Can you be in love with 2 men at the same time? And what would you do in my situation?

[nantoangels]

I'm a bit of a lurker but could really do with some of that great advice that I know you MNers can give.

I have been married to my husband for a long time and we have a grown up dd and two beautiful granddaughters.

For the last 2 years I have been having an affair with a man I met at work, whom I now love. Although I am still deeply in love with my husband.

For the last few months I have been living in rented accomodation with the man who I've been seeing. (I left my husband in order to try and work out who I really want.) And although I am generally happy from day to day, I do still love my husband, and I miss my dd and dgd's so much (my daughter and husband will not let the grandchildren come to my new house or meet this man).

I feel like I really love both men. And I know I am giving up so much by beng with this man (the closeness with my family, seeing my grandchildren grow up, my 25 year marriage) but I am loving the attention, the different relationship, the lust, the excitement - and I can see a happy prosperous future for me and this man.

But I also know I could be happy back with my husband. It would be a very different life. But I think I could be happy again.

My husband has said he'll forgive me and wants nothing more than to have me back. At the same time, this man has given up so much for me and waited for me (he left his wife a year ago because of our relationship).

I'm so confused.

i think you hit the nail on the head with "but I am loving the attention, the different relationship, the lust, the excitement - and I can see a happy prosperous future for me and this man."

I really think that you need to be on your own for a while to honestly decide who you want to be with, or even just to be single.

My daughter suggested being on my own for a while too. The thought of that scares me. She said I'm being completely selfish keeping both men hanging on for me. But I could then risk losing them both.
It's just so difficult.

A very unusual situation for you to be in nantoangels. Normally the husband finds out and that's the end of the relationship, so to have two men who both love and want you is quite different.

Initially it sounds like your new man is giving you the excitement of new love, yet you go on to say you see a future with him.

I reckon you need to be really sure of this. Are you certain its not just the first flush thats giving you rose tinted specs. I mean will this feeling wear off in time when the novelty of an affair has gone?

Your husband must be being eaten up inside. He's willing to forgive and wants you back and loves you and yet you're with someone else. Is it fair to let him hang on like this.

You need to make a decision and to stop messing up other peoples lives I think.

How about thinking say 5 years ahead. Where would you want to be then. Would you have made the right decision if you were with your new man but having no or little contact with other family members or would you have been right to go back to a long happy marriage.

A difficult decision but I think you should make one in order to let others and yourself get on with living.

hi nantoangels

IMO, you need to have some time alone to make a decision.

your "new" relationship is helping you fill the gaps left by not being so close to your dd and grandkids but IMO that won't last forever as you settle into day to day routine.

then you might find that missing your family becomes much more of an issue.

with regard to your (ex?) husband, firstly could you settle for "thinking" you could be happy with him again. secondly, under that circumstance are you sure you could do all that you would have to do in order to put that relationship right and rebuild the trust etc.

also, are you absolutely sure that your husband would be prepared for all that hard work too?

IME, the partner who is left often declares undying love and to have you back unconditionally but when you do return they are filled with anger and resentment and hurt that they just cannot resolve.

If you left your husband then you weren't happy at home, if you return will you be happy to settle for that? Is there a chance that your dd will "come round" as time goes by and she sees you are serious about a future with your new man?

Either way, I think living with the new man isn't allowing you the time you need to make these decisions. Living on your own is a scary prospect but you will come to really know who you are and what you want your future to be.

Hope you work things out with all parties.

Gut response says go back to your husband. I will explain that though, I am aware that my family may well be very different to yours so please don't take offence.
My parents split when I was a teenager and even though I have a family of my own, it still impacts on our lives in a very negative way. In fact more so now that I have my own family. Christmas, family birthdays, weddings, they all cause trouble and hurt. I really resent my parents for being so selfish to put us through that as children (not your situation I know)I still feel very hurt that they can't behave properly now even after all this time. Cross that our family is wrenched apart and that we can't enjoy family celebrations together. that I can't talk to the other parent about anything involving the other without them getting huffy. Now that is all about how I feel and it might sound selfish.
In 10 years time will it still be as exciting with this man? What will you have lost in order to be with another version of what you already had. In fact not another version, a lesser version as he doesn't come with all the bonds of family love you grew and shaped with your husband.
It must be so hard, I hope I don't sound too preachy, good luck!

Marriage is not exciting. It's bloody boring. It's hard work. Complacency sets in.

