My selfish brother and SIL...long - sorry but need to rant.

[Ilovemyboy]

My brother and SIL have 2 children who I absolutely adore and have always been really close to. My bro knows that I love them and miss them like mad since I moved down to London from the NW a couple of years ago.

I got pregnant in March last year and made regular trips up north to see family throughout the course of my pregnancy. I was desperate to see my little niece and nephew but my bro and SIL always had some crap excuse as to why they couldn't meet up like 'we have to go to town to get 'niece' some shoes' like it was really important and they couldn't take an hour to come and see me. (they live 10mins from my mums).

Anyway, I didn't see them all the way through my pregnancy and DS was born in Nov. I texted them with a pic of him the day he was born and got a 'Congratulations' text back but that was it. No phone call to see how I was or anything. They didn't take into consideration that I had no family around me to help me and a few kind words from them would have been a nice gesture. Then I moved house 2 weeks after DS was born and they still didn't bother to ring to see if everything was okay.

I took this on the chin and looked forward to seeing them all at Christmas.

I stayed at my mums from 23rd to 27th of Dec so ample time for them to come and see their new and first nephew and their children's first cousin and they didn't show up. I texted SIL on 26th to ask when they were coming and she said that they had been hectic and hadn't had time to come. My mum was upset that she hadn't seen her grandchildren over Christmas. She had asked my bro if she could go to see them on Christmas day and he told her that she couldn't as the house was a mess from them having their loft conversion a few weeks previous. When my mum saw my bro after Christmas, she asked if they had had a nice Christmas and they said it had been quiet and they hadn't been through the door. So much for it being hectic.

I was really upset that they hadn't made an effort. My mum said she is keeping my niece and nephew updated with news and pics of DS and they seem really excited to meet him.

So...we are going up north again this weekend and guess what?? They are too busy to see us and their nephew. Bro is going watching football Saturday, SIL is going bridesmaids dress shopping for niece and Sunday, nephew plays rugby. How is that more important than seeing my DS for the first time when I am making the effort to spend 5-6 hours in a car to see them?

So I won't be seeing my niece and nephew again then.

I am feeling really peed off and am wondering if I have done something to upset them. I can't confront my bro as he has the potential to be a bit of a nob and I don't want to give them an excuse not to speak to me again.

I don't know what to do anymore...just have to get used to the idea that I'm not part of my niece and nephew's lives anymore.

Sorry for going on. Feeling proper sorry for myself

Part of me wants to ring him and if he has a go (which he will) then I will put phone down and then at least I can say I tried.

Another part of me wants to walk away and leave it as I know that he will give me abuse and I don't have to put up with it.

And you are right, I don't want my DS to be involved with such selfish, nasty people.

Raking over old stuff won't heal wounds, it will just open them. If you want to see you niece and nephew why don't you apologise? Even if you know it is not your fault at least there might be some calm amongst the storm.

"why don't you just apologise?" apologise for what? Sorry but IMO the op has nothing to apologise for. If you apologise now then every time your brother has a tantrum you'll be expected to be the one that backs down - why should you? I don't believe that people should apologise for things they haven't done just for an easier life, it gives the message, firstly to your brother that he can do/say what the hell he wants and he'll never have to face the consequences, and it gives the message to your ds, as he gets older, that it's much easier to take the blame for something you haven't done, than to stand up for what you believe in/what is right.

The thing is, I haven't been accused of anything in particular...just of being selfish and all me,me,me but he hasn't explained when I have been selfish.

So I have no clue as to how, why and when I have been selfish.

Therefore, I don't know what I would be apologising for.

Sorry you're going through this. They sound pretty cr*p to me! I'd leave it all alone for a while. Perhaps write a letter in a couple of weeks by which time they will have had time to reflect on what has been said and might be more receptive...

My bro has had such a lasting impression on me that I really really wanted DS to be a girl as I didn't want any girls I had to have an older brother.

He was so nasty to me when I was younger I don't know how I ever forgave him.

I just have to make sure my DS doesn't turn out anything like him (he won't).

As it is, of course I think my DS is perfect as he is and would never ever change anything about him.

I might write a letter although they will be expecting a phone call from me as SIL told me to ring bro and I said I would. I don't want them to have more excuses.

I won't let them upset me again. This is it now and the ties and any friendly relationship we had has been severed. I will be pleasant with them if and when I bump into them for the sake of the kids.

My nephew is nothing like bro. He is a kind, sensitive little thing and is scared to death of bro. My niece is the apple of bro's eye and everyone can see that bro favours her. Niece is more like bro - gobby and can be a little madam although she is mega-cute. I can see that in the future my nephew and his folks will have their problems because he is different to them.

Let me get this right. He is in a huff bewcasue you once didn't take a call after yuo had gone to bed tired 'cos you were in the first trimester and 'cos you hadn't made sufficient (and considerble) effort to go and see them on a hot day, again while you were pregnant?

That's it?

Has he ever made the effort to come down and see you? If you are always the one that has had to make the effort, he has no right to get stroppy at you. Relationships are two way things.

Ring him tongiht if you feel you have to - but do it while your dp is around for moral support.

Tell your bro that you are not prepared to get in to an argument with him, but that you simply want to have an opportunity to have a relationship with your niece and nephew, even if you can't have one with him. State simply (don't justfy) that you have been making an effort for over a year and that it has been upsetting you that this appears to have been rebuffed without, until now, explanation. State simply that his relationship with his parents is none of your concern - that is ofr him to take up with them.

