My husbands other child

[MadamePeacock]

I wasn't sure of the best place to post this.

5 years ago my husband and I separated due to so much stress in our lives at the time. Between December 2010 and May 2011 he lived with his parents. From March to May he gradually became a part of the family again, coming for tea, eventually staying the night. During that time, I fell pregnant and we got back together properly.

He admitted after our daughter was born that he'd slept with somebody else during our separation. I wasn't happy but chose not to dwell on it.

Imagine our surprise when, in February 2012 my husband got a phone call from the woman he'd slept with, asking if he'd like to meet his daughter. Pardon? Yes, that is right. She fell pregnant. My husband wasn't convinced the baby was his but a paternity test proved it.

At first my husband didn't want to meet the child, our own daughter was only 2 months old. The other baby was just 6 weeks older.

In October 2012 my husband made the decision to meet his child. He now sees her once every 4 weeks for 6 hours. I find it incredibly hard to accept he has another child but also feel he should see her more than he does. He knows how I feel. He says every 4 weeks is enough but secretly I know he wants to be more involved in her life. He is a fantastic dad to our children.

I have never met the child.

How can I come to accept this child so that my husband can become more involved? My children have another sister that they know nothing about.

He sounds crap OP, totally crap, I hate men like this, go about getting women pregnant and then act like they are innocent and have no responsibility, I hope he pays for her upkeep, it's his child!

I don't know how you get a man to actually show love and kindness to his child - only he can do that, you can't make him do anything.

Poor kid.

Sorry to hear about this Madame, it must've been a huge shock.

I guess I would try and compartmentalise my feelings if I were in your situation.

Firstly, do you accept that he did this? You know the situation more than anyone. If it was a trial separation, for example, to try and work on your marriage, then it's akin to cheating in my view. And if that was the case I guess I'd be thinking hard on whether I wanted to be in a relationship or not.

If the separation was viewed as permanent at the time, then I guess he would be entitled to pursue a relationship of any kind if he so chose. I'm kind of surprised he didn't mention the woman before he came back fully into your life. But perhaps he looked at it as a ONS (although the lack of contraception was particularly stupid and you might want to get yourself tested if you haven't done so already).

If you can accept that he did what he did, then I would try to think on the child only. An innocent little life that really didn't ask for the situation they find themselves in and may relish the sibling relationship opportunity in the future.

I think that's the only thinking that could get me through this scenario....

Oh dear! Mine also had a child from an affair.
If they are good dads then a child is a child for them- regardless
of whether he/she is the result of an affair or otherwise.
I can tell you that you already began the journey to integrate her in your family. I think the best is to just do it- giving to all kinds of thoughts to come and go, and in parallel to focus on the other child herself. She is innocent. She must not be victim of it all. Do not even think about her as your kids siblings at the start, or as your husbands daughter. Just continue being the big-hearted woman you are becoming and accept her as a child, an innocent child that needs you. There might be problems: a kind of intrusion of her mother in your life. You personally need not have any interactions with her. It happens that we parents do not bear or are indifferent to parents of lovely kids that are friends to our own kids. The kids visit our houses; we take them our with our kids; we love them- and we put up somehow with the parents. They are just in the shadow with no emotional links to us. Good Luck!

I hate men like this, go about getting women pregnant.

It takes two Adora. I often agree with you, but not on this point.

I think women have a responsibility as well.

Especially as they are left holding the baby and it will always impact on their lives more than the man.

OP - if he said he's happy with the current contact, why don't you believe him?

I think it's a very big secret to keep from your children. Where does your DH see her? At the mother's home?

Can you think about meeting the little girl and then telling your kids at some point in the not too distant future?

Then your kids can meet her and she can come to your house for his visitation.

If it was an affair, then I wouldn't suggest that, but this is different.

I totally agree with Sandy

This doesn't sound like an affair

I hate men like this, go about getting women pregnant.

It takes two Adora. I often agree with you, but not on this point.

What I mean is get them pregnant and then don't step up and take the responsibility - he sees this child for 6 hours every 43 weeks fgs, what a joke.

I agree, the lady he had the affair with should have been more careful, or maybe she wanted a child, at least she is actually there for the poor kid, he's not.

4 weeks, not 43!

Affair? I thought the OP said they had split up

Affair? I thought the OP said they had split up.

They had split up. I was just trying to get the OP to make room in her heart for the child and to get the siblings knowing each other. What I meant was there's no reason for resentment as it wasn't an affair that resulted in the baby.

Dear Madam, have you not yet said to you kids about the little one?
That is the first thing to do I think. You do not have to tell it all or call her their sister yet. Just that you were separated a bit because you were upset at each other, and that their dad went out with another woman and now they have a child together. Then ask them whether they would like to meet her? And go all of you and meet her. That will change how you see it all. Let your kids work out she is their sibling/ Dont make it dramatic from the start. They are young. They really do not understand all this. They will just be happy to have a new friend. You sound very generous and good hearted. Good Luck!