Marriage is about committment. It's about keeping in mind that this is the person who you vowed to spend your whole life with. To expect that you will find this person exciting/fun and that the lust and attention will last forever is totally unrealistic.

The reality of family closeness, a loving partnership and long-term stability MUST outweigh lust, fun, and excitement everytime.

I've some personal experience of this so my views aren't just pie in the sky.

We all crave the excitement every now and then. Just remember - in 5/10/15 years time, it will all become humdrum (to a certain extent) with the new man and then where will you be?

I would ge scared about being single aswell, but at the same time, it would be a new challange. Go to college, have a girlie holiday etc etc, things that you wouldnt normally do. Your daughter is hurt as she probably alwyas expected her parents to be together, i know i do and the thought of them seperating would be awful.

I should add that I love my DH without reservation and for the most part unconditionally. He's my whole life in many ways.

That's not to say the temptation hasn't been there on both sides in the past.

I know now that the fleeting excitement is just not worth it in the long run.

Will your husband really be able to forgive you, or will it always come between you?

On the other hand, you shouldn't feel obligated to the new man purely because he left his wife for you. Your decision has to be made on your feelings.

I agree with the other posters - you need to be on your own to get to figure out what you really want. By that I mean live alone for a few months. But you could continue to see both of them (not sleep with them!)

You are all fantastic thank you. You've already given me so much to think about here.
I think I am being weak at the moment and the comment about making a decision so that everyone can get on with their lives really hit me. I know you're right.
Also the long term prospects, the idea of a settled life with this man, but without the closeness with my family. That thought makes me feel sick.

living on your own is scary at first and i expect the thought of losing both men is difficult.

but if they both love you as much as they say they do then they will respect your decision and give you the space you need to resolve this.

i would definately recommend some counselling with your husband. to understand the reasons you left and either facilitate a break up or help you rebuild your relationship.

a very close friend broke up with his longterm partner a while ago. my dh is absent most of the time (due to illness) we both agree we actually miss the mundain bits of family life.

he said he'd have her back even after she got a new boyfriend but now he's realising how difficult it would have been to rebuild the trust.

ps: living on your own is actually quite good fun - especially if you don't have very small DC.

you can watch what you want on telly

eat whatever you like for supper

spend an entire evening in the bath

not worry about getting back on time if you're out and about

spend all day in bed if you want to

have great evenings and lunches with friends

I used to be pathalogical about not being on my own but I really miss all that freedom now.

My situation with dh is hard going but tbh, i love my quiet evenings after dd is tucked up!

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There was nothing at all wrong with dh - other than I suppose a long and happy marriage which had perhaps become a bit mundane on a day to day basis. Once dd had left and was busy with her own family, things were pretty quiet and I suppose sometimes dull at home.
We had fantastic holidays and family occasions - but every working day it was just the same thing, day after day.

Firstly I think you need to be very honest with yourself and ask why it is you felt the need to have an affair in the first place. What was lacking in your marriage that led you into the arms of another man? IMO it?s one thing having a fling, being flattered by the attention given to you by someone else when things are boring and mundane at home, but it?s quite another leaving your husband to be with that other man. You must have been very sure of what you wanted to end a 25 year marriage.

so often we don?t realize what we?ve got until it isn?t there any more, and it sounds like this is the case with you.

With regard to your dd, it?s likely she is hurt and upset and that she feels that bringing the children round to your new home, the other man?s home, would be betraying her father. But in time your dh would move on and find happiness with someone else, and your dd would most likely not feel so torn thenn and you could repair things with her in the future.

But one thing you must always bear in mind, even if you go back to your husband, you can never really ?go back?. Even if he takes you back, things will never be the same as they were, you can?t just pick up where you left off, you have betrayed him in the worst way possible, and even if he can forgive, he will never forget, if the relationship is salvageable it will take years to repair the damage you have done. Are you prepared for that? If so you need to be prepared to do some serious soul-searching, and to take some serious responsibility for the hurt you have caused, to your husband, to your children, to the wife of the man you are now with, and his children.

You need to decide what it is you want, because you can?t have your cake and eat it. If you go back to your husband the relationship with the other man has to end, now. You can?t see each other ever again, not even as friends. So if you go back to your dh you walk away from the other man and never look back. But if you decide to stay with the other man then you need to be prepared for everything that that involves, divorce from your husband, seeing him with a new woman when he finds one, because he will find one, rebuilding your relationship with your daughter and your grandchildren which, I believe is still possible even if you stay where you are now.

