Can I say this to dp?

[BrianaTheBadger]

Well, obviously I can, but I'm wondering if people think it is wise.

I had another thread (which I'll try to link to below) about my dilema re staying with my partner who has chronic health problems. We have discussed some of the issues, although not really resolved them, plus I think he has got the wrong end of the stick a bit and thinks it's all about finances, which it isn't.

Things I want to say to him are:

I cannot cope with the frequency of sex we have now.

I find it difficult to come home from an interesting and productive day at work, and all you want to talk about (apart from house renovations, which admittedly are important and time consuming), is computer games. I know the house stuff is important but it bores me. And the computer games makes me sad because it is such a waste of time.

I will try hard to get my head around the possibility of you being a sahd if we have children, but
A) I need you to at least try to work, otherwise I will feel resentful
B) I'm scared that if things go tits up with our relationship then you would get custody of any children. You already own the house outright, so if I ever left I would have to move out and leave you and then there while I support you all. That would be shit.

These are all quite brutal topics. I feel I need to discus them but am useless at having these conversations without being either a pushover or a bitch.

Any advice? Please don't be too harsh. I honestly don't want to hurt my dp. I am crap at this.

Is this really a situation you want to bring a child into?

If he was the SAHP and his illness worsened who would take care of your child if you had to work?

If your having difficulty discussing your relationship now please don't bring a child into it. It'll only make things worse.

What I will say, is that babies are NOT sticking plasters. If you resent your dp now, if you are unhappy/ unsatisfied/ unfulfilled then imagine those feelings only magnified by 100! Babies are like magnifying glasses that bring every crack in your relationship into view only making them seem much worse! Lack of sleep/ change in the form of accepting your new body/ rekindling a sex life in the snippets of time in between feeds and working and baby teething and growth spurts where baby feeds ALL night. That doesn't even consider any annoying traits that you each can cope with now, but on very little sleep become horrendously annoying! Then there is difference of opinion in parenting styles. Annoyance at having to cope with visits to or from inlaws.

I have a great relationship with my husband, yet our marriage went through ten rounds with Tyson in those early years! I almost didn't think we would make it through my second pregnancy and we were completely in love and a hell of a lot happier than your op makes you sound. I think its very telling that you are concerned about the possibility of what would happen if your relationship failed. Of all the situations that we discussed and considered when planning our family, divorce and separation was absolutely not even mentioned. If you think its likely that you will split, then I think its unfair to bring a baby/ children into an unhappy relationship. You deserve better, your partner deserves better and quite frankly, so do any children you may have in the future.

If you intend to go ahead and start a family, you need a carer/ mothers helper/ au pair to help your dp to take care of house/ children etc. I am chronically ill and being on my own for several weeks (my father had a heart attack so my Mum was no longer able to help whilst my dh worked offshore) with a toddler and four year old pushed my condition irreversibly into decline. You mention that your film is terminal, is it possible to build an annexe and have your MIL move in during the early years to help your dp with any children?

Has your dp looked into a home based career or starting his own business? Or an open university degree? It may be that he could find adhoc work, that he can do from home at his own pace. Has your dp claimed PIP? Even with his pay out he will still be entitled to PIP which is not means tested and may help contribute toward employing a cleaner/ au pair/ nursery hours.

From how you describe your partner's symptoms, I think he may have M.E. You do not need to confirm this. I have M.E. I have had it for 18 years, last four years very severely (I am bedridden, thankfully only about 1 in 4 become fully housebound or bedridden).

M.E is for the vast majority of people a life long illness and incredibly debilitating yet invisible to many. Amongst many other symptoms, the energy production systems are dysfunctional. Life has to be led at an incredibly slow pace, whereas the average person has say £100 energy units, physical, cognitive and emotional, to spend a day a person with M.E has much less. The most severe perhaps just a few pence, moderate £20.00. Playing computer games may be a low cost activity for him and so one he spends a lot of time for on as it's all he has the resources for.

He probably will never be able to work in a 9-5 job again. I imagine raising a child would be incredibly difficult and it would certainly not be possible to work and look after the child. I know a few women with moderate M.E who have managed to raise a child but need lots of help. I think if you wish to be with him, you have to accept his huge limitations. You are not bad if you decide you can't, but it's unfair to resent him of something he has no control of - say holding down a regular job, following more stimulating hobbies.

Although if you stay with him, he probably will never be able to support your financially, though he can provide a home, there are other things he can bring to the relationship. Only you can decide what is most important to you. I hope you both can have some frank discussions and decide whether it's time to part or move forward together.

Briana, the thing is though, surely you realise even if he doesn't that not talking about these make or break issues just means the death of your relationship will be drawn-out and excruciatingly painful?

I know you love him. I do. And I don't think this situation is anybody's "fault", as such. He has an illness, and he's not having it at you or to spite you. But it seems like you simply want someone who has a different lifestyle and who can play a different role than he can. And you are allowed to want that. But please don't bring children into this situation. On top of all the other issues, the fact that the two of you can't discuss things sensibly is the killer. Having children, as a PP says, will only magnify disagreements, resentments, and frictions x100. You HAVE to be able to talk them through productively, and apparently you can't - or he won't - doesn't really matter which.

You are already starting to resent him, and resentment poisons love. Don't let him evade the discussion - force it, and if you don't get answers, start planning your exit.

The fact you're already considering custody before you've even conceived a child must mean that deep down you know very well this is doomed to fail. Don't do it to you, him and most of all, future child.

Seeing as you are in harsh blunt mood, I'm going to be that way with you.

Your actions are causing him maximum pain. Stop it.

Stop the conversations where you effectively berate him for not wanting to have sex with you; for having a hobby that bores you; for not having a job when he is chronically ill, owns his house outright and has a big savings pot. That's pointless and rude.

Worse, now you've told him you find him shit boring, you've hung around the house like a bad smell because you haven't decided what to do next and you expect to live in his house while he does the "pick me dance". He's not playing though is he?

I think you are confusing "simple" and "easy" when you say the situation is "complicated".

It is quite simple, he cannot be the life partner you need. You are scared of the change.

You are scared of looking like the bad guy. You are scared of his reaction: he will be upset and angry with you, like he is now. You are scared your friends will talk about what a cowbag you are. You are scared your living situation will be worse: you'll have to pay for your own place on your peanuts salary. You are scared you won't meet someone else. You are scared you won't have children. You are scared of dating again. I bet there are a whole bunch of other things you could add to the list.

You are scared and that is making you selfish. Put the poor bloke out of his misery. He knows it is over and he is right. You know he is right. Don't make the poor bastard end it with you.

Just move the fuck out of his house as soon as humanly possible and let him start recovering from you.

I think that you need to be honest with yourself, regardless of the medical issues you sound very different people.

Do him and yourself a favour and let go now. Be kind about it, try not to dwell on guilt, you may be holding him back from finding the perfect partner?

Would you marry him if he ring fenced the house from the marriage?
I think he would be crazy, with a chronic illness, to risk his long term security