State simply that you have alwys been happy to make the effort to come up and see them and have never expected them to come down to see you - although if they wanted to, they were of course alwys welcome (I presume?)

Altenratively, just tell him that you don't want to go over this on the phone, after the way he talked to you this morning, and that you'll try to explain how you feel in a letter to him, which will perhpas give him a chance to reflect a bit on what you have to say - and that there are two sides to every story.

If he is still not prepared to be reaonable, then I think you just have to accpet that you aren't going to get the relationship that you want. Continue to send your nieces and nephews cards and maybe wee ltters, so that they know that they have an aunt who thinks about them, and who knows, one day in the future.......

Message withdrawn

Ilovemyboy, just got up to speed there, cant believe it . Sorry to say this but they are a pair of t*rs.

Ur better off without them hon. Dont u upset urself anymore.

Your brother is a grade A w*nker. It sounds to me like he always has been. he is jealous of you and as he favours his own daughter he thinks your mum must favour you, when any normal mum/dad love their kids equally.

He knows he is in the wrong, as his arguments are just petty. If you do speak to him keep it nice and simple. Ask him if he doesn't want a relationship with you, fine, but can you have one with the kids and wil he agree to bring the kids to see you when you are in town. Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking you are bothered about him.

Good luck - I know this is really upsetting but just try to think about this time next week when it will all have calmed down. You'll look back on events with a very diff. attitude then.

Ilovemyboy,

Sorry your brother is being an a*se, but it sounds like he is jealous of everything you have got and done.

I mean you left your home town and moved down south and made a good life where as he is just carrying on as he as always done.

You have a good marriage and a faithful husband something he cant be.

I would not make anymore contact with him as there is nothing that you can do to make him change his ways he needs to grow up and stop blaming everyone else for his mistakes. Just keep sending cards and presents to the children even if you leave them with you mum to give to them so you know have been received.

Leave it to him to make the first contact and for him to say sorry.

oh honney (((Hugs))) if you ask me lizzie has the measure there, and sorry if this sounds nasty, but your bro is a nasty bully. nothing more nothing less, you honeslty shouldn't waste a minute thinking about him.

I can see thou how he'd think you were selfish thou lets be fair girls, I mean all you were doing was growing another human being inside you silly man. anyhow.

honestly thou I wouldn't bother with him - if that's the way he feels then you focus on you and your DH/DS, see your mum etc and leave it as that.

the bother needs to learn to play nicely and the world/family do not revolved around him. FFS.

you're the bigger person here for trying to sort things out.

But this is about seeing her niece and nephew, she wants to see them but is not so bothered about DB and SIL. So if she does apologise for upsetting him (he feels upset she has been told that) at least she will have a clear conscience and perhaps move forward with regard to seeing niece and nephew.

She knows he's a twt, we know he's a twt but if she wants to see them she'll have to not confront him especially if he is as volatile as he sounds.

Thanks for all your replies everyone. You are all a massive help.

I called my mum when she came home from work and told her the lot and told her to be prepared for when bro paid her a visit as I knew he would.

I called her back later on and he had been round shouting his mouth off. He is such a lout. He asked my mum what problems she had and she said that she didn't have a problem, he is the one with the problem. He said 'well why don't you get on the phone to Mrs Bucket (a la 'Keeping up Appearances') and ask her' - this is what he called me.

Mum asked him what had I ever done to him and he said that I didn't bother to go up that once when I was pg and I have explained why I didn't go there. He had a row with my mum and accused us all of being against him and SIL, getting together in our little cliques and gossiping about them all the time. OMG he is so paranoid. I can't believe him.

Then he even had a go at my sister who had only popped round for a cup of tea accusing her of being against him. She didn't even know what had happened. When bro had his loft conversion before Christmas, their house was a mess and sister took them in for a few weeks until it was sorted. Bro and sister don't really get on anyway but to have a go at her after her letting them istay in her home for weeks is below the belt.

Bro told mum that she was never going to see him again at her house and mum said 'fine - please yourself'.

Bro and SIL are getting married in July in Barbados and it costs £3500 for 2 people for 2 wks and they invited everybody - who is the selfish one expecting everyone to fork that out? Of course we can't go as I have a new house to decorate and a new baby to look after but mum and
dad were going and now she doesn't know whether he will want her there. Mum won't ring him because he is just abusive and there is no getting through to him.

So he has fallen out with us all. I have a sneaky feeling that SIL is happy about it too. I am really the only one that she has ever got on with and now that is shot to shIt she has got what she wanted. Dad says SIL has a short memory and has forgotten about us all rallying around after her when bro was having his affair and she had financial problems. Well she can piss off if it happens again. I can't see them being happily married for long anyway. It is a bit of a joke after all they have been through and the fact that my bro can't keep his willy in his pants.

Fvck em...had enough. And I can assure everyone reading this thread that they won't upset me again. They have done it once and have made me cry in front of my son. Neither DS or me need that and it won't happen again.

I will send cards, presents and letters for the kids. It's sad but there is no getting through to bro.

Thanks for reading all my posts. You MNers are all so lovely. xxx

Oh dear, sorry it wasn't a happy ending. Sounds like your bro may have mental health problems to me. You can't choose your family can you!

TBH, you're probably better off having distance from someone like that. He doesn't sound remotely reasonable and it doesn't sound like he gets on much with anyone in your family!!