You have a lot of thinking to do IMO.

I haven't read the whole thread as it is too emotive for me, my Dad has recently done a very similar thing to you- almost identical- therefore anything I say is not impartial, however it is how your family will be feeling.
I am actually feeling physically sick typing this. I don't think you can have any idea of the hurt and devastation you have probably caused and you need to think very carefully about your future.

I will tell you what it has been like for me since my dad left (I am 28, have 2 children aged 22mths and 6 mths, my sister is 27 and has one child aged 10mths and my brother is 23). I have felt totally betrayed and abandoned by a previously wonderful and loving father, I have grieved for the family's future which we will now never have (Christmas's, holidays etc), I have had to cope with supporting my mum at a time when I needed my parents' support (just having a new baby) instead I have had my mum crying on my shoulder telling me she didn't want to live anymore and and that she often contemplated suicide, I am constantly torn between wanting to see my dad and hating him for what he's done, I feel guilty all the time that my children don't see him but I don't know how I can have a relationship with him when I so strongly dislike who he has become. Sometimes I lie awake in bed for hours thinking about it and crying, and I feel guilty because it is so much worse for my mum, she was looking forward to a comfortable retirement with the love of her life and now she faces the prospect of ending up alone and financial uncertainty

I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear and it may be different in your family but I don't know if lusting after someone and wanting a bit of thrill and excitement in your life is worth this.

soph thank you for typing that. It must have taken real strength and courage on your part. I have never seen things from that perspective before. I'm truly sorry for you. And feel physically sick at the thought of what I am putting my dh and dd through.

gosh soph..you're story is so similar to mine
Dad left my mother i Dec 05 after 37 years of marriage leaving her only a note that said'sorry,can't do this anymore'
He went to live in America & left her homeless,peniless and suicidal.
I wont go into great detail because this isn't what this thread is about..but the fall out has been huge.
I have a ds 2.5..their first & only grandchild.My mother forced me to choose between my father or her as she was so badly hurt & distraught couldn't & so she has wiped me out of her life completely.
I have lost my entire family & grieve for what could have been & what ds is missing out on.
His actions,although not unfounded have torn us all apart.

lullabyloo- so sorry you're going through that. It sounds even worse than mine. The difference is that my mum found out about the affair on 4 occasions during the past 5 years and eventually she couldn't take it anymore but she would have had him back if he could have finished the affair. My parents even went ahead and bought a house together as my dad lost his job as a result of the affair (he was a minister) so my mum also lost her home. So now she lives alone in a house she can't afford, in a new village etc.
My mum is slowly rebuilding her life but sometimes I wonder if she will ever be really happy again and at least she is still in our lives and sees us and her grandchildren regularly. She would never cut me off if I chose to see my dad but I know it would devastate her if I did.

I truly feel for you as you were put in an impossible sitution and through no fault of your own you have lost your family. I think people underestimate the effect that an affair can have- especially when the children are 'grown up'- sometimes I think it's even harder because you know more about what's involved.

I think your daughter is right, you sound like a very selfish person.

soph>>>

I was always closer to my father than my mother..so that makes things harder really.
My father's company went bust & he left before the fall out..ie before they lost their home.
My mum cannot accept that i cannot cut ties with my father,I despise him for what he has done..the cowardly way he that he left...but he is my father & has always been a dear & good man..i cannot stop loving him.
My mother has attempted suicide 3 times,each time sending me text messages to say what she's done & blames me for her misery.I live a long way away & don't drive so it's v.hard & I get v.angry with them both for what they have done.
I dont want ds growing up amidst all this hatred & guilt & lies.
My childhood was miserable & I wont have ds living life on eggshells like i did.
I love both parents...but ds is my life now & he does & always will come first

Soph and Lullabyloo, sorry to read your stories. You're right, you don't hear much about the impact on 'grown up' children. It's kinda nice to know that I'm not totally crap for feeling grief for the extended family that we should have had and that at 35, I'm not the only one also suffering the fall-out at a time when I could do with some support with a young family.

yes it's especially hard when you have a child..i feel so sad when I see Mum's & daughter's out together enjoying time together...grandad's at the park pushing their grandchildren on the swings...ds will never know all that.
Christmas was very lonely

Berrie- sorry for you too. I guess there are lots of people like us out there trying to deal with this.

p.s soph...your lo's are absolutely beautiful