We are financially comfortable e.g bills paid, food on table but luxuries such as a new phone, laptop, holidays etc are not within our reach at the moment. I am self employed and business is difficult as there is a lot of competition where I live. I work very hard at it, often responding to emails at night, researching, finding new ways to reach my audience, updating social media etc -- all the raise my profile and brand. I had to take a break from the corporate world just it became too to manage full time work and intensive IVF treatments which make me feel really unwell. We also realised how much stress it was all giving me so decided to leave and start my own business which gives me flexibility and also time to go for scans and treatment etc. Besides the business was my lifelong passion. I have lived off most of my savings while my husband has been able to support most of our expenses with his salary. I keep my expenses very low, hardly by any new clothes or shoes and even if I did, its always from Primark or New Look especially in the sales. I wear cheap high street makeup and I do my own hair. He on the other hand would not hesitate to spend £180 - £300 on clothes and shoes three times a year. I never ask him for money to shop. He buys me perfume for birthdays and Christmas. Other than that I never really have any luxuries and I feel happy that despite going off what we assume is "normal" e.g working in an office and steady income, I have managed to keep my expenses low and have done everything I can do to make my business a success. I don't earn anywhere close to where I used to but I know new businesses take time to establish.
My husband on the other worked in his former company for nearly 20 years and then when he was made redundant, took the first job that was offered to him (probably the only one he applied for) despite having no career prospects, no bonus and no perks because its 10mins from home. I fully appreciate that he doesn't like to commute long but I did think he could have waited to see what was on offer before jumping on what was easy. He said then it was temporary as we were getting married the next year but now 4 years on , a new management takeover, people walking out etc he complains but doesn't look for a job elsewhere.
It took 3 years for him to get his CV done and now 5 months later, every now and then I would ask if he has seen anything interesting or applied....he would have a list of excuses:
- I don't have word on my laptop - (I have word on mine. Feel free to use it any time) - Never does.
- I am fixing my laptop - (took months and still not "ready")
- I have to download tools (What sort of tools do you need to write your cover letter?) Word - (I have words in mine)
- I need to sharpen my skills (He is a IT engineer) - I said, why not apply for the job and then when you get the interview, work on the skills they will test you for? "No, I need to do it first as then I will fail"
- I need to cut my hair first to prepare (surely you can cut your hair when you get an interview date, not before you even apply for jobs?)
- I don't have time ( But he has time to sit and watch tv all evening, and on weekend mornings, spend hours in AV forums and researching where to get the best price for lightbulbs - not kidding!)
I know he has some sort of anxiety about change and making decisions but this is really getting me down. A new job means a little more money for us so we can put away for the IVF. We also need to move house as ours is currently a little small. We need to renovate the kitchen before we can sell and understandably he doesn't want to take a loan for it.
I just feel that I am doing everything that is possible in our partnership to achieve our future goals - baby, house and savings yet he has the possibility to have a little more income, possibly with some bonus and perks which would be a good thing for him yet he has become so indifferent to our situation.
I am at breaking point and tired of being the "nagger" We have a great relationship otherwise and its only every other month when I say something so please don't think he is henpecked or being nagged at.
We have been in this house for nearly 10 years and our kitchen is falling apart and we have run out of space for everything. Its very challenging as my business needs a separate space but I make do and try to manage.
I am really starting to panic about the future. What if he won't change? This whole wanting a new job has been going on for years. What if he just says that to keep me thinking there is hope?
I know our future is not totally depending on him or his new job/salary but part of it is his attitude and procrastination.
How can I help him? Do I leave? Do I stay? Help!!