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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Discovered best friend having affair

72 replies

lcl · 01/10/2016 09:39

I will try to keep this brief. Basically my best friend has told me she's unhappy in her 11 year marriage and they had a chat agreeing to give it 6 months. That was about two months ago. Anyway I didn't think they were right for each other ( night before they got married I asked was she sure about it) her mum did the same , however they have my goddaughter together and they seemed pretty ok. He's had to work away this past year and half in the week. Anyway I supported her with this and hoped they might work through it but was behind her if she decided to separate. Last week changed everything because she told him she wanted to separate ( without giving it the 6 months ). She blurted it out when he came home with a watch for her as a belated anniversary gift. I've now found out she sleeping with someone else. I'm really upset that she's made this decision with someone else involved. I can't get my head around the fact she's essentially having an affair and really her husband didn't have a proper chance of rectifying things as there's emotions involved with this other guy. He's told her he loves her and she feels she is falling in love. She hasn't made this decision with a clear head in my opinion. Am I being totally unreasonable , I know this happens and I know that staying in an unhappy marriage is not right but I just wish there wasn't someone else in the picture. At the end of the day surely the child comes first and she should be honouring her vows enough to separate before getting involved with this other man?

OP posts:

Ragwort · 01/10/2016 14:22

Totally agree with Piglet - the comments on here would not be so supportive if it was a man having an affair.

The usual Mumsnet double standards and 'women can do no wrong' attitude.

TheNaze73 · 01/10/2016 14:23

Just be avaliable for the inevitable fall out....

TheLaundryLady · 01/10/2016 14:30

Absolutely not about the woman can do no wrong - I think it's very clear that she is heading for a massive fall. that's not what this is about - this should be about being a non judgemental friend

TheLaundryLady · 01/10/2016 14:32

Absolutely not about the woman can do no wrong - I think it's very clear that she is heading for a massive fall. that's not what this is about - this should be about being a non judgemental friend

Offred · 01/10/2016 14:56

Some of the replies on here seem a bit strange.

As I read it you were concerned about her marrying this guy at the start, you felt worried she wasn't making the right choice for her, you have now come around to seeing that their relationship has actually lasted and now you are worried that she is making wrong choices for her again because she has had her head turned by another man after a bad period in her marriage.

You just care about her IMO.

That is tough to see when it is someone you care about.

I don't think the issue is much at all to do with condemning or otherwise an affair, that's a separate thing. It is about you wondering how you should support your friend who you care for now this has happened - is that right?

I think you should handle it as you did before - gently probe her about whether she is leaving for the OM and ultimately support her through whatever she chooses if you still want to be her friend.

It would also be fine to take a step back, even if you care for her you don't need to become involved in her life dramas.

thestamp · 01/10/2016 15:19

Op I can absolutely see why you feel sad and upset about these goings on. It sounds messy and far from ideal.

The best thing you can do to protect everyone is to help your friend move on as quickly and quietly as possible. Her husband must be devastated but he will probably try to drag things out in hopes he'll change her mind. Try to offer solutions that will get them apart physically as rapidly as possible so that he is forced to rip the plaster off. It's a cruel to be kind situation.

Your friend had already crossed the rubicon and it's really unfortunate that she's leaned on you like this while playing away the whole time. I would feel upset that she brought you into her problem as a counsellor and confidante, but took you for a mug in a way. You have a right to say that to her, but tbh I would wait until her marriage is properly ended and she is living apart from him before bothering to address it. She's not in a state to listen just now. Shell decide you're being judgey of her affair, instead of actually hearing the truth that you're sad about her deceiving you while also asking your advice.

She fucked up. If you love her and want to stay friends, support her. But I'd not let her off the hook for leaning on you for emotional support... while lying by ommission about the circumstances of her problem. That's quite cruel and selfish of her tbh - and I think that's the only part of her fuck up that's really in the realm of "your business" iyswim. The rest is sad and not nice, but it's between her and her husband.

Original poster

lcl · 01/10/2016 17:10

Thanks so much to the last posters who actually seem to understand what I'm trying to say!!! Finally .... it seemed like I was the bad guy here !! I have been her only confidante these past few months ( I'm taking daily phone calls and numerous messengers chats) and I've totally supported her decision to leave the marriage so long as she feels they have both worked at it. This bombshell of the of other man has really changed things as i didn't know the whole story and she has kept this from me. It's sad because I tell her everything re a major issue in my personal life but she hasn't reciprocated until I literally asked her outright and worked out that the ' kiss' a few months ago has developed massively. I warned her not to get involved with this other man until she had made her decision public or at least her husband knew! Her parents are on holiday and don't know any of this yet but as they moved a mile away they will be very involved in the fall out. She did this secretive thing when she got engaged too and didn't tell me for two weeks after they got engaged !! Her secretive nature is what hurts actually. We are like sisters and been best friends for 23 years. We even share a sister in law as her brother married my husbands sister !

OP posts:

tribpot · 01/10/2016 17:28

I understand that you feel betrayed and hurt, I would make sure you tell her exactly how you are feeling. It's very easy for the person wrapped up in the affair to think it only affects them, whereas in reality the fallout is widespread, as you say. I agree with thestamp, using you for emotional support whilst shagging some other guy in secret is not something I would find easy to forgive.

I think it is very likely that her husband is going to find out about the affair one way or another eventually. I'd go for the full disclosure approach to get it over with, but obviously that's not your call - or really your problem. I wouldn't be helping her solve the problem of her cheating, she can figure that out herself.

allofthestress · 01/10/2016 17:32

If you and her mum had doubts about her husband why is it so hard to believe that she's been trying all these years, and hasn't been happy? An affair isn't ideal but she's ended it with her husband now so just be there for her. Maybe she didn't tell you before because she feared being judged?

