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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to let go of someone you will never see again?

21 replies

rainbowpaint · 03/10/2016 14:44

I have never really fully recovered from losing my first love 18 years ago when I was at university. I think about him everyday and wonder what he might think or say and I feel a little like I have been waiting for years for him to come back to me all this time. I last saw him about 15 years ago and I think I kept thinking we would bump into each other again when the time was right but it hasn't happened. I've recently learned from a friend that while he is still single he is now living in another country and has been for 10 years. I didn't even know I just kept dreaming I'd bump into him.

I have met a nice man but I feel like I am blocked from letting him into my life because I'm still in love with someone else. I have to make myself understand that I will never see my first love again, that he has totally forgotton me and moved on with his life.

How do I let go of him when I've loved him so much all these years without seeing him and when I will never see him again?

OP posts:

FeckinCrutches · 03/10/2016 14:52

Thinking about him everyday day for the last 15 years seems slightly obsessive and not healthy at all. His did it end?

FeckinCrutches · 03/10/2016 14:52

*how

DustyOfSkye · 03/10/2016 15:14

Sorry you're feeling this way. First love can be very difficult to let go of.

Because that's what it is. First love. It's special and it shapes you. And if it ends, it teaches you how to let go and love someone else.

It sounds as though you're still stuck in the last part of it. Have you sought counselling or therapy about it? Sometimes we need outside help with the trickier bits of life.

SandyY2K · 03/10/2016 16:05

How was it when you saw him 15 years ago?

Do you know if he feels anything for you still?
Would it help you move on if you knew he didn't feel anything for you now?

Because as he is single, maybe you should reach out to him and see if there's anything from his side. Then you can bury it and move forward.

Landoni112 · 03/10/2016 16:25

Can you contact your first love. He's probably not the dreamboat you used to know, but if he is maybe it's worth seeing whether he has thought about you everyday too?

Original poster

rainbowpaint · 03/10/2016 16:42

We broke up because I was getting too serious for him, he tried to tell me to take slow it down but I just panicked when he told me this and got clingy. We had a falling out and I didn't speak to him over the summer. Afterwards I was so embarrassed by how I had acted that I just tried to play it cool and I avoided him. From what I know now he felt bad too but thought he had been so horrible to me and that I now hated him or at least that is what he read into my avoidance of him.

Last time I saw him I didn't speak to him it was just massively awkward with both of us not sure what to do.

I know he suffered with depression a lot at that time and after uni and failed to get his degree even though he is probably the smartest person I have ever met. I also know that he didn't have any serious relationships with anyone in the 8 years after we split up but I don't know about the last 10 years.

I have had therapy in the past for low self esteem but I have never mentioned my feelings for him or my struggle to get over him because I was just so ashamed to fell this way. In a sense its like he is a part of me when I am talking to myself I'm talking to him. So its also my normal, it isn't obsessive in that I've stalked him online or in real life, I get on with my life and am productive but its just when it comes to really letting someone get close I struggle because I'm still in love with him.

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Original poster

rainbowpaint · 03/10/2016 16:48

I've thought about contacting him but I don't see how to do so in a normal way. I once got a letter from an old friend who I hadn't seen in a few years telling me that he loved me and wanted us to be together, it totally freaked me out and this was from someone I really liked as a friend. So I can appreciate from the other side how odd these one sided imaginary love affairs are.

I don't know if he would still like me or not. I think he once did a lot and that he pushed himself past his natural inclination to avoid relationships because he did like me a lot, which is part of the reason it didn't work out.

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DustyOfSkye · 03/10/2016 16:51

Really feel for you rainbow. Sounds like you got deeply involved and didn't have the maturity or experience to know how to deal with such intense feelings.

Are you able to get in touch with him through your mutual friend? As pp have said, at the least it might bring the closure that you need to move forward with your life - or even start afresh. But at least reconnecting as adults will give you both a new perspective on your past selves.

DustyOfSkye · 03/10/2016 16:54

x post with your last one.

