big issue though, just say something lighthearted in passing, half laughing, like "Mum, what on earth did you say that stuff to DP for? He half thought I was going to run off with the milkman for a minute - I've had to wait on him hand and foot to reassure him" or something along those lines
Good luck

MeanBean · 12/06/2004 20:34

Agree with the others that your Mum was completely out of order - maybe she's been watching too much Coronation Street and has decided to take a leaf out of Beverly's book and be the lunatic mother from Hell! At least she didn't shag him! But planting doubts like that is incredibly destructive, though maybe she didn't realise that that is what she was doing. Although, I've just re-read the bit about telling DP to keep their conversation secret - what the...? I can understand her saying negative things about him to you and telling you not to tell him, but the other way round sounds like she has a major loyalty problem. If it was my mum, I'd be absolutely bloody livid, tbh.

Do you know if there is any tension about your DP? Perhaps she doesn't like him or think he's good for you, and wants to scare him away? Whatever, I think you have to have it out with her, because if you don't, you'll always be a bit scared of what she might say to him again. And it's not really feasible (or even desirable) long term to keep them away from each other. You don't know how many years you'll be with him.

WideWebWitch · 12/06/2004 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

carlyb · 12/06/2004 20:49

What an awful position you are in!
When two people have a conversation often things can be misunderstood and taken the wrong way. Could it be that your dp version of the events could differ from what your mums might be?
He is obviously a little insecure about your relationship to be questioning your mum in the first place, could he have taken what she said the wrong way?

I think that the only way that you can know is to ask your mum. You know your mum, is she likely have said those thing in a game playing way (for instance to test dp), is she likely to do something like that?

This just reminded me of when I had a converstion I had with my dads new wife. She questioned me about my dads previous relationships, including his relationships with my mum. It was such a subtle conversation, that at the time it seemed natural. Anyway later on she had a fit at my dad, her version of the conversation being very different than what I had actually said. She twisted things that I had said, I do not think in spite it was just her insecurities. It caused so much trouble and a huge rift as my dad was convinced I was 'stirring' because I didnt like his new wife (which was untrue). Anyway it caused major problems. Talk to your mum about it and see what she says it might put your mind at rest.
I hope this works out for you x x

Original poster

pinkprincess · 14/06/2004 00:08

i spoke to mum today about it, she said that she spoke to him about those things as she felt dp was feeling insecure about our relationship, but says she does like him and thinks he's doing well for "coping" with a mum and a dd. it's also put dp's mind at rest as he was afraid she was trying to drive him away. i guess he just took things the wrong way, or at least i hope it's like that

OP posts:

Chandra · 14/06/2004 00:21

Pink Princess, excuse me but, which otherway he could have taken the things when the mother or your partner tells you "she is fond of you" when he asked if you loved him???

Probably, I'm a bit biased on this as my MIL is always saying that I took the things wrong even when she is comparing me with DH's ex, or asking me to hide my "national origins".

Original poster

pinkprincess · 14/06/2004 10:31

well apparantly when dp asked that, mum had said i think the world of him. so either dp heard her wrong, or one of them is twisting the truth. but at the moment id rather not look too deeply into it, but if it happens again, then ill have to keep them as far apart from each other, although i dont want it to get like that

OP posts:

aloha · 14/06/2004 11:02

I think it was an extremely odd conversation full stop. Why was your dp is asking your mum if you love him? Surely that's a question for you. I would be utterly appalled if my husband started grilling my mum about me - especially if he asked if I was 'worth' caring about!. To be fair to your mum, it does sound as if he was also asking awkward questions and I think if it was me, I would say, if you have any worries about our relationship, please talk to me, not my mum - I'm the one that loves you. I am sure neither of them were trying to hurt anyone, it just sounds an incredibly awkward situation, and of course you weren't there so can't say exactly what was and wasn't said.

Twinkie · 14/06/2004 11:05

I think she was well out of line - although I think your DP asking her did sort of open the doors for him to get hurt - but what was she doing saying things like that and expecting him to keep quiet?? - All sounds a bit iffy to me TBH!!

Original poster

pinkprincess · 14/06/2004 11:22

well what started it was before i went to college, i got into a "bad mood" as it was so hot that day and i was running around trying to sort out dd, cook us dinner, run in and out sorting out the washing, and so i got hot and bothered, so wasnt in the best of moods, especially with dp lying casually on the sofa watching tv!!!

when mum got back from taking me to college, he asked her how i seemed, so it all stemed from there. then they started to both... well basically bitch about me tbh as they were complaining about my mood swings. also dp had told mum some things that i had told him that i wanted him to keep quiet about.

in fact, now i dont know what to think, or know what either of them were thinking

OP posts:

coppertop · 14/06/2004 11:25

In that case, shame on them both! Instead of b*tching about your 'mood swings' perhaps they could have discussed ways to help you out a bit more so that you have less cause to be in a 'bad mood'. They sound as bad as each other IMHO.

Original poster

pinkprincess · 14/06/2004 11:28

well they both told me that dp brought up about that he was worried about when we go on holiday as everytime we're together we seem to argue, or im in a bad mood (and i dont appreciate them making it seem like it's all my fault!!) and that it will be even hotter as we're going abroad, and he's worried i wont be able to cope, as i had told him when i went to florida i hated it, partly cos of the weather, but i was also pregnant at the time!!

ive wanted them to get along, but not this well

OP posts:

Original poster

pinkprincess · 14/06/2004 15:03

just been talking to dp, and now im even more confused. he's telling me to leave him alone cos im asking questions about what was said.

i txt him this morning and said the next time he's upset with me, to talk to me about it not my mum to save all this upset.

he said he was just asking cos he wanted advice, but she had said that me and dp are exactly like me and exp, and that she didnt sound convinced that i love him and i only have him around cos i just need anyone. i asked him when did mum say that, and wot exactly she said.

he said he doesnt know the exact words, just that when i split up with exp, i didnt want to be on my own cos im insecure and so just got anyone to replace exp which is dp

i feel really depressed now, cos i dont have a clue whats going on, and what has happened

OP posts:

Original poster

pinkprincess · 14/06/2004 23:05

sorry i just wanted to bump up this thread as it's really doing my head in

OP posts:

collision · 14/06/2004 23:11

How awful for you both. I think your dp needs some TLC and a bit of spoiling to let him know how much you do love him and to reassure him that your relationship is nothing like it was with exp. You must speak to your mum and get her side of things or it could make the PND worse and put huge strains on everyone.

What WAS you mum thinking of??

Original poster

pinkprincess · 14/06/2004 23:20

i cant understand what either of them wanted to gain from it. i cant talk to my mum because well i find it hard to talk to my mum about things, as she doesnt always listen and there's a lot of history

OP posts:

collision · 14/06/2004 23:46

But if you dont then it will eat away at you and cause more probs.

Couldnt you make a bit of a joke of it and ask her 'Hey, what were you saying about me the other night, you daft bag?????????'

Take dp out for dinner and be nice to him. Hope you are OK.

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