Emmageddon · 01/10/2016 17:41

If you're best friends and just like sisters, then why has she felt she has had to keep this secret from you? You admit you had doubts about her husband 11 years ago, did you talk to her then and tell her what you thought?

She shouldn't be cheating on her husband, she should have ended her marriage before embarking upon a new relationship, but what's done is done.

I don't condone cheating, and I would find it hard to support a friend who was sneaking about with someone behind their husband's back. I would try and see the bigger picture though, and try not to be overtly judgemental.

roundaboutthetown · 01/10/2016 17:41

In my experience, the majority of people find someone else before they leave their "unhappy" marriages. Unhappy is not the same thing as unbearable, I guess. As for not telling you - obviously that's because she knew you wouldn't approve.

Desmondo2016 · 01/10/2016 18:15

I think you have to back off a bit. I'm not condoning, or commenting on, her behaviour but it does sound like you're making it farrrrr too much your business!

DiegeticMuch · 01/10/2016 18:22

Give her the support she needs to leave her moribund marriage. Encourage her to be as decent as possible to her husband during the divorce proceedings. That's all you can do really.

IceIceIce · 01/10/2016 18:24

Keep out of it. It's none of your business and you haven't been deceived.

Gabilan · 01/10/2016 18:26

Thanks so much to the last posters who actually seem to understand what I'm trying to say!!!

FFS. Other people have read through, understood, and taken the time to reply they just haven't necessarily agreed with you. If all you want is people who say "there, there, I understand and agree" then frankly I'm out.

Joysmum · 01/10/2016 18:37

I'm with you OP. I make no apologies in being judgemental about thise who choose to fuck about and keep their OH''s dangling while they selfishly get what they want and keeping their partners in a relationship under false pretences.

It's ok to fall out of love, it's not ok to pretend to try to fix a relationship that's dead because they are fucking around and lying.

Original poster

lcl · 01/10/2016 19:16

I have taken on board everyone's views actually Gabilan and definately don't need other people's sympathy. This isnt actually a big problem for me at all ... In fact it isn't really my problem it's just that I care about her , her child and to an extent her husband. I was their bridesmaid and im godmother. I can't condone her behaviour and I don't want to know anything more about the other man. She can make her bed and lie in it but if she's want a listening ,caring ,understanding ear as she has had for 23 yrs then she should have told me the bigger picture. Anyway got my own problems going on without worrying about hers but it's because I care not because I'm nosy , on a high horse or whatever else women on here like to say. It's been interesting seeing people's varying views on cheating !!

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 02/10/2016 01:03

Double standards as always here.

Your friend is wrong. If her H had a woman over he'd be called a twat or the C word.

I found out my friend has been having an affair for the last 3 years and she doesn't know that I know.

I've just stopped speaking to her. It makes me sick what she's doing to her DH. She even set up her OM with someone right in front of her DH to throw him off the scent.
I can't be friends with her anymore.

User14625592 · 02/10/2016 09:13

Woman falls out of love with husband and starts an affair while supposedly trying to repair her marriage......Aw diddums, maybe she hasn't experiencedled falling in love before and her marriage sounds dead etc etc etc

Man falls out of love with wife and does the same.....bastard, twat, wanker etc etc etc....

MorrisZapp · 02/10/2016 09:21

You seem to think marriage is a punishment or endurance test. She made a poor choice of partner, she sees that now, so they're splitting. She doesn't have to put up with an unsatisfactory home life to appease the local curtain twitchers.

Your thinking sounds weird and old fashioned.

HandyWoman · 02/10/2016 09:22

OP I would suggest this is a watershed moment for you to realise that the whole 'she's like a sister to me, we message and speak every day' type of friendship belongs back in the teenage years. You've had a shock because you thought you were living and breathing each other's lives, including children, husband etc. but now you know that's not true. It feels like a betrayal to you but in fact two adults who are friends have more of a boundary between them. Their children and husbands are one step removed and they are responsible for what happens to them too.

Time to put some distance between you and her. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

I have recently pulled away from a friendship like this. It can feel very uncomfortable when the other person keeps grabbing on. But hopefully with all her self-made drama, she'll not notice. And you can carry on your life without feeling part of her messy crap. And as a result the feelings of betrayal and shock will decrease.

Good luck OP.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 02/10/2016 09:29

So having an affair before ending a marriage is ok then?

She was having the affair before they split.

Looking forward to these sort of responses next time a female poster says they have found out their DH is having an affair.

User14625592 · 02/10/2016 09:34

Exactly Piglet. It will be "aw you poor thing how could he"

TheLaundryLady · 02/10/2016 11:26

I still don't see anybody condoning the affair.. And having an affair to end a marriage is not the way to go.
However I would not judge a friend that did so if she was a true friend.

I have a small close circle of friends and we stick by each other through thick and thin. I wouldn't judge them for their choices and they wouldn't judge me for mine.

Life is just not that black and white and nobody is perfect except on mumsnet

Years ago my ex H had an affair which ended our marriage but I wouldn't have expected his friends to have ditched him. I had my girls to help me through .

It all comes down to how much the friendship means to you

lasttimeround · 02/10/2016 11:53

It's horrible when your friends behave badly like this. It would make me question my friendship too. Both the affair and her secretiveness.

I guess you need to decide how you feel about her. If you continue to value her enough you'll have to try to be supportive even if you're still honest. If not then walk away. He decision making isn't sparkling just now but people all do shitty things from time to time and sometimes it's worth accepting that. But sometimes it isn't. Depends on the rest of her and the quality of your relationship really.

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