I think if you were able to contact him again, to try and approach it in a warm and friendly way. Like meeting an old friend, that he is. It's the rushing to the stage of intense feelings that tend to scare people off.

DustyOfSkye · 03/10/2016 16:56

But to be honest, I think you still need to heal yourself first before reaching out to him. You may even find that you no longer feel the need to anymore.

What was your therapist like? Did you find the sessions helped or would you prefer to see someone different?

Original poster

rainbowpaint · 03/10/2016 17:01

Dusty, thank you. Yes I think it was like that ... too much too soon! I feel like he is just the one I bonded with and I feel like it can't be undone.

I could absolutely get a message to him though my friend who is still in touch with him and perhaps that is the best solution just to hear it from him directly that I have no hope in that direction. It will be very difficult for me to swallow my pride though.

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ravenmum · 03/10/2016 17:04

Write to him and say you will be in his town for business or something and would he like to meet? You don't have to instantly profess your undying love (especially as it is a memory you love, not him). If he is interested in meeting you can test the waters a bit by saying how fondly you remember him, how he is just as handsome as ever, how you never felt like you had such a good relationship since or whatever.

Probably you'll just remember why you argued and be reminded of his irritating habits though.

Original poster

rainbowpaint · 03/10/2016 17:05

I've seen about 3 different therapists over the years. They all wanted to make my issues about my family and the fact that I was scapegoated by my mother. I remember very clearly wanting to make the therapist happy and pleased with me so I felt like I fell in line with their story rather than get to the real reasons I was struggling. I was never in therapy longer than about 6 months though so perhaps i never gave it long enough.

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Original poster

rainbowpaint · 03/10/2016 17:12

Ravenmum, I suppose that might seem more normal to fake a business trip.

He did have bad habits and i do remember them quite clearly and they never put me off but he's a middle aged man now practially, a different person no doubt and me too!

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DustyOfSkye · 03/10/2016 18:05

The reason why therapists would have examined your relationship with your mother is because that is your first relationship with anyone. And it sets the blueprint for any subsequent relationships we have.

How is your relationship with your mother now, as an adult?

I have to run now but will come back to the thread.

gettingitwrongputingitright · 03/10/2016 18:12

Get in touch with him. You never know there might be feelings on his side too. I don't think you can move forward if you don't.

gettingitwrongputingitright · 03/10/2016 18:15

As poster above said, slowly slowly but hint in right direction if you still fancy him!

HolyshitIfuckedupbigtime · 03/10/2016 18:34

This sounds a bit doom and gloom but we are not all around forever so don't leave it too long.

Original poster

rainbowpaint · 03/10/2016 19:12

Dusty things with my mum are ok now, but only because I have set very clear boundries for our relationship. It used to be awful when I was younger. I was the 1st born and then when my brother came along when I was two she just totally fell in love with him and I was just an annoyance that prevented her from spending all her time with her baby. I remember she used to lock me in my room alone during the day while she was down stairs with my brother although she did bring me food and she would check on me.

I think I was very jealous when my brother was born and felt very frozen out. I can't remember well how I felt as such but I do very clearly recall what happened. After that my mum and I had a difficult relationship until I was in my late 20's when I was finally able to set those boundries with the help of therapy.

It sounds so easy in theory to just get in tocuh with him and see what happens but then as a pp says we don't live forever!

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Landoni112 · 03/10/2016 21:08

So sorry about your childhood op.
Really think if this guy is still single it's worth contacting him, as pp have said, as friends.
Then if you both feel something, great, if not, you can dismiss your fantasy and move on with your life.

DustyOfSkye · 03/10/2016 23:39

Gosh, that's horrendous about being locked in your room. In fact I'd say that was emotional abuse. I'm not surprised you're struggling with attachment.

Reading between the lines of your posts, you seem to have somewhat of an all or nothing attitude towards this man which can be scary to be on the receiving end of.

If you were to contact him, I'd hold back on telling him how you secretly feel at least until you've reconnected